Whimsy

This post was inspired by this post by my cousin Amanda who has voiced a plea for all things "whimsy."

I love this. Life is too heavy. I've been having similar thoughts and feelings and "coping methods" lately. I wish we were closer. You're right. Sharing things with friends (cousins) is much better.

My whimsy this week has come from end-of-team-huddle cheers in volleyball like "butt cheek" "marshmallow" "bunny rabbit" and a synchronized "weoimewoiavehao" when what we really wanted to say was, "make the other team mad!"

My whimsy has come from impressing myself with a tuck-and-roll-backwards somersault during ultimate frisbee. I was always so envious of people who could do that. What I didn't realize was that it's not a skill. It's the only possible action when you hit the ground with extreme force and momentum propeled by your desire to get out from under the big guy who's inevitably coming down on top of you.

Whimsy comes from realizing you're one of three girls in your entire volleyball league who still serves underhand, but claims to be a competitive volleyball player. And knowing that it's okay, because I love the game and you gotta do what it takes to get the ball over the net.

My whimsy came from sharing a 12-pack of tacos at my friends' softball game instead of going to Zumba.

My whimsy came from hiking in Palisades and maneuvering and scaling around trees and rocks to climb my usual spot, even though the whole area was being taken over by the overgrown creek.

My whimsy came from the "Kira Willey" station on Pandora where they play songs like, "There ain't no lobsters on me!"

My whimsy came from coining a new verb "turtleize." And then figuring out how to respond when Kylee says, "Prepare to be turtleized!"

My whimsy came from freezing in a parking lot with Kari because the best part of institute comes AFTER the class is over.

Like Amanda so eloquently stated: "If you’re not sure what [whimsy] is, it is anything that makes you happy and you aren’t entirely sure why. It is a bit of beauty in the middle of chaos – putting flowers on the crazy, cluttered, messy table. It is silliness when everything around you is serious. It is cupcakes for lunch and unplanned hikes and blowing dandelions on your own lawn. It is anything that is both absolutely unnecessary and urgently imperative at the same time. It is painting your nails to go to the garden and a night off when you need to work."

It's what makes this frustrating, overwhelming, crazy life worth living.

overdosed on grapes

It takes time to be witty. Who has time for wit?
Sometimes, when I'm distracted at work, I think about blogging and what I might write about. But instead, I end up eating grapes and chatting with Kristin about Geminis and nameless guys on motorcycles. Those also deserve attention.
It's all cloudy and rainy outside. Know what that means? Softball could very well be canceled tonight, but Brooke and Gina are in New York, so there's no one to pass that information on.
Tonight's our last volleyball game of the season before tournament starts next week. It's been an AWESOME season! Last year's women's league was rough. (Girls can be fickle, no matter what their age!) And I was really hesitant to do it all over again. But I'm so glad I did. These girls are so much fun to play with. We've even won a few games! And we have wicked awesome team t-shirts. Why haven't I been bringing my camera to games? I really hope to remember it tonight. Oh, and we're going to win tonight. Yessiree, we are!
This weekend was my birthday. I was actually trying to pretend it wasn't happening. (my whole life, I've been convincing myself that the world DOES revolve around me on that day, and most years, I've felt special enough to believe myself!) This year, I knew that wasn't happening. My parents were out of town. Brooke, Gina, Jamie, Kylee, Keri, Jeanna, Willie were out of town. Many friends and family LIVE out of town. I was abandoned. Does this sound like the world revolved around me that day? I sure didn't think so.
But guess what? My birthday DID happen. And it really was a lot of fun. Zumba with good friends, a lonely 28 mile bike ride complete with sunburn and sore bum. Then, a bunch of in-town friends and I piled into vehicles to head to West Yellowstone to Playmill. I love that place. I love that I know people there. I love that after all these years, it still kinda feels like home.
It was a great place to be on the day that wasn't mine--but kind of ended up being mine, anyway.

How to report a tragedy ...

Police Identify Shooter, Women Killed In Ammon - Local News Story - KIFI Idaho Falls *

Seriously, I've tried 27 times to figure out what to say and how to share what's been going on in our neighborhood the past few days. I feel like I have no right to say anything at all. All I know is what I've read and seen on the news. How sad is it that this happened on my own street, inside my bubble, and yet, I've got no more of a personal connection to it than any of you?

They lived across the street and three houses down. I'm super anxious and conflicted about the whole situation, and yet, I have no right to have any feelings at all about this. I didn't know them. I honestly, didn't even notice there was a house there. What right have I to be upset? What right have I to have had a frenzy-filled temper tantrum kind of day on Friday because I didn't know how to cope with this? What right have I to even need a way to cope?

