powerless awakening

So, I was thinking tonight about some of my earliest memories--trying to conjure up little Brooker and the joys and sorrows of her upbringing. As I took a mental inventory, I came across an un-healed memory that actually brought fresh tears to my eyes.

I was no more than three or four years old and attending Tot Lot Daycare in Idaho Falls. My dad was already working for Skywest Airlines and bringing home random treasures from the airport Lost and Found. He still does it. I got a used Nalgene bottle for Christmas this year. Thanks, Dad. One night, he brought home a soft, like-new Care Bear blanket. I can still feel the excitement as I snuggled it. I was such a lucky little girl! I loved it so much, I couldn't stand to leave it home the next day when I went to day care. I brought it and it was stowed under the stairs with everyone else's. I got to use it at nap time, and then it went back in the pile. Five o'clock rolled around and parents started showing up. I can still remember it happening. The mother of a baby boy, too young to talk, reached in and grabbed my Care Bear blanket to take home with her son. My heart leaped into my throat. I don't remember if I approached her myself, or if I summoned Grandma Joy, but either way, I stood alone as the mother insisted the blanket belonged to her son and walked out the door with it. Of course, Grandma Joy sided with her. She was the adult. I was powerless, and my own mother wasn't there to defend me. I'm pretty sure I didn't even throw a fit, I was so shocked and distraught at what had just happened. That was the end of my blanket. Mom came a bit later to bring me home, but I don't even remember if I told her what happened. I just remember how powerless I felt.

Life has been good to me. I've been SO blessed with amazing and wonderful people in my life. I love those friendships where two people can claim to be "glued at the hip." One of my favorite things was to be labeled "Brimball" because Kimball and I were always together--or that one Saturday morning when both Lisa and I slept in until noon because we kept looking at our phones, expecting the other person to call. It was just a given that we were going to be together that day.

Loneliness has not been a life-long curse, but it has been a reoccurring one. Two of my good friends are sisters, and while I ADORE their close, family relationship, it pains me to hear them talk about things knowing that whatever is planned, they'll be together for it. I've had too many days where nobody knows where I am, and nobody misses me. I've gone through too many days without any personal interaction. I've fought too many battles without anyone ever knowing about the fight.

I love my friends and I love the relationships I have. I love my family and the good times we have together. I have good people in my life and I feel love from them. But sometimes, I'm still four years old and somebody bigger than me has my blanket and nobody's got my back.

No one here is a machine

Friday night, I was the only one at the game table without my phone in hand. Jen Lee, Carl, Skyler and Kari were all texting away between rounds of Pit. I'd already checked my phone cuz I felt left out. It was thrown violently back onto the couch, "NOBODY loves me!" Yeah, I still throw temper tantrums.
I came back to the table to pout when my phone started going CRAZY with new messages!
Here's what I opened it up to:

Carl: "Hi, Brooker! ;)"
Skyler: "I'm going for oranges." (we WERE playing Pit, after all.)
Kari: "Have i ever told you how happy you make me?!? Loves! :)"

All three of them were sitting at the table, cracking up that they'd all sent messages at the same time without consorting with each other. Man, I love these guys! My friends are better than your friends.

I do stupid things and I like it

 Skyler and I climbed onto the ledge at Jeff's house to hide

at Jeanna's surprise birthday party.

The hot tub was making me light-headed, so Lisa suggested this.

Anytime is a good time for a snow angel.

Here I am plummeting off of a 40-foot cliff at Havasupai.

It was faster than the extra 2 mile hike around to the bottom.

I'm pretty sure I'll do anything on a dare.
I have a few disclaimers--if it requires skill, it's gotta be one that I HAVE. I don't wanna die trying something stupid.
It doesn't always have to be a dare, either. Once I get an idea in my head, I can't back down from it. This determination does NOT reach into any responsible areas of my life.

I'll do pretty much anything, as long as someone else does it first. Well, if SHE can do it, then I DEFINITELY can. My courage can not be outdone. My stupidity can't, either.
I blame Desirae for a lot of that. All growing up, I followed her all sorts of crazy places. She once told me that she'd go anywhere and try anything, as long as I was with her. Well, I'd go anywhere and try anything as long as I was with HER. Together, we had no limitations. I think we were expecting the other one to step up. It didn't happen. That's probably why we have so many stories to tell. I'm pretty sure this is how skinny dipping was introduced into my list of hobbies.

