Small things are kinda big

I've always struggled with small talk. I think for years, I craved "big talk" and small talk was just the annoying thing that got in the way of what I felt to be more important.

This week, I've been learning otherwise. Talk is talk. It's amazingly beautiful to be able to connect with other people at any level. We all have something to offer. We all have depth. Sometimes we show it, sometimes we don't. But even when we choose not to show our hearts, they're who we are and it shines through whether we like it or not.

I've been looking for big things lately, and I've been disappointed. I've wanted huge revelations or miracles. I've wanted heart-felt, gut-wrenching, life-changing experiences. I've been looking too big.

God works in small and simple ways. 

My life is changing and doors are opening through small talk and warm connections. And Zumba choreography and volleyball nights and Muppet Movies and trying on skinny jeans and a swarm of 8-11 year old girls and Hunger Games and grocery shopping and late-night emails. Small things are happening in big ways. 

Defending my right to be held

I'm thirty-one and single and I defend my right to be held.

Are snuggles just for mothers and lovers? I don't think that I (or anyone) falls outside of the realm of those who get to be loved.

It is instinctive for a child to yearn to be held and cuddled. When something goes awry, she seeks comfort in the arms of someone she trusts. Are adult needs much different? It seems that adults deny ourselves of very real opportunities for love and strength because we fear it's awkward.

I've been wading through a lot of life lately. I've been pushing and growing and striving to learn and become better. Growth hurts. Hurt calls for comfort. Yet, I'm too old to crawl into my mommy's lap. And I don't have a spouse or even a boyfriend. Does that mean that my needs are invalid?

Some people who are reading this may be thinking, "Well, she just needs to get a boyfriend." You're probably right, but NOT for this reason. I think that's the problem. We need to be willing and able to love and show affection to one another without agenda. I shouldn't need someone to be "in love" with me in order to feel this love.

I spoke to a brave friend today who often craves the same form of affection in her life. She said that, when she was working with a therapist, she asked her therapist to hold her. How liberating would it be to be able to voice that need and have it be met? There's a lot to be said that something so sacred and nurturing would take place as part of a therapeutic process. I've craved that. But, do I need to be paying someone $100 an hour for me to feel safe enough to ask for it? That's one expensive hug.

In my conversation with this friend, I was filled with such amazing love and affection for her. I responded, "I would hold you. And I don't think that's weird." And she didn't, either. It hit me how much I long for that to be okay.

I know there are so many people in my life who love and support and uplift. We, as fellow sons and daughters of God are commissioned to comfort those who stand in need of comfort. We are asked to engage with one another to increase love and support in our individual journeys. We serve and nurture and uplift. All these things are SO GOOD. Why then, is physical affection so quickly withheld? Are people uncomfortable? Is it too often assumed to be sexual? I feel like the natural man is sabotaging this very innate and righteous need. I feel like Satan has taken something real and holy and has twisted it to fulfill his sordid purposes.

I don't know all the therapeutic terms or reasons behind it, but I do know that we all need to be loved. We need affection and support and comfort from each other. And sometimes, we need to be held by each other and we need that need to be okay.

Dian makes blog posts look easy

Can I catch up an entire seven months of blogging in one paragraph? My friend Dian did an entire blog post in just a few sentences. But I'm pretty sure she was summing up just one day. Either way, she inspired me.

Catching up used to seem too overwhelming. It still is. I'm gonna simplify. Maybe month-by-month? My last post was in June. I'm'a start with July, then. Assuming I can remember that far back ...

July--
I watched a parade and some fireworks. Stuck a flag down the back of Trista's pants. I got my hair did and my toes sparkled. Got some sand in my pants. Learned to fly. My friend Allyson came to visit from North Carolina. We toured BYU-Idaho and ate at Big Jud's. We did some other things, too. We never did see a moose. Lost something. I climbed on some water falls, got a "couple picture" taken with a married guy, and hiked to some lakes and rode my bike to lots of faraway places. Sweated a lot. It's July. Got a new hydration pack.

August--
I hiked Tablerock with Carl, Kylee and Robyn for the first time EVER. Broke in my new hydration pack. Learned about altitude sickness. Saw the Tetons up close. Dragged Joelle on a 34 mile bike ride. Realized that I don't gauge distance very well. And went to Playmill. And ate a burger with an egg on it. I also did Zumba in the park. Ate a spicy mango. I attended some softball games. Bought new shoes.

September--
I bought some necklaces at a craft show in Utah. I joined a steering committee. I laughed with Kimball. I hung out with grandma and her zucchini. I saw my parents pulled over on the side of the road and helped change a flat tire. Used up all the Clorox wipes while popping popcorn at the fair. Ate some fried green tomatoes and a cheeseburger on a donut. Chased squirrels with small cousins (Silvester and Zola). Turned down a gracious offer from Zola of a half-eaten cucumber. Rode an elliptical bicycle around a parking lot at a fall festival. Hiked in a cave. Listened to some bass-singing fiddlers. I saw Sydney and Ernest get sealed, hung out with family, decorated a car and wrapped a cousin-in-law (Lee) in lights. (that was all one sentence because it was all in one day.) Also, I think we played laser tag.

October--Toured Grand Teton National Park with Kylee. Practiced my elk bugling. Played some volleyball. Won some games. Lost some, too. Biked through Harriman Park with some English professors. Then I got lost. Spent an entire day in the SLC airport. Flew into the wrong airport in North Carolina. Became a part of a family. Got called out for my lack of Southern hospitality. More sand in my pants. Ate REAL BBQ. Taught Brooke and Blair cat's cradle. Fell off a waterfall where Hunger Games was filmed. Fell in love with peanut butter, banana and Oreo milkshakes. Ate some tacos. Chased some seagulls. Picked up an accent. Hunted for lizards. Watched 28 Days. Converted to the iPhone 4 (yes, I'm one model behind.) Sisterly bonding.

November--Played some more volleyball. Prayed for snow. Attended a conference. Bought some boots. Another craft show with Gina where we bought matching afghans. Got snow. Set the table. Set the salt & pepper shakers out two-by-two. Ate some turkey. Learned the difference between pickled beets and cranberry sauce. Played some more laser tag.