Other than the opinion that this isn't supposed to happen in my world. This is the reason I stopped watching CSI. I don't want to hear about stuff like this. It just shouldn't happen! This isn't entertainment. This is tragedy in its truest form. But I can't change the TV channel on this one. It went down in my own front yard. I'm not requesting to be sheltered. I just hate that stuff like this happens--anywhere. I'm in a freaking frenzy because I don't understand what to make of this happening.

UN-REAL, Ammon, Idaho.

*I keep trying, but I just can't link the Post Register stories in my blog post. Apparently the online version is for subscribers only and there's NO way around that, even for the girl who does their layouts. So, you get the sub-par, Local News 8's version. But, if you haven't yet, I'd suggest you look at the PR coverage in today's paper

Snow boots in the Springtime

Today's branch temple day. It's a stark contrast to last week's temple day. Last week came in the form of regret and anxiety and a bit of self-loathing.
This week's comes with optimism, hope, impatience, disorientation, stale gum and hot feet. (who decided to wear leather boots on a warm spring day?)
I still don't have a car. Today's Wednesday work loud went rather smoothly. That means I'm here at work, having finished my day's tasks, biding time until Kari picks me up to bring me to the temple. I asked her on Sunday for a ride, not remembering that Bethany actually works downstairs. She's temple-ing today, too and could easily bring me there with her. Oh well. It'll be a fun excuse for a brief one-on-one with Kari.
One-on-one is my favorite way to be. Big groups of fun friends are great and all, but I love the INDIVIDUAL-ness. I'm already going to miss the parking lot carpool/ one-on-one time. That's what we all are. No one of us is a group. Flashing through my mind now are references to "ministering to the one" along with "my name is Legion; for we are many."
I'm trying my darnedest not to be desperate, but I fail. The definition of desperate is checking my email every 2 minutes. It's been three days--no response. Hold on. Lemme check again. Nope. Still nothing. Dang you, iPhone for making this desperation too convenient. How is it that I've built two separate relationships with the same person: One via email and phone; the other, face-to-face? I'm still waiting for that email to clarify what could have been discussed in person. Twice.
I'm grateful for priesthood blessings and dads who give them. I'm grateful for scriptures that read differently when you're needing that kind of direction. I'm grateful for headphones and BYU devotionals while I enter advertising tickets at work. I'm grateful for guidance and direction.
I'm craving application.
I'm also thinking fondly of these guys.

The anti-birth control. After screaming-ball-throwing-kid-at-volleyball, I've needed a perspective adjustment. I guess all kids aren't horrible. Maybe I could get me some, after all. But if they act anything like me, I'm leaving them with Grandma.

Icing on the cake

I feel like I've gone overboard in this blogging world, lately. But, it seems that there's so much going on, and at the same time, so little. We all know I'd come up with PLENTY to say, but it's not usually stuff y'all would want to read about. And a whole lot of it is stuff I'd rather not post. So, I haven't. But I'm gonna.
Truthfully, I've gone overboard in a LOT of areas lately. This week has just piled icing and sprinkles onto the cake. Why in the world would anyone ever use cake and "icing on the cake" as an example for loads of stuff gone wrong? Maybe the phrase wasn't intended to be used in the negative spectrum.
The "cake" is something HUGE in my world that continues to rise up and torture me time and time again. I'm not gonna tell you about it. But the icing? Well, the icing AND the sprinkles have threatened to take me down this week. Let's just say that the "cake" already had a really good start and only needed a little help.