I have no self-respect. Momma's not proud, but I'll throw all dignity aside to win a cake-eating contest with Skyler. He's started to learn that I don't back down from stupid challenges. That's why I did THIS at Kari's birthday dinner the other night. Not a big deal. Just another stupid suggestion I couldn't say no to.

Lots of comfort zones were invaded when Des and I did study abroad in Mexico back in 2004. Here's a small review of some of that craziness:

Desirae and I danced down the streets of Play del Carmen, Mexico
like drunk girls on Spring Break with roses in our teeth.
Lots of short Mexican men were pretty excited about that.

Wrapping a real boa around my shoulder in Belize.

My hair LOVED the humidity.

Passing around a tarantula in Guatemala. I was pretty excited that

Des was nervous about this one. NOW who's the wuss?

We slept under mosquito nets.

A few days after this, we were so desensitized to the bugs that Des and I got in a cockroach fight. One fell on me, so I chucked it on her. That REALLY started something. :) That's another thing I learned from Des: Don't start something unless you're willing to finish it! (Again, that mantra does NOT extend to responsible areas of my life.)

2010 Revisited

It's been 2011 for a few weeks now. What's so different about each new year? I know numbers mean something, but transition always happens slowly--day-by-day. Nothing big or life-altering happened between December 31st, 2010 and January 1st, 2011 for me. Did it really for anyone? I loved the CES Broadcast by Elder Christoffersen a few weeks ago. He talked about making changes and tackling obstacles in our life. We need DAILY nourishment from our Heavenly Father. Transitions don't happen all at once. 2011 started very much like 2010 ended. Our lives are a compilation of daily experiences. That's kind of what 2010 was for me. Nothing huge changed. But there were a lot of daily bits of nourishment--sunshine and tender mercies. I have many reasons to smile. Here's a recap of what 2010 brought into My world.

January

The first thing I did when I woke up on the morning of

January 1st was make a snow angel in my jammies.

What a way to kick off the new year!

I've always loved going to Jackson,

but this year, Kylee introduced me to the

Jackson Moose Hockey games.

How have I missed these?

This is me with Kylee and Nicole.

Aaron and Mark were there, too.

Brookie, Gina and me (Brooker)

I had awesome roommates!

And sometimes we even accidentally dressed alike!

snowboarding at Targhee.

You'd think I'd be getting better at this.

Marshall's Tile volleyball team: back-Willie, Skyler, me, Kylee and Aaron. Front: Kelly and Taletha.
January started our second season of volleyball at the Apple.

This picture was taken after our first win!

There weren't many of them, but we sure like to play! We played three seasons in 2010 :)

We started an awesome tradition

of having Kylee over to my parents' house for Sunday dinner.

Somehow, Kylee got to be my mom's favorite daughter.

How do I always lose? Ky's such a brown-noser.

I learned that yoga for kids is kind of fun.

Here, Gina and I are being apple trees.

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• The beginning of family trials that continue, but have brought us all closer together and closer to the Spirit. 

February

me, Keri, Brookie and Skyler

On Skyler's birthday, we rented some x-country skis

and cruised around Harriman State Park.

We even brought candles and Hostess cupcakes. :)

My childhood best friend, Desirae (Sister Rowberry)

got home from her mission to Knoxville Tennessee!

Nicole and Mark got married!

Mom, me and Dad.
I received my endowments in the Idaho Falls LDS Temple.

Dad dumped snow on my head to congratulate me.


The Madsen family came all the way from Spokane to be there. :)
(They had other reasons for being in Idaho,
but I like to think they came just for me.)
Laurel(Mom Madsen), Mark(Dad Madsen), Kimball, me, Lacey and Michael.


My own family DID come from Utah just for me,
and I had a blast hanging out at my house with all of them.
These guys are mine forever. :)
Back: Uncle Keith, Cousin Dallin, Cousin Makay, Uncle Curtis
Middle: Cousin Kim, Aunt Vicki, Cousin Matthew, Dad Mark, Mom Brenda, Grandma Ruby.
Front: me and Grandpa Jay.

Desirae, Nicole, Kylee, me, Gina and Lisa

Some of my favorite girls who were there with me at the Temple.

March

Me, Des and Indie after Desirae's missing report.

We got to hang out with Indie, whom we both used to babysit! :)

Another Jackson Moose hockey game with Kylee.

This time, we stood at the glass the whole time

and called out to the players as they skated by.

When a fight broke out, Kylee got excited

and yelled, "This is why I come!!!" :)

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• We went through a huge system upgrade/overhaul at work and all of my responsibilities doubled. My pay, however, stayed the same. :)
• I saw the series pilot show of Lost and my late-nights were then dedicated to watching instead of sleeping.

