Let's catch up!

Lisa--don't you dare JUST look at the pictures and then have no idea what I'm talking about. READ! :D

So, it's been awhile since I've blogged, and it's been even longer since I've given anything akin to a real update. So, here's to some highs and lows of 2010! (I've done a few lows already, so let's hope this post stays up high!)

High: Nicole and I successfully made an apron for Kylee for Christmas. It was HARD, seeing as neither of us have any sewing talent at all. This just goes to show how much we love Kylee and how determined we were to make this work! We were finally able to give it to Kylee at our fun friend Christmas party at the beginning of January. Guess what?? She LIKED it! There may or may not have been a tear or two involved. I'm pretty sure Kylee likes zebra stripes.

Low: Work has come up with mandatory furlough days instead of doing wage cuts. This means that I have to take 5 unpaid days off in a 4 month period. I've procrastinated, so I have to take one each pay check until March. This means, I'm short 8 hours pay. Since I'm barely making any money anyway, this means I'm even MORE broke than ever! The result? I know what hungry feels like. Last week, I think I had maybe 4 legitimate meals all week. It was a PARTY when I was finally able to donate plasma and take it all to WinCo! (oh ... that last part should be considered a HIGH)

High: Even though I'm broke, I've been snowboarding 4 times this year! (so the first time was on Dec. 31st, but I say it counts.) I've been 3 times to Kelly Canyon and once to Targhee. Now, you may be thinking that I'm an idiot for spending grocery money on snowboarding and now you're not going to feel sorry for me for being broke and hungry, but wait for this next HIGH: I've only spent a grand total of $35 on snowboarding all 4 times! It pays to have friends with 1/2 price tickets and other friends on Ski Patrol who ROCK!! So ... I know people.

High: this one time while we were night skiing/boarding at Kelly Canyon, the power went out and all the lights shut off on the mountain. It was freaking AWESOME! Then a backup light came on on the shack. They made us all sit down until the lights came back on. COOL!

High: Remember that time I blogged about snowboarding and said that Tara has the same pot coat as me? This could have been a bad thing. But really, I LOVE Tara. So ... we're pot coat buddies. This is a definite highlight.

Low: I didn't hang my poppy picture in studs on the wall. It keeps falling and the nails are slipping. I really need to fix that.

High: I got domestic for Christmas. I sewed stuff! In addition to Kylee's apron, I put peoples' names on towels and initials on washcloths. They turned out SUPER cute and I LOVE them! (some of you may remember the last time I did this. I think they've improved.) I also made a log. But, we're going to pretend that never happened.

Low: We had a cross-country skiing trip planned for yesterday, but Harriman Park apparently had white-out conditions, so it got cancelled. High: We had people over for potluck lunch instead. High: Ryan and Gina made the exact same YUMMY soup. What are the chances? Low: I got SO stir-crazy from sitting around all day chatting and I didn't get out to play or work or anything. My ADD can't handle it. High: I got to spend a fun day with friends. High: I've finally watched the first two Lord of the Rings movies and before the week is over, I'll have seen all three. I like them! And it's about dang time I take the chance to gain this appreciation! Low: I'm NOT a movie buff and have minimal patience for them. My patience wore thin after two nights of Lord of the Rings in a row with a LOT of movie discussion in between. Media overdose. Seriously.

Low: I've lost my will to read. I was an English Literature major in college and LOVED every minute of it! I loved the intensity behind the Kite Runner and even the thoughts behind the controversy of Beloved. I loved breaking down themes and finding symbolism. LOVED it. I've loved reading since before I even knew how to. But now, I have NO desire to read. None. I'm SO BURNT out! The other day, I picked up a book at Fred Meyer that looked like something I would have loved a few years ago. I read the back of it and walked away, fighting tears! I don't need the anxiety of other people's sob stories! I don't need to go looking for drama! I think I'm too overwhelmed with my own that I just can't get wrapped up in fictionalized problems! I love my scriptures and my churchy books ... and I love my Harry Potter down time (which happens maybe 2 hours a week while I'm donating plasma.) But I can't seem to muster up the desire to get into anything else!

High: I've talked to Kimball more lately than I have in a LONG time. Funny that. We're both so crazy busy, it's not like we have much time to talk, but these few conversations have been EXACTLY what I needed! I just need to love and laugh. Kimball's GOOD at that! I enjoy being Kimball's handicap. Kimball: Sorry I made you lose your game!

High: I found some old pajama pants that are size XXL. My dad thinks I'm a moose cuz he bought them for me. Whatever. They're COMFORTABLE! But they still don't roll over when I do.

High: Kimball and I have decided that polygamy is the way to go. I need a sister, a BFF AND a husband. Brimball goes well together and everyone knows we'd have FUN! AND, Elliot's already offered to be the husband in all of this. We're set.

High: We went to JACKSON! 'nuff said.

High: Kylee comes to my parents' house for Sunday dinners and movie nights and we have FUN! Kylee and mom get along WAY too well and there are lots of laughs in the kitchen. Only a few burned tortilla shells had to suffer from it, so we're still coming out on top.

Low: My hips and knees hurt pretty much ALL the time now. Always. Why do I get these stupid arthritic genes that make me an old woman LOOONNG before time time?

High: I have a kids' yoga CD that I LOVE! It helps me stretch out my hinges while pretending to be bears, owls, apple trees, whatever. It's SUPER FUN! Know what's even funner?? (yes, English nerds. I said "funner"!) When I'm doing post-snowboarding, pre-volleyball hinge-stretching and my roommate Gina joins in! "I am, I am, I am an apple tree! And I'm tall! So tall!" Sorry for your face, Gina. :)

High: I put together the most AWESOME snowboarding soundtrack that's pretty much become the soundtrack of my life! My roommates introduced me to www.legalsounds.com. Go there. It ROCKS! You can download songs for $.09 each! I find one random song I like, and I buy the whole album. So, my playlist is FUN because I still don't know all the songs on it and I love it when I come across new, fun music!

High: We just started up season 2 of volleyball at the Apple. Last season, our team was sponsored by the Post Register. We had fun! But ... We never won a game. This season, we lost two girls, gained two new ones and traded sponsors. The Marshall's Tile team just won our first game last week! We're off to an AWESOME start!

High: I LOVE vanilla ice cream with bananas and carmel. Just sayin'.

High: This isn't MY high, but it's still pretty freakin' awesome, so I'm gonna share anyway. After two-or-so years of jumping through hoops, pulling strings and fighting with UNICEF and adoption drama, my friend Chavonne finally got to bring her babies home from Haiti--just two weeks before the earthquake hit! What a miracle. Awesome.

High: My roommates ROCK. Seriously, I live with some awesome girls. Brooke and Gina make me so happy! They're fun, funny, friendly and the best part? We like each other. We've had our occasional annoyances, but I'm SO grateful to live with people who are mature enough to talk it out. We're not just roommates. We're friends, and we care about each others' happiness. I love this. I love them!!

High: The Lord answers prayers. He really does! Now, I'm not surprised at all ... but I just LOVE that this happens. Tender mercy: There was a LOT I needed to hear. And I heard it when one of my all-time favorite people gave a talk in sacrament meeting. It meant so much more coming from her. Thanks, Ky.

Only Child

So, it's one o'clock in the morning. I'm probably going to regret this post in the morning, but right now, I'm feeling bold and thoughtful and I've lost my filter. I'm dealing with a lot right now. I've been needing to roll things over ... chat with a friend ... cry a lot. SOMETHING! But nothing's working. Probably because I can't go it alone. But somehow, that's my only option. Garbage from my past and present are swirling around me and I'm left trying to figure out how to cope. I think I've been dealt a sort of "coping handicap" if you will. I've always seen myself as slightly disadvantaged to the rest of the world. I'm an only child. Only children don't understand a lot of things. I'm missing connection, communication, convention. Isolated and confused, longing for someone-something to connect, to support ...

The following excerpts are pieces I've highlighted from a book called Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo. I bought this book at my favorite little book store in Jackson Hole. I underlined and annotated the whole thing as I read. I've never been able to put all of these thoughts and feelings into words. But these authors did. If I was more eloquent, this is what I would have said. While I'm filterless, I need to purge these thoughts from other people's perspectives to express my own, because for some reason, I can't get my own grasp on any of this. Here's my excuse:

...the bitter voice that can still pops in my head when I watch my friends or husband bantering easily with their siblings, the voice that wants to know, Why not me? I loathe that voice, drenched as it is with envy and self-pity. It cuts me off from people, roadblocks conversation and connection, and returns me, fittingly, to the very state of ancient loneliness I'm always trying to get away from.

...constant longing I remember plaguing me as a kid.

I was searching for some mysterious, lasting attachement--a substitute for the sibling bond I never had and the romantic relationship I had yet to have.

... attempts to turn their friends into family left them hurt, disappointed, and bereft.

How can you gauge the depth with which the people we love and live with leave their traces in you ... that's all we're searching for ... longing for human connection ...

It's an impossible task to know if you are the way you are because you are without siblings.

I have close friendships, but sometimes I'm too demanding. I give a lot to my friends, but I want a lot back. I want love from them and often I get only like.

Friends usually have siblings--or children, not to mention parents and/or husbands. All of those people understandably come first.

... some kind of something that he didn't quite know how to satisfy ...

I mind it very much. I want a witness--or better, two, three--to what I remember, a person or persons to whom I could turn and ask, "Remember that Christmas, the one when Mom ..."

No one to confirm or deny. No other perspective but my own.

I clung to my girlfriends. I was always crossing some unspoken line with them, too, entering into relationships that were too close, too intimate ... I ... held on tight. Too tight. I didn't have any way to measure the distance between us, no real sister at home to provide an accurate gauge of the precise increments between friend and family. As a result, there was an odd friction in the relationships, and unspoken tension about how close we should be. I wanted something permanent, forever. They had that with their siblings at home.

I was always on the lookout for extra siblings. Substitutions were all there were.

I was always poised on the edge of chairs, the corners of rooms, the smallest space, so no one would find me asking too much.

songs to get lost in

So, I've been in a funk. A huge one. I'm still there. I'm not going to post details on the internet, but I want to share this song ... just cuz it seems to fit. I love it. You should too.

"Top Of The World"

I wished I was smarter 
Wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way that my wife does

I wished it'd been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could've stood
Where you would've been proud
That won't happen now
That won't happen now

There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day
Without so much as a word
Somehow

I think I broke the wings
Off that little songbird
And she's never gonna fly 
To the top of the world Now
To the top of the world

I don't have to answer
Any of these questions
Don't have no god to
Teach me no lessons

I come home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up 
I stayed right there 
In my chair

There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day 
Without so much as a word
Somehow

I think I broke the wings
Off a little songbird 
And she's never gonna fly 
To the top of the world 
Now
To the top of the world

I wished I'd had known you
Wished I had shown you
All of the things I 
Was on the side
But I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you'd come in in the morning
To whisper goodbye
Go work in the rain
I don't know why
Don't know why

Cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing every day 
Without so much as a word
Somehow?

Gonna grab a hold
Of that little songbird 
And take her for a ride 
To the top of the world
Right now
To the top of the world