December--Went snowboarding with Brooke and 30 high-school students. Saved my nose from frostbite. Bought a hoodie. Bought another hoodie. Won multiple games of Wackee Six with Brad as my partner. Laughed at Kari's losses with Mark as her partner. Ate some cookies. Colored my hair. Un-colored my hair. Decorated a Christmas tree. Humiliated my mother on Facebook. Searched online for an application to Hogwarts. Won a silent auction. Got in a fight. Ate some more cookies. Did some Zumba to counteract the cookie-eating. Then ate some more to counteract the Zumba. Ran into Joelle at the mall and where we read some dinosaur pop-up books together. Bought some Christmas gifts. Bought myself some Christmas gifts. Listened to A Christmas Carol on my drive to Utah. Started a puzzle. Made some snow angels. Lost an aunt on an inner tube. Got her back and sang Christmas songs to make her feel better. Got some x-country skis and a snowboarding helmet and snow boots and a coat for Christmas. Got snow for Christmas. Played laser tag. Drove home from Utah in said snow at 2am. Drove BACK to Utah 2 days later. Finished a puzzle. Introduced Southerners to snow and snow coats and snow gloves and snow pants and snow boots and snow sleds and snow balls and white washing. I also introduced them to Cafe Rio. Started a new puzzle. Went to Temple Square, parked my truck on top of a snow drift, then watched Harry Potter from a cuddle sac sammiched between two cuddlers and drank hot chocolate for New Years.

January--Disappointed by P.F. Changs. Did some more Zumba. Fought with my truck in -20 degree weather. Went x-country skiing with Desirae. Skipped Relief Society to do some more. Registered a new volleyball team. Forgot to clean my bathroom. Made dinner for my mom's birthday. (Yes, this is noteworthy.) Endured an eye-twitch and blogged about the last seven months in incomplete sentences. Shamed myself as an English major. Discovered that the brand new flashlight I've been toying with and had finally decided is defected is now shining brightly from my table across the room. Ghost light. That brings us to now.

I have a headache.

an irrational fear

I was talking with a friend recently about my biggest "weakness." I think she's plotting to take me down and wants to know just how to do it. Honestly, this is something that has crossed my mind quite often. I've actually put a lot of thought into what I would consider my "kryptonite." Here was my response to her inquiry:

I don't even know if this counts, because I'm mostly over it now. This applied most strongly back in high school and college. But now, I honestly think I can handle it. So ... maybe this isn't what you're looking for and probably wouldn't help you tape me to a tree.

Vibrating. I HATE vibrating. But I can't even say that anymore. Right now, my phone is on vibrate. That would have KILLED me in high school, but it's fine now. I used to liken it to fingernails on a chalkboard x 5,000,000,000. Remember Tickle-Me Elmo? That thing is the DEVIL. Desirae's little sister used to chase me around with her. I admit, it may have been funny, but my heart was RACING and I was in a sheer panic just trying to get away from it. I broke my friend's pager in high school when he held it to the back of my head. He knew I'd freak out. He didn't know I had fast enough reflexes to grab it off of me and throw it into the brick wall. I'm almost okay with it now. My phone doesn't bother me at all. I still hate bass speakers in cars. I HATE that rumble. But I love 4-wheeling and snow machining and those vibrate pretty badly. Last time I was at Grandma's house, I had a pinched nerve in my neck. She pulled out her vibrating massage contraption. I thought I was going to die. But you don't say no to Grandma. It took me a minute to calm myself, but after I could breathe normally, it actually felt good. Until she got obnoxious and ran the thing up the back of my skull every time I started to talk. Have you ever felt your eyeballs vibrate? No bueno.

Most people have some sort of phobia, right? You're afraid of raccoons. And lizards. And people brushing up against your tent.

I'm NOT jumpy at all. I've never had that reflex. Seriously, my reaction time SUCKS. It's pretty frustrating when it comes to volleyball. So, I've never been a jumpy girl. I don't squeal out loud at things. EVER. I laugh hysterically when others do, though. I had a roommate who spent the entire semester trying to get me to jump. She'd hide behind doors and jump out at me. Never worked. I'd just turn slowly to look at her like, "well, hello." For some stupid reason, my mom is the only one who can consistently get me to jump. What IS THAT?

Mom's terrified of spiders. Since dad was at work all the time, guess who got to take care of them for her? I remember being no older than 7 years old with mom on top of the kitchen counter while I squashed a HUGE Hobo spider with a shoe and flushed it down the toilet. Spiders, snakes, mice--I'm fine with. The neighbor boy once threw a bloodied, dead bird at me. It hit me in the arm and left some entrails. THAT TIME I squealed and screamed like a girl and ran all the way home. I do still cringe at mutilated animal corpses. But who doesn't?

I LOVE heights. I LOVE the dark. I love bridges and climbing on precarious surfaces. There's something exhilarating about those things. I'm NOT smart about them. In Mexico, we came across some sort of spider on the wall inside some ruins. The thing was bigger than my hand. NOT a tarantula (which we learned to catch and play with.) Not even our biology professor knew what this thing was. We took pictures, but wanted to see the scale. I was THIS CLOSE to putting my hand up right next to it to compare the size for a picture. Bro. Juan stopped me. I didn't think about the fact that I could have died! I'm not necessarily brave. Just stupid. :)

In summary--you're not going to get me with a spider or a snake or strange noises in the night (I was always the roommate with the flashlight who had to get up and check things out.) But you might just get me with a Tickle Me Elmo. Especially if he still has the same sinister laugh ...

The devil himself.

 the spider I wanted to touch. Those are not my man hands.

 It's humid in Belize. Lay off the hair, alright! I'm pretty sure I got it done in corn rows the day after this picture was taken. I have a similar picture of me when i was 6 with a little garden snake. I wish I could find it to put the pictures side-by-side. Time for some digging.

An awkward game of "pass the tarantula" in Guatemala. The thing was scrambling everywhere, but we couldn't let it drop to the ground!