April

Taggert, Makay, Hampton, Kim and I

on Easter at Grandma and Grandpa's in Utah.

I treasured a lot of fun family time this year.

Kim brought a great amount of joy and blessings to my life

in 2010 as we learned to talk each others' ears off!

It's great to have such a close relationship with someone I care so much about.

Brayland, Sarah and I. My Shmarah got married!

Lacey, Rachel, Kimball, Sarah and I dress shopping.

Kimball got engaged! We had a fun day shopping for wedding dresses.

This is NOT the dress. I tried all day to convince her

that I could be her bridesmaid in a strapless BRIGHT orange dress I found.

I'd just wear a t-shirt under it. I got rejected.

Cousin Steven shattered his ankle playing basketball

and came home early from his mission to Tuscon Arizona.

It was so fun to see him earlier than expected!

May

Me and the J-Crew. (Janae, Jeanna and Jen Lee.)

The weather warmed up just enough for us to take a walk around the Greenbelt!

Brimball (Brooke & Kimball) in a freezing cold creek.

We hiked along Palisades creek--as tradition.

It's my favorite hike EVER and so fun to share with favorite friends. :)

G.O. Speech Therapy Softball kicked off.

Brookie was the coach, Gina was the sponsor.

While I didn't play, I still got my own shirt.

"Brooker #34". I'm a superfan. Good game.

Skyler, me, Gina and Keri.

Gina turned 28 in the snow--not her favorite thing.

We still hiked around Mesa Falls, as per tradition.

Gina slipped into the water and Skyler gave her his dry sock--NOT a tradition.

Skyler took 1st place at Willie's Free 5k.

Cousins Danielle, Alex and Amanda.

BYU.

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• I bought my first item off of etsy.com. I am now addicted, but have a lot of cute stuff to show for it!

June

Skyler, Kylee, me and Brookie.

"It's a physical event!" For MY 28th birthday, we spooned!

We also went canoeing, played games, had a BBQ,

spent the night at my uncle's cabin in Palisades

and went hiking the next morning. Happy Birthday to ME!

Desirae, Keri, Bridget, Skyler, Brooke, me, Jill, Justin and David.

(This was only about half our group.)

2010 was my 2nd year backpacking to Havasupai Falls in the Grand Canyon. We hiked all over, played in waterfalls, jumped off cliffs, slept in hammocks and climbed around for 4 awesome days.

from top: Jen and Jenn, Brooke and Taletha,

 Keri, Gina, Janae, Jeanna and me on the stairs at Jeanna's cabin in Island Park.

Taletha, me, Gina, Janae, Jen, Brooke, Jeanna and Keri.

We had a girls' sleepover/game night/canoe trip/bike ride at Jeanna's cabin in Island Park.

I freaking LOVE my ladies!

July

Me and Trista (Ernie) at the 4th of July Parade

which is basically the only time we see each other anymore.

We grew up together and claimed each other as sisters

(our parents are best friends, and we were both only children, so it worked out well.)

Back row: Jeff, Brooke, Lisa, Gina, Kara, Nolan, Aaron

Front row: Wade, Skyler and Amy. G.O. Softball season ended.

These guys had an AWESOME season. I don't know the exact stats, but they were GOOD!

Gina, Keri, me, Brooke and Ashley
We hiked and played around in the Fall Creek waterfalls in Swan Valley

Jeff trying to hold on to everyone
while going over some rapids in Lava Hot Springs.
We went for a branch activity and floated the river.
 Most of us came home with injuries.
This perpetuated our summer's "branch injury report"
that President Krupp read from the podium on Sundays.

Ashley, me, Aaron and Desirae at the Playmill Theatre in West Yellowstone.
We saw The Foreigner and laughed 'til we cried.
Playmill has always been a summer tradition.
This year, I saw only one show out of three. I plan to do better in 2011.

Me and Amy on our hike to the Lower Palisades Lake.
We discovered that neither one of us are very good at staying on the trail
and we make great rock climbing/exploring buddies!

Road trip with Lauralynn to Portland for Desirae's wedding.
It was a FAST trip, but great to be able to spend time with an old friend. :)

Mark and Desirae's wedding in the Portland Temple.

Kyle, me, Kimball, Lacey and Michael.
Hanging out with my Madsen family in Spokane.

Me, Dave, Kimball, Rachel and Sarah

Dave and Kimball's wedding in the Spokane Temple!

