Alert: Emo Post

I'm wondering if I can even make sense of things to myself. Is it a girl thing to over-think, over-analyze and be driven by emotions?
I have been SUCH a girl lately.
I didn't realize I was so needy. I didn't realize I was so fragile and so off-kilter. I knew I was confused. I knew that I had a LOT going on in my head. I knew that good things have happened that remind me of other good things, but that's kind of put a shadow over my current life perspective. Do you ever look back and reminisce over mini-triumphs and life-changing experiences, only to recognize that the HERE and NOW is nothing to celebrate? Where did those moments of clarity go? Why have I lost that purpose and sense of direction?
These past few months have been CRAZY. The specifics are not all mine to share. There's SO much good to come of all of this, but I'm having a hard time finding application and a solid ground to build that good stuff on.
I've had some amazing people in my life. And I'm not just talking about fun friends to go to lunch with and laugh with. Although, those are SO valuable. But the ones that have made such an impact lately are those who have been vulnerable.
Vulnerability is such a crazy thing. I don't understand it, and yet I'm captive by it. I used to think it wasn't okay to be vulnerable with other people. I couldn't allow myself to show weakness. But, sometimes it's forced on us. Those have been the times of greatest connection and growth. Crying with friends can't necessarily be considered "fun", but it's one of my favorite past times. I've forged amazing relationships and have taught and learned so much through these moments of vulnerability.
What's amazing to me is to see how far people have come. When you know someone at their lowest, when they trust and let you in and ask for help when it seems they've got nowhere else to turn to, you get to REALLY know them. I am reeling at how these bonds are formed. I've prayed and prayed and I know the Lord guides us in our lives to the people we need the most. I know I've felt that guidance and have been on both sides of that situation. I've felt Him direct me in what to say and do for a friend in need. Do any of you know how great it feels to truly be a "ministering angel"? When you know that, by just being there, and by being willing to love and support, the Lord has used you to bless the life of someone else. It's amazing. A-MAZING. And what's even better? Three years down the road, there's NO sign of that fragile person you loved and cared for so long ago. She's still there--but she's unrecognizable. Who she has become through the whole refining process leaves me speechless and in tears. She deserves it and I'm so proud of her.
But I can't help but be a bit jealous. Where's my transition? I certainly wasn't strong and resilient through all these painful circumstances. I look at my own life and can't help but feel that I need to be better. I know I've come a long way. I started typing that I hadn't, but I remembered that I know better. I have learned SO much and have grown tremendously. But I'm still cycling.
Just recently, I've been learning the importance of trust. I'm not necessarily talking about the difference between telling lies and telling truth, but more along the lines of loving and allowing oneself to be loved. There are few people whom I've truly let into my life, into my weaknesses and dirty laundry. Who wants to share those things? Who even wants to go there? I realize now, that I do. SELECTIVELY.
I have received the answer time and time again that I need people and I need to stop pushing them away. I need to pull them in. I've had awesome experiences with people who have been heaven-sent. I need to learn better the art of "bearing one anthers' burdens." I LOVE to care for my friends. I love to offer help and be involved in their lives. I love when they trust and confide in me. I have NO problem opening my heart to weaknesses and sharing my love when a good friend needs it. I'm a complete disaster when it comes to doing it the other way around. I want that more than ANYTHING in the world. But how do you get there? How do you ask for it, or accept it willingly when it's there? I've found that I'm so insecure. I find myself small-talking about popcorn and camouflage when I really just need to talk about something real. I find myself craving validation and bursting into tears when a friend texts me JUST what I'd been needing to hear--and then I feel pathetic for needing it so badly.
How can good experiences and memories throw my world so off-kilter? Why am I so shaken up by life's greatest joys? Why can't I hold on to the good feelings and use them?