Small things are kinda big

I've always struggled with small talk. I think for years, I craved "big talk" and small talk was just the annoying thing that got in the way of what I felt to be more important.

This week, I've been learning otherwise. Talk is talk. It's amazingly beautiful to be able to connect with other people at any level. We all have something to offer. We all have depth. Sometimes we show it, sometimes we don't. But even when we choose not to show our hearts, they're who we are and it shines through whether we like it or not.

I've been looking for big things lately, and I've been disappointed. I've wanted huge revelations or miracles. I've wanted heart-felt, gut-wrenching, life-changing experiences. I've been looking too big.

God works in small and simple ways. 

My life is changing and doors are opening through small talk and warm connections. And Zumba choreography and volleyball nights and Muppet Movies and trying on skinny jeans and a swarm of 8-11 year old girls and Hunger Games and grocery shopping and late-night emails. Small things are happening in big ways. 

Defending my right to be held

I'm thirty-one and single and I defend my right to be held.

Are snuggles just for mothers and lovers? I don't think that I (or anyone) falls outside of the realm of those who get to be loved.

It is instinctive for a child to yearn to be held and cuddled. When something goes awry, she seeks comfort in the arms of someone she trusts. Are adult needs much different? It seems that adults deny ourselves of very real opportunities for love and strength because we fear it's awkward.

I've been wading through a lot of life lately. I've been pushing and growing and striving to learn and become better. Growth hurts. Hurt calls for comfort. Yet, I'm too old to crawl into my mommy's lap. And I don't have a spouse or even a boyfriend. Does that mean that my needs are invalid?

Some people who are reading this may be thinking, "Well, she just needs to get a boyfriend." You're probably right, but NOT for this reason. I think that's the problem. We need to be willing and able to love and show affection to one another without agenda. I shouldn't need someone to be "in love" with me in order to feel this love.

I spoke to a brave friend today who often craves the same form of affection in her life. She said that, when she was working with a therapist, she asked her therapist to hold her. How liberating would it be to be able to voice that need and have it be met? There's a lot to be said that something so sacred and nurturing would take place as part of a therapeutic process. I've craved that. But, do I need to be paying someone $100 an hour for me to feel safe enough to ask for it? That's one expensive hug.

In my conversation with this friend, I was filled with such amazing love and affection for her. I responded, "I would hold you. And I don't think that's weird." And she didn't, either. It hit me how much I long for that to be okay.

I know there are so many people in my life who love and support and uplift. We, as fellow sons and daughters of God are commissioned to comfort those who stand in need of comfort. We are asked to engage with one another to increase love and support in our individual journeys. We serve and nurture and uplift. All these things are SO GOOD. Why then, is physical affection so quickly withheld? Are people uncomfortable? Is it too often assumed to be sexual? I feel like the natural man is sabotaging this very innate and righteous need. I feel like Satan has taken something real and holy and has twisted it to fulfill his sordid purposes.

I don't know all the therapeutic terms or reasons behind it, but I do know that we all need to be loved. We need affection and support and comfort from each other. And sometimes, we need to be held by each other and we need that need to be okay.