Ponder anew what the Almighty can do

This weekend I had another marvelous opportunity to listen to Prophets of the Lord. My heart is full of gratitude for modern day revelation and the access we have to guidance from the Lord's chosen servants. Conference is amazing! I just ate it up. There are many things happening in my life right now. There have been many ups and downs recently and I've been pushed to study and ponder a lot of life-altering situations.

Here are some things I've learned lately--over the last few weeks, and then confirmed this weekend in General Conference.

I've recently been butt-hurt by some treatment from (whom I'd thought to be) close friends. These are good people. I don't feel that they have malicious intentions. I think, so often, we all get caught up in our own perspectives and we don't realize how our actions hurt others. I've been frustrated by multiple versions of the same situation from the same people/person. I'm realizing more and more how, even though people are good, their association can sometimes be a poison. We come to expect more from those closest to us. And often, some individuals just don't have the thought to follow through. While I've enjoyed these friendships, things need to change. I've been abused too many times without thought or concern. I realized several days ago, that these harbored feeling of hurt have been poisoning me. I have been trying to figure out how to express my pain, how to convey my perspective; but all I can think is all of the excuses and justification I'd hear from the other party. What good does that do anyone if we only have our own eyes to see with? I can't change anyone's perspective or the ways they interact and connect (or don't) with others. But I can change my expectations. I'm learning more about loyalty and who's really there and who's just along for the party. I'm tired of looking for more from "party" friends and always getting disappointed. These past several days, I've been praying for peace. There's no "dispute" to reconcile. I don't think anyone else is harboring ill feelings. They're only hurting myself. I have found peace in changing my expectations. Some friends you need to keep close, and others are much better at arm's length. I don't need to cut these people out of my life altogether. It will still take time for me to heal enough to interact again, but it will happen and we can still be friends--just not close ones. And that's okay.

Quotes from Conference:
from Elder Holland's talk-- coveting, pouting or tearing others down does not elevate your standing ...don't dwell on grievances
from President Uchtdorf's talk-- We are quick to judge others and assign dark motives to others to justify our feelings of resentment ... when it comes to our own grievances, we too often justify our own anger ... Stop it. It's that simple. ... replace judgmental thoughts and feelings with a heart full of love for God and His children ... Do you exclude, push away or punish others because of something they have done? Stop it. ... There is enough heartache and sorrow in this world without adding to it with our own resentment ... Lay your burden at the Savior's feet.

Another concept that's been on my mind lately is the importance of deliberate, positive interaction. Last weekend, I spent some wonderful time with family. My cousin Sydney and I went to the Holi Festival of Colors, and then out to dinner. I noticed over and over again how she interacted with perfect strangers. I don't consider myself shy, and I've always thought of myself as a fairly friendly person, but I realized that I'm not deliberate about it. I'm not outwardly friendly towards strangers until I'm approached first. Here are some things Sydney did during our time together: she got the attention of the mother and two daughters on the bus in front of us to tell them they had beautiful hair and ask them what hair products they used. She told the people standing on the moving bus that if things got bumpy, they could hold on to my ponytail for stability. At the Color Festival, she called down from the balcony to a woman in a wedding dress, "I like your dress!" She photo-bombed several groups. She walked up to a woman not yet covered in chalk and explained, "I'm going to dump some of this on your head now." When I whispered to her that I liked some lady's hair, Syd called out, "Hey, lady with the pretty hair!" Okay, she may have seemed a little drunk with that one. :) And then at the restaurant, she saw another table of people who'd come from the Color Festival and stopped to compliment them on their chalk colors. Sydney hasn't always been like that. I asked her about it and she said her boyfriend has been a good influence on reaching out and interacting with others. I made it a point this week to make eye contact and smile at people in stores, make small talk with the check-out people--it's interesting to me how quickly that has turned my day around and has become a positive force. I need to be a happier person and to share that with those around me!!

I have also had a couple good conversations lately with some of those real friends who prove their loyalty by loving and showing that love through actions. That is SO important! Kylee has stepped up in my life and has been absolutely amazing lately. She's always been one of my favorite people, and we have a lot of fun together, but recently we've shared and trusted and communicated on a much deeper level and I'm realizing that she's a much better friend than I ever gave her credit for. She has stepped in on multiple occasions right when I've needed her and has been such an amazing answer to prayers. I'm so grateful to see that something I've been needing so much in my life really has been there all along.

My cousin Kim and I talked about validation and how sometimes we can be trying so hard and trying to be strong and independent and trying to help and love and serve, but it makes all the difference to have someone recognize and admire our efforts, to express their love and gratitude for us. Why is it so hard to communicate these things to important people in our lives? Why do we get so caught up in our own lives and what we need that we fail to see how much of an impact a little validation can have in the lives of others? All some of us need is a little encouragement. Maybe there really is nothing we can do to help. Maybe we really are too busy with our own stuff. That's fine. We all have to fight our own battles and its nobody's job to fight them for us. But there is such enabling power that comes from the words, "I love you. You're doing great. I know this is hard, but it will be worth it. Keep up the good work. I love you." Yes. "I love you" is in there twice. It's important. But only if you really mean it and your actions and attitudes support that sentiment. If they don't, those words are dead.

Kimball reminded me of the importance of the priesthood power. It heals and guides us. We are all in each others' lives for a reason and some people will always be there. We should realize that and tap into those resources. We all have trials and hardships. But that means that we all have to learn and grow. It's not an isolated experience. As we learn, we can teach and strengthen those around us. The Lord is good. He is aware of us. He knows our strengths and weaknesses and the deepest desires of our hearts. All that He asks is that we keep His commandments. As we do, we come closer to Him. We develop stronger desires for righteousness. We are more willing to reach out to those around us. Our hearts are changed. We experience joy in this life and His succoring through our trials. And if we endure it well, we will be exalted.

Stuff

Brooke Doesn't Like

Butterflies used in decorations

Movie talkers

People who text while you're talking to them in person

mixed nuts

horchata

those alternating sticky-edges Post-Its that pull out like an accordion

whining and/or sticky children

Hallmark movies

animal art 
filters
crafts

carbonation

gossip

dry highlighters

what hoodies do to my hair

public venting

TV

lipstick or chapstick

excuses

having to take a shower (once I'm in, I like it.)

shoes with heels

closed-lip smiles

styrofoam

"LOL"

inconsiderate people

apathy

wet socks

perfectionism

Sudoku

being an outsider

rolling my tongue

sugar-coating

Brooke Likes

bracelets

constellations

singing along

wind storms

moccassins

parking in the back of the parking lot and walking in

Kleenexes

closed-captioning

taking the stairs
trust

mixing colors

plays on words

walking arm-in-arm

wiggling my toes
affection

too many pillows

men's hair when they're overdue for a haircut/shave

country roads

headphones

The Family Proclamation

short fingernails

underlining

Nalgene bottles

winking

sliding in socks on hard wood floors

sneezing twice in a row

a good conversation 

canals

wearing a watch

cinnamon (sugarless) gum

snow angels

when someone's face lights up when they see me

dirt

sincerity

peanut butter

running my hands through grass

laughing

no money for Chippendale dancers

Last night, my mom threw a temper tantrum--and boy did it look familiar.
You can ask Gina. I've been known to throw my share--usually when I'm hungry and have no patience to figure out what to eat.

Mom's temper tantrum had ALL of the necessary components for a real good grown-up temper tantrum.
It started off with a scowl, and then out of nowhere, her Sudoku puzzle book went flying across the room, immediately followed by her mechanical pencil and the shout, "I hate Sudoku! It's sooo hard!"
And then the whining started.
"I already did all the easy ones and I can't do the hard ones!"
"I have a headache."
"Don't look at me! Stop laughing!"
"I want my mom!" (when I responded, "She doesn't want you. You're being naughty.") "I KNOW!!"
"I don't want to work tomorrow!"
"Dad's going on a campout and he didn't leave me any Chippendale money for the dancers ... I don't have any dollars!"
"I went to get a cupcake at work and it had a HAIR on it!" And then I got the story of the hairy cupcake.
I offered some suggestions of MY favorite things to do on a bad day. HUGE VETO.
"I don't WANT to watch Harry Potter! Stupid, stupid, stupid."
"Even the dog doesn't want to be with me! She asked to go outside an hour ago!"
"My sister loves me. I want my sister!"
And then when I went in for a hug to make her feel better:
"Get away from me! You smell like Zumba!"
We went another round about how she can't do the hard Sudoku puzzles and she's already done all the easy ones. I tried her help her by throwing her books into the fireplace. But we have a gas fireplace and they just bounced off the glass. Then she got mad at me for "destroying" her books. 
I reminded her that she's not allowed to have PMS anymore. They cut out her "girl parts" last year.
"Oh. Okay. I'm fine, then." And she calmed down and smiled.
That was short-lived.
Soon she stood up and went off on how she's "not allowed to do ANYTHING because I don't have any girl parts!!" Complaining about being suppressed and having to live up to too many rules.

Man, it was really funny to be on the receiving end of this! All she was missing was a full-body melt-down to the floor and possibly some crawl-stomping up the stairs.
And she failed to finish the end of her rampage with: "Our pets heads are falling off!"

But still--I learn from the best.

my family--quoted

Just over two weeks ago, our little Amanda got married. That's right. She's 10 years younger than me, and married. And I couldn't be happier for her. We got to welcome Lee into our family and we're so excited that our zoo is growing! I could do your typical: "This is what we did:..." post, or I could just slap some pictures on here with some funny things people said. Honestly, I think you'd get a much more entertaining and accurate conception of the weekend with just the pictures and the quotes.

"I don't want to hear you anymore"--Grandma when she took out her hearing aid after Sydney kept belching next to her at the game table.

"I'm looking for my almost twin."--Vicki after she discovered that she and Brenda were wearing the same outfit. This was NOT planned. Nor was it planned the first time this happened ... or the second ... third, fourth or fifth times. The seventh one might be planned, though.

After the sealing ceremony, we went to the Joseph Smith Building for a small family luncheon. There was a microphone and family members were taking turns sharing memories of Lee or Amanda and wishing them congratulations. Lee had a lot of representation because his family are better speakers than we are. Everything that had been said was very complimentary and Lee was placed on a pretty high pedestal. Then, Amanda's little sister Alex went up to the microphone and opened with: "Lee put mustard in my shampoo. He's not as nice as everyone says he is."

"I didn't hear it snow last night!"--My mom in her leopard-print pajamas, still half asleep, squinting out the window at the 4 inches of snow that appeared overnight.

"I LOVE shooting my cousins!"--me after laser tag.

"My hips don't lie."--Steven talking about doing Zumba at a ward activity.

"Where are the cookies? And where should one be?" [cupping empty hand in front of her]--Sydney, requesting a cookie.

"We have an awkward relationship." --me and Makay while trying to get our hair in each others' faces while hugging.

"Did you see my dancing shoes?"--my Dad when he bought new boots and wanted to show them to Steven.

"My daughter is SHORT!"--Kristyn, observing Tabytha with all of Hampton's friends. Taby's a month older and a foot shorter than all of them.

"Somebody make a decision!"--Kim with 5 people in the car, asking what we all wanted to do next.
"Shopping!"--Brooke
"Of COURSE you'd make THAT decision!"--Kim

"I'm so proud of you! Now do the Macarena." Makay to my dad after he asked me to dance.

I love my family. We're going through some pretty rough times at the moment. But we're strong, and underneath the ridiculousness is a LOT of love. And love is pretty darn powerful, y'all.

It's about LOVE. This may be influenced by Valentine's Day.

Today in church we talked a lot about good examples and showing our love for each other. We even talked a bit about the ways we give and receive love and how sometimes it's hard to do because we all have different perspectives and ways we express ourselves. This has been on my mind a LOT lately. It's brought a lot of frustrations and has caused me to reflect on my own behavior and communication.
I've also reflected a lot on the issue of respect. Not in a "respect your elders" sort of way, but just a general respect for people around us. I have a coworker who is really bothering me because of her lack of respect for others. She's never attacked me personally, but just being within earshot of her tirades makes me very uncomfortable.
I'm not the best at this myself. I need to work on it. Awareness is the first step, right? Well, I need to make a stronger attempt at being aware of my own interactions.
This weekend, I got to spend some time with an old friend. Lisa has always been such an example of sincerity and respect for others. I noticed it three years ago when we used to spend time together nearly every day. I think I got too used to it. I started taking it for granted. I think maybe I expected all friends to be this way. But then--maybe we all should? I want to work on it. Being away from her for so long, and then getting to spend time together with her twice in the last two weeks has opened my eyes again to her amazing social skills and the effortless way she makes others feel appreciated.
I was writing in my journal tonight, listing qualities that I appreciated in Lisa and want to work on better emulating myself. I wrote them all down in my journal and then decided to also post them here--in case anyone else would like tips on how to be a better friend. Oh, and I kinda wanted to do a tribute to my dear Lis!
Lisa knows me better than most people. Like I said, we spent a LOT of time together and shared a lot of insights into the inner workings of each others' lives. What's cool is that she remembers those things. In all of our interactions, even though it's been a year and a half since we've spent much time together, we pick up right where we left off. It's like she KNOWS me.
Lisa's so attentive to details. She notices non-verbal cues and reacts to them. It's almost like she can read minds. She picks up on cues and signals and wants to know the reason behind them. She can always tell if someone has something to input into a conversation and she'll stop what she's saying to ask what that person thinks. She also can always tell when you're having a bad day and goes out of her way to find out why. She calls me out if my "body language" doesn't match my words. She wants to know what I REALLY think, not just what I want to present. She pays attention. None of these things is necessarily communicated outwardly. She just notices.
She's sincere. She genuinely listens and cares about details in everyone's lives. She asks questions to fill any gaps and to understand better. She pays attention to what you have to say and doesn't get distracted from stories or conversations.
She's very respectful. She truly sees each person as an individual with needs. She's always trying to figure out what drives people and how to best interact with each person.
She never interrupts or competes for conversation. So often, we'll start talking at the same time, and she'll always defer to the other person first. Too often, I interject as she's talking and she'll immediately stop her end and listen to what I have to say. RUDE on my part, but totally respectful on hers.
She always gives feedback to the other person's point of view and shows genuine interest. When their opinion conflicts with her own, she keeps hers to herself so as not to trample their feelings.
She she doesn't understand something, she asks questions, repeats back what you said and truly seeks for clarification.
She's not a "smile and nod" listener. She sincerely listens!
She's quick to compliment and pays attention to people's good qualities. She notices the little things and makes you feel good about them.

She'll take the bullet and go out of her way so you don't feel stupid for something. She'll never draw your own mistakes to your attention. She'll silently fix them on her own and let you remain happy in ignorance. Once, I had a big zit on the side of my nose. I didn't know it was there. But she traded places with me for a picture so it wouldn't show. When i asked her why we were trading places, she told me it was because SHE had a zit. Wow.
When I'm upset about something little and stupid, she doesn't try to blow it off. She knows when some little things need drama and are worth getting upset over.
She validates me in my ups and downs--gets upset when I'm upset and happy when I'm happy. She never makes me feel like I'm not justified or ridiculous for feeling the way I do. She understands.
Lisa makes me feel loved and makes me want to be better at showing love to others.

Skyler's cheese

Some things that happened a long time ago are still worth mentioning, months later.
You know--important things...
Like that time back in July when Skyler brought his own cheese to the BBQ
And I saw it sitting there unattended. What do you do with a whole brick of cheese?
You dare Kylee to take a bite out of it.
This is not the sort of dare either of us could back out of.
I wonder why Skyler went straight to me, first. When I told him, "Those are NOT my teeth!" He immediately turned to Kylee to match the dental molds.
Man, we're funny.

But how did he KNOW it was us?

Out of character... and then quickly back in.

So, I am who I am. That really means nothing, does it? Why do people say that? Is that some sort of self-condoning twist, like unto Lady Gaga's "Born This Way"? (I HATE that song, by the way. Hate it. I mean, it's like negating the entire doctrine of overcoming the natural man. I don't mean to go all preachy on this but, c'mon, Lady. You should know better.)

I've been having some "getting to know you" conversations with a new friend of mine. We're sending facebook messages and random texts and just having fun swapping stories and random facts about each other. What's interesting to me is that she continues to be surprised. Am I that unexpected? When I take a step back and think about it, nothing I've shared fits into any sort of mold. I think people who don't know me well are often surprised when they get to know me better.

It's fun to be random. A few facts that I've shared with her that have caused some laughter:
I HATE my scrawny wrists/neck. Many people like the "elegant" look. I see "awkward weakling." Therefore, I will ALWAYS wear my hair down and load up on bracelets.

Every time I do laundry, I have to fight the urge to slide down the stairs inside my laundry baskets. My limited knowledge of physics tells me that will not end well. But that doesn't stop me from wanting to try.

I hate smelly lotions/candles/air freshener. More specifically, I hate the ones that smell like food. Sugar cookie or raspberry should NOT be the scent of a person. I should never be tempted to eat my own hand. If I smell vanilla, I want to be able to eat a cookie.

I hate shopping carts. I will cut the circulation off my own hand by carrying a 30lb plastic basket around the store before trying to maneuver a cumbersome shopping cart. It slows me down. I have no patience for that.

I love artsy things, but I HATE making them. Again, with the patience thing. I'm addicted to etsy.com because I'd much rather pay someone else to make something simple than try to figure out how to do it myself.

I love clothes, but I hate hair and makeup and heels and fingernails. I like looking good, I just hate the effort it takes. I only recently have started experimenting with braids and other hairstyles. But I won't do anything that takes more than 2 minutes. No blow dryers for me!!

Those things being said, I did some things recently that are totally out of character for me. (Assuming that, with my randomness, there is such a thing as "in character.")

 I got my first manicure. Mom re-gifted a gift certificate she got from work. Of course, they were immediately smudged and rough-looking, but I LOVE the color and had to go buy my own bottle so I can do it again myself. (And by "myself", I mean I'm going to ask Gina to do it. When I paint, it looks like a 6-year-old did it.)











I created an earring holder out of a place mat. I've been checking out earring display ideas on Pinterest and this is NOTHING like any of them. But it was innovative and colorful and TOTALLY me! I'm pretty danged proud of myself. I didn't technically have to "make" anything. I hung a place mat on my wall and then stuck my earrings in it. But still ...







Also, out of character for me: I missed the "make a silly
face" memo in our Zumba picture! Really, the story's funnier than that. Valerie (mentioned in my previous post, and also the recipient of aforementioned "getting to know you" messages) claims to be pretty reserved. But I don't believe a word of it. A couple of weeks ago, she was my Zumba buddy at a fundraiser they did for Special Olympics. The two of us had a BLAST trying to follow new choreography that included awkward stops and even a bit of air guitar. Then, those of us who attend the Zumba Sisters' class got together for a group photo. They had us do a few silly ones. And sweet little Valerie leans in to stick her tongue in my ear! I was so distracted and laughing so hard that I totally missed the picture. Although, this zoomed in version still makes me pretty happy! Look how pleased she is with herself! :)





It's pretty "in-character" for me to be inappropriate and immature, so I don't have to explain the ideas behind this next picture other than, mom and dad were out of town and mom has a LOT of crafty letter blocks. SOMETHING had to be done with them! Letter blocks + Suzie + Gina + pizza make for one fun party!







AND now here's a brief photo summary of last weekend's trip to Utah:

I met up with Lisa for dinner and some shopping. Also, I brought her step kids down from Idaho to spend the weekend with them. I was scared to drive down with a 6 year old and a 4 year old, but they slept the whole way!

My job for the bridal shower was to make the signs and set them up on the street corners. Sydney helped me. You gotta jump really good to get these suckers into the ground!

 

Cousins Hampton, Brooke & Sydney at the bridal shower. I really love Hampton's happy grin in this picture!!

Sydney put together a "How well do you know each other?" game. Amanda and Lee had no idea what to expect when they got an answer wrong! We kinda made a mess of Grandma's living room. But it was so fun!

Kim, Hampton and me. I can't get enough of these ladies!

Alex, Brooke, Amanda and Sydney. These sisters are SO MUCH fun! I think I love my cousins more and more every time we get together. I'm pretty lucky that I have the best family in the world!

Mama and Grandma Ruby.

My cute mom and her cute mom.

I went shopping with Kim and Hampton. I bought a bookcase at IKEA and Hampton helped me push it out to the car--with STYLE!

There are also some Silvester cousins down in Utah! This other cousin Amanda is probably going to be angry at me for posting a pregnant picture. Whatever. She's adorable. And her unborn child already kicked me.

My best regards to 2011

I'm sorry, 2011. You got the blog shaft.
I'm hoping 2012 will get the upper hand. But it's early yet. And it's not off to a super great start. So, only time will tell. I have good intentions.
Don't feel totally shafted, 2011. You really had it good.
For instance, 2011 brought me THIS:

Life's greatest blessings come in the form of friends who will listen to you whine, help you streamer a friend's bedroom, tell you that you're not as hopeless as you claim to be, flirt with the Chukars mascot, tough out some SERIOUS drama with you, demote you from being Captain to merely "steerer", celebrate earth-breaking triumphs, and leave random treats in and on and under your car. (and hold you up when you're squatting at a concert because your hips hurt.) I met Kari in 2010, but in 2011, she turned into a HUGE blessing for me, and I'm SO grateful for that blessing!

Through 2011, the Post Register newspaper continued to pay my bills while I stressed and screamed and went crazy booking their advertising and laying out the newspaper. The PR and I continue to have a tortured relationship and may be seeking counseling.

In 2011, I hiked, Zumba'd and volleyballed my a** off. And by saying that, it would imply that I ever had an a** to begin with. I never did. But, since the other squishy parts of me still exist, I'm going to say that it was my a** that was most affected. Hmm. I probably shouldn't have ever gone here to begin with. 


In 2011, I did a lot of hiking, Zumba and played a lot of volleyball. I'm starting to get pretty nervous that my joints and my energy level are not aging in unison. I LOVE to play and I don't ever want to have to slow down. But, I have definitely been fighting my share of knee, hip and shoulder pains. Nothing I'd ever go to the doctor for, of course.

 hike to Union Falls (17 miles?) with Cameron, Kari, Gina, me, Brooke, Jared, Tanner, Melissa and Keri.

I played on 3 recreational volleyball teams in 2011. This was our team for the women's league. Melissa, Jessica, me, Andrea and Kylee with Kim and Heidi in the front row. It was such a fun collection of girls from all over the place. Kylee and I have had a blast playing together for awhile now and I just LOVE having that tradition with her! I even called my childhood friend Andrea out of retirement to come join us! (she's the shmoe in the back with the antlers.) 

My cousins Amanda and Alex joined me at Zumba before our family reunion! I'm kind of a Zumba nut. Who'd have EVER thought that would happen? I've always been the uncoordinated, lazy girl who'd rather eat a cookie than work out. Well, THAT hasn't changed. But I LOVE going to Zumba and sweating out my uncoordination! Honestly? The highlight for me is the fun I get to have with friends. In 2011, I got Gina, Keri, Lisa, Bethany and Shayla all coming to Zumba. Then we have to count the amazing Tami and Amy who teach and have become close friends as well. Also, there's this girl.

Valerie has brought SO much sunshine into my life in such a short time! We met at Zumba, but it took us awhile to both creep out of our comfort zones and become friends. But, now that we have, it's amazing how close we've become so fast. I just love this lady! I don't have any pictures of us together yet. Don't tell her I stole this from her facebook page. ;) Thank you, 2011, for bringing me Valerie. 2012, it's up to you to keep this going! And I really can't wait! 

Is it obvious that PEOPLE are my favorite THINGS? 2011 brought me lots of good people and good experiences. Here are just a few more:

This guy. I think he entered my life in ... 1994? But 2011 taught us how crazy-similar we are. Apparently "dork" runs in the family. (he's my 17-year-old cousin.) Makay has been cracking me up all year! We've started a tradition of giving each other "the bird" which means finding some bird figurine that Grandma uses as decoration in her house and handing it to one another. Makay and I also shared an epic canoeing trip down the river with his brother, Dallin. We played dueling banjos with our canoe paddles. I did NOT teach Mak how to paddle a boat. Which end's up? Seriously. This kid is hilarious. And we get along alarmingly well.

Then, there's my cousin Kim. 2011 (and every year for the past ... 5 years?) has brought on a lot of heart-warming conversations. Last year was particularly monumental. Thanks so much for sharing your love, support and insight, Kim!

You know, I could go on forever about 2011 and we all know there are plenty of gaps to fill, since my posts have been PATHETIC, but how can I really make up for a year's worth of blogging in one post that anyone's actually going to read? If you read this all the way through ... well ... I don't believe that anyone really will.

Anyway, maybe I'll do some quicker, smaller, more event-based posts in retrospect. Anyone want to hear about Halloween? ;) Oooh! I really want to post about Kylee eating Skyler's cheese. Another day.

As for this re-cap, I'll just show you one more thing that 2011 brought me:

 hello, baby.

Right after work on a Friday:

I have no idea how to be loved.

I find great accomplishment in the fact that I've arrived at work by 10:00 every morning this week. (okay, 10:15, but still.) I'm giving NO credit to daylight saving's time for this.

I can never type the word "silver" without it becoming "silvester."

I've completely revised my sock preferences. I need to clean out my sock drawer.

Even good things go uneaten in my world. I'm a food hoarder. These milk chocolate-covered caramel- macadamia clusters that my boss brought back from Hawaii are going to go bad before I eat them all.

I used to only do laundry once every 2-3 weeks. Now, I need to wash my volleyball shirt before every game. Laundry once a week is so annoying.

Laundry's my favorite household chore.

Our volleyball team is ranked #7 out of 12 teams. Whatever. That's GOOD.

I'm addicted to Pinterest. I feel more fashionable when I can pin pretty things, even if I don't own them.

My definition of "pretty" is so different from most people's.

I hate all shoes with heels--it's not just a comfort thing. Most of them are just plain ugly. I also don't like a lot of shiny things.

I'm more obsessed with Harry Potter than I ever gave myself credit for.

This week, I've listened to almost an entire season of Friends while I work. I can't focus unless there's something worth paying attention to.

I like my wood iPhone case more than I like the actual phone. There's another crack in it. We're onto our 4th glue job. The day I can no longer fix it is the day I throw my phone away.

Heroins

Source: hardlybreathe.livejournal.com via Brooke on Pinterest

I'm a crappy blogger

as consolation, here's a treat for you all.
It's been stuck in my head for 4 days now, and I'm still not sick of it.
Enjoy.

See all the CollegeHumor Original Videos here.

Alert: Emo Post

I'm wondering if I can even make sense of things to myself. Is it a girl thing to over-think, over-analyze and be driven by emotions?
I have been SUCH a girl lately.
I didn't realize I was so needy. I didn't realize I was so fragile and so off-kilter. I knew I was confused. I knew that I had a LOT going on in my head. I knew that good things have happened that remind me of other good things, but that's kind of put a shadow over my current life perspective. Do you ever look back and reminisce over mini-triumphs and life-changing experiences, only to recognize that the HERE and NOW is nothing to celebrate? Where did those moments of clarity go? Why have I lost that purpose and sense of direction?
These past few months have been CRAZY. The specifics are not all mine to share. There's SO much good to come of all of this, but I'm having a hard time finding application and a solid ground to build that good stuff on.
I've had some amazing people in my life. And I'm not just talking about fun friends to go to lunch with and laugh with. Although, those are SO valuable. But the ones that have made such an impact lately are those who have been vulnerable.
Vulnerability is such a crazy thing. I don't understand it, and yet I'm captive by it. I used to think it wasn't okay to be vulnerable with other people. I couldn't allow myself to show weakness. But, sometimes it's forced on us. Those have been the times of greatest connection and growth. Crying with friends can't necessarily be considered "fun", but it's one of my favorite past times. I've forged amazing relationships and have taught and learned so much through these moments of vulnerability.
What's amazing to me is to see how far people have come. When you know someone at their lowest, when they trust and let you in and ask for help when it seems they've got nowhere else to turn to, you get to REALLY know them. I am reeling at how these bonds are formed. I've prayed and prayed and I know the Lord guides us in our lives to the people we need the most. I know I've felt that guidance and have been on both sides of that situation. I've felt Him direct me in what to say and do for a friend in need. Do any of you know how great it feels to truly be a "ministering angel"? When you know that, by just being there, and by being willing to love and support, the Lord has used you to bless the life of someone else. It's amazing. A-MAZING. And what's even better? Three years down the road, there's NO sign of that fragile person you loved and cared for so long ago. She's still there--but she's unrecognizable. Who she has become through the whole refining process leaves me speechless and in tears. She deserves it and I'm so proud of her.
But I can't help but be a bit jealous. Where's my transition? I certainly wasn't strong and resilient through all these painful circumstances. I look at my own life and can't help but feel that I need to be better. I know I've come a long way. I started typing that I hadn't, but I remembered that I know better. I have learned SO much and have grown tremendously. But I'm still cycling.
Just recently, I've been learning the importance of trust. I'm not necessarily talking about the difference between telling lies and telling truth, but more along the lines of loving and allowing oneself to be loved. There are few people whom I've truly let into my life, into my weaknesses and dirty laundry. Who wants to share those things? Who even wants to go there? I realize now, that I do. SELECTIVELY.
I have received the answer time and time again that I need people and I need to stop pushing them away. I need to pull them in. I've had awesome experiences with people who have been heaven-sent. I need to learn better the art of "bearing one anthers' burdens." I LOVE to care for my friends. I love to offer help and be involved in their lives. I love when they trust and confide in me. I have NO problem opening my heart to weaknesses and sharing my love when a good friend needs it. I'm a complete disaster when it comes to doing it the other way around. I want that more than ANYTHING in the world. But how do you get there? How do you ask for it, or accept it willingly when it's there? I've found that I'm so insecure. I find myself small-talking about popcorn and camouflage when I really just need to talk about something real. I find myself craving validation and bursting into tears when a friend texts me JUST what I'd been needing to hear--and then I feel pathetic for needing it so badly.
How can good experiences and memories throw my world so off-kilter? Why am I so shaken up by life's greatest joys? Why can't I hold on to the good feelings and use them?

Because I can't ignore a direct request from Valerie

Valerie wants me to update my blog. And I know she was talking to me when she said it.

--Summers and falls are for country music. It always happens that way. (I live in Idaho, so it kind of just applies here.) Working at the Post Register has its perks. We sponsor lots of events and I get free tickets. Hello, Josh Turner. Hello, Ronnie Dunn. Thanks for letting me sing along.

--someone I care about just broke off her engagement. There were lies and secrets. Things may have been okay if he'd been honest from the beginning. It's made me think a lot. I understand the need for openness and honesty in a marriage relationship. It's SO important. I think it's important to have someone you don't feel like you have to hide from. That someone should be your spouse. I've realized that there is not one person in my life that I feel I can be completely open and honest with. There are a few who are close. But there are still barriers. Is this something that can/should only be achieved in marriage? Maybe I still just gotta wait my turn.
On a related note: I have a friend who hasn't told his wife about an ex-girlfriend that he was madly in love with. She broke his heart. Isn't this something his wife should know about? None of my business. I just believe in honesty.

--My email account was hacked this morning. This is one of those things that never seems like a big deal until it happens to you. Still, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to me, either if I hadn't just sent Viagra/sex drive emails to 1/2 of my coworkers AND my Stake Presidency.

--Pinterest is a little bit inspiring for me. I think I may even learn how to braid my hair. Cooking is still a ways down the road, but it could happen.

--Last night, I was digging through an old plastic crate full of CD's. The crate had been stored on a shelf in the basement and I was holding it in my lap while I looked for "Joseph: A Nashville Tribute to the Prophet." About halfway through the digging, I noticed that stuck to the back of the crate (and subsequently also sitting on my lap) was a VERY full spider trap. Now, most girls would have thrown the entire thing out the window and ran away screaming. I shuddered. And continued to dig. Never found that CD.

--So often, when I'm frustrated or just craving some sort of gratification, I'll think about going shopping and actually ask myself, "Is there anything I could buy right now?" Yes. The concept of "living by necessity" is pretty far out of my reach.

On a completely unrelated note, I think I need this.

"Come back, bunny!"

Muppets + OkGo ??
Best idea EVER.

Silvesters-in-Law

I'm never going to catch up on this blog thingy, but I can't let some important events slip away from me, so I'm going to at least attempt to do a few things justice.
Let's start with this family reunion business. It seems to be ALL I do anymore. August was double-booked. Two  reunions back-to-back at the same location--Palisades. (IS there any other place, really? When your uncle owns an RV park there, the answer is "no.")
For those non-Silvester blog readers out there, let me give you a little background on the Silvesers. They're ALL boys. Sure, there are a few girls scattered here and there, but the Silvester family is known for boys. It may have something to do with the fact that my dad is the 6th of 7 sons. And out of those 7 sons, 2 had ALL boys. Hold on. Let me do a head count. Out of my generation of Silvesters we have ... 8 girls and ... 11 boys. Is that ALL? Whatever. It seems like there a LOTS more boys than girls. Mostly because out of those 11 boys 8 of them spent many growing up years in Idaho. Guess how many of those girls grew up here? One. ME.
I remember standing in the kitchen with Grandma in my apron, HATING LIFE while the boys all got to play in the backyard. Why did I deserve such punishment? It was SUCH a relief when Courtney and Gentry would come visit because they actually enjoyed cooking and helping Grandma. I would retreat to the sandbox or the broken-down bus (but only if I could guess the password. Otherwise, they'd never let me on. I seem to remember one pass"word" being more of a gesture. I caught on to that one quickly and they had to let me on.) ;)
But guess what? This year, I discovered a great benefit to having all sorts of boy cousins! They eventually marry AWESOME girls! And just like that, I have friends. Who knew I'd have to wait this long? (Sorry, Silvester girls; but California and Oregon and 10-years-age difference just isn't close enough!) And kudos to my misfit boy cousins for scoring such awesome ladies. I'm glad we got to spend some extra time together this year. We've all got the same last name now (and that's WEIRD for me to think about) so we may as well be friends!
Cousins Jennifer and Amanda couldn't make it with their crews. (Jennifer hails from California and claims it's a long way to come. Amanda likes to plan other "more important" ventures for the same week.) We've heard we have a cousin named Amity, but nobody's really convinced she exists. Heather brought 2/4 of her crew for  about 20 hours and went home with 3/4 of hers. Courtney brought her munchkin (Ezra) whom most of us met for the first time. And Gentry brought her bike but no tire pump. Kylie couldn't come cuz she was too busy being a boy scout. But man, we had fun together. 'Cept Courtney wouldn't let me share my taco with Ez.
In addition to watching my dog retreat from the baby, we played some games, hiked some mountains, chased some rainbows and canoed down a river. I had to work the majority of the week, but that's the benefit of having the reunion so close--I could go back and forth.
Now, for some pictures.

 Gentry and I at the top of Fall Creek. 

We were supposed to ride our bikes there, 

but that plan failed on so many levels.

 Gentry and the double rainbow we were chasing

 Uncle Tom doesn't like being licked by dogs. ;)

 Targhee, Mark, Cody, Gentry, Kelan, Barbara, me and Tom 

on our hike to Lower Palisades.

 Cody and his chipmunk friend who tried to climb onto his back.

Courtney, Ezra, me, Cynthia, Baby Bobby and Pauline. 

The younger generation (and their babies) took on the old ladies in a game of "Word on the Street." 

I don't remember exactly, but it would make sense to say we won.

 Gavyn, Hunter, Scott and Heather starting out the river trip.

 Shae and Hunter

 Uncle Scott and Ezra--BFF's.

 Oh no he di'int! Never tell Uncle Scott he's too old.

Shae, Heather, me and Gavyn just before they left. 

They weren't there for nearly long enough! 

me and Cody's wife, Pauline. See? They pick good ones.  

 Scott, Robin and Cody & Pauline's boys, Colby and Harrison. That Harrison's pretty thug.