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• Two road trips for two best friends' weddings in two weeks.
• Moved out of Brooke and Gina's house and into my parents' unfinished basement.

August

I did a few super-bike rides this summer and loved every minute of them, until I came to a hill.
This 45-miler took me from my Uncle's RV Park in Palisades,
through Swan Valley and along the back road to Fall Creek waterfalls.

Lisa and Craig got married in the Idaho Falls Temple!

Chris, Brooke, Keri, Kylee, Lisa, me, Megan, Ashley and Gina
Branch girls celebrating at Lisa's reception.

Kylee and I bought matching floatie toys and took them to Rigby Lake for a branch activity.
We had so much fun on them, we vowed to come back every week for the rest of the summer.
I've still only used mine that one time.

Shayla, me, Shannon and Kylee

Kylee and I were Visiting Teaching companions and got assigned to teach amazing Shannon!

She also just happens to be my old roommate (Shayla)'s sister-in-law.

This picture was taken after Shan's mission farewell.

Kylee and I drove to Montpelier Saturday night and

slept in the car in the church parking lot to surprise her. It worked!

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• Joined Kylee for my first ever Zumba class. Who knew something so out of character for me (dancing AND exercise) would become something I look forward to SO MUCH? 

September

Taggert, Hampton, Alex (switching tubes), Makay and Matthew.
Over Labor Day weekend, we went boating with my family at Utah Lake.
We had a 15-year-old battle of the sexes.
Alex took one for the girls and TOTALLY schooled Makay on creative tube riding. :)

Cousin couch smoosh.
Me, Steven, Amanda, Alex and Dallin
with Matthew and Makay creeping on the stairs behind us.

Another awesome, but lonely bike ride.
This time, a 30-miler out to Monkey Rock outside of Newdale.

Cousins Matt and Amanda came to visit at Palisades

with their kids Silvester and Zola.

They even stopped by my office for lunch on their way home to Utah.

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• All summer long and into the fall, I played Ultimate Frisbee every Tuesday night. I even gave up watching NCIS for awhile for it. I never was any good, but enjoyed the exercise and even had a few good plays to be happy about!

October

Rose, Elli, Mike, Tara, me and Jill
Impromptu hike in the cold to Goldbug Hot Springs.
Man, was it cold to get out of those springs and change for the hike back down in the dark!

Me, Alison and Kimball met up for Halloween at Lagoon.

Yay for getting old, favorite roommates back together!

And Brimball needed to put the steps to good use. :)

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• Finished the 6th and final season of Lost. Yes, 6 seasons in 8 months. I had to slow down my 4-episodes-a-night pace because I didn't want it to end!

November

Amy, me, Tami and Stetzen
I stepped out of my comfort zone and acted on a prompting to get to know my Zumba instructors.
Man, has it paid off! These women have brought SO MANY blessings to my little world!

I got to take a side-trip to visit Shmarah while I was in Utah for Thanksgiving.
She's super prego and SUPER cute! I love my little roly poly Shmarah.

Me, Alex, Amanda, Sydney and Whittney

Some trendy girl cousins at Thanksgiving. Alex and I sorta dressed alike.

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• I bought skinny jeans (something I said I'd NEVER do) and I love them.
• This was our first year not doing the craft booth at the Bonneville High School craft show. Mom's retired. Sweet FREEDOM!

December

Amy, Tami and I--SO awesome that they invited me to join in!

I waxed domestic! Really, I just obeyed orders,

but I was happy to be included in sister chocolate day!

Quote of the day: "Try these, they're really good!

Unless you don't like cherries. Or chocolate. Or CHRISTMAS!!"--Tami

Kari and me--what a fun new friendship we've found!

I acted on ANOTHER urge to get to know this girl!!

The Lord blesses me with AWESOME people!

AND, today's her birthday! Happy Birthday, my dear!

Steven, me and Matthew touring Temple Square at Christmas.

Another cousin smoosh! I love this family of mine!

Cousins Taggert, Hampton and Kim brought SUCH joy to my 2010!

back: Jami, Kari and Jen middle: Brooke, Gina, Keri and Alison
front: Lisa, Beth, Janae and me.
My last moments of 2010 were spent with these lovely ladies. What a way to end it!

Not pictured events worth mentioning:

• Finished book #7 of the Harry Potter series again. I re-read the whole series and didn't want to get to the end. I know that nothing I read next will measure up.
  

Here's to 2011! Let it be better than the first few weeks have been. As of now, we're slowly improving. Keep up the momentum and good things will happen!