• I'm OVERWHELMED at work. Things are just crazy. I feel bombarded on all sides, every department needing something from me and it all happens at the same time. I'm really good at multitasking, which is a MUST, and I'm even okay with redundancy (because, no matter how hard I work one day to get everything done, I will almost ALWAYS end up re-doing something the next day.) But I'm fine with all of that. In fact, I'm really good at it! Now, one department wants to add a process that dumps a LOAD of extra work in my lap (they seem to think it's a super easy process. It's not.) I'm trying to tell them the best way to make it all happen--since it's all on my plate, and they seem to think I'm asking too much. Really? I'm even okay taking that on, because I'm the hub that brings so many of our newspaper processes together. What I'm NOT okay with?--My intense level of responsibility is NOT reflected in my pay. So many people depend on me. I can't take a day off. I can't even take a potty break on some days. I'm drowning and I'm getting paid in peanuts! So, I finally spoke up this week. Know what I got? A freaking iPhone. I feel like a sell-out. I don't even know how to use the stupid thing. I can't take that to the bank. And, I actually just got a new phone about a month ago. It was simple. I liked it. On this iPhone, I can't even get my Mufasa ringtone as my text message tone. It's deleted my contacts list twice now. My picture of Baby Rigdon is gone. I'm not impressed. And again--can't take that to the bank!
• There's kind of a BIG reason I need something to take to the bank right now. My Captain is on his death bed. Last week, we put in a significant chunk of change on new tires and a new steering ... something. Then, I drove him to Utah and back. Apparently he didn't like that. We're now looking at a new engine. The plan was to put him on a trailer and drag him down to Uncle Bob's shop in Provo. (Yes, we were JUST there.) Dad's Durango was going to drag him back. The Durango fell sick on Friday. This was the same day dad lost his wallet with cash and gift cards that can't be replaced. We're down to 2 cars in a 3-person family and we all get to play musical cars all week. I may be hitch hiking.
• While in Utah, I found out a dear friend of mine has been STRUGGLING and I can't do anything about it.
• I played like CRAP at volleyball Monday night. The team we should have beat CREAMED us. 
• The phone case I bought for my iPhone was actually made for an iPod. It doesn't fit. 
• My boss wants me to give her my old phone. But it's still got all my contacts. And it's my alarm clock. My iPhone doesn't have one--at least that I can find. I need to keep this. It's MINE!
• I've been breaking out like CRAZY. Zits everywhere. Thank you, skin, for putting my insecurities out there for the world to see. I'm pretty sure paper bags are against my work dress code.
• Shin splints.
• The strap on my new grown-up purse broke. I was just starting to like that thing.
• I may have had a bit of a breakdown on Wednesday. (What constitutes a full-fledged breakdown?)
• I had an AMAZING friend on the other end of the phone who was so willing to talk to me. But I wouldn't/couldn't. I'm a pro at beating around the bush. We talked about "flour" and "eggs" and "sugar", but I just couldn't bring myself to bring out the whole "cake". I really need a good purge, but I shut down. I want to talk about cake. But, so many people don't like cake. If only I had donuts instead.

This guy has great insight:

Everyone is tested. One might think it is unfair to be singled out and subjected to a particular temptation, but this is the purpose of mortal life—to be tested. And the answer is the same for everyone: we must, and we can, resist temptations of any kind.

Witless

Why are little things so hard to do? I think, for me, it's because I see them as "little things." That makes them unimportant. But it's the whole bunches of little things that make all the difference! There is so much that I need to work on ... that I WANT to work on. I want to see big improvements! But I forget that these simple, little things are what make all the difference. I don't need to be overwhelmed by huge, life-altering steps. I need to realize that I have full control over my life. And these small and simple things are going to make all the difference!

I remember today that I really dislike collared, button-up shirts. I know I dressed myself, so I take full responsibility. I even bought this shirt--paid for it with my own hard-earned money. Just know that it's going into the "get rid of" pile as soon as I get home. It's too formal. It doesn't have enough "Brooker" personality. It doesn't stay in position and there are awkward gaps in the buttons. I know that sounds like a fat joke, but it's more than that! I just don't like this style of shirt.

I've officially forsaken socks for the season. It wasn't a conscious decision. It just happens every year! My feet get cold, but there's no reason for socks if I can walk on dry ground. Besides, most of my socks have snowmen and snowflakes on them. I really don't want to curse away spring by wearing them. I can't find my "summer socks." Yes, I have them. I have too many of everything. My 450 pairs of flip flops are calling me, but I still think it's too early for that. I DO live in Idaho.

Taxes kick my trash. I've never liked them. I don't even fully grasp the concept. It's all so complicated! But this year was the worst. This year, for the first time EVER, I've had to PAY! How did I get somewhat significant (for me) refunds through college, but now I've come to this? I certainly am not making much more!

Volleyball's off to a much better start. After our first game, I was TERRIFIED. We got creamed! And I realized I was in way over my head. I thought I had no business playing in this league. See, I'm not great at the sport. I LOVE it, but my skills are definitely lacking. My team, however is AWESOME! And they're good sports and let me play with them. They even encourage me and are excited with me when I play well. The first game was against a really really good team. I was afraid that it was going to set the standard for a super rough season. But then? The next week we WON! (I'm not going to give credit to the fact that the other team only had 4 players. That couldn't have been it. We played really well!) And then last night ... we didn't exactly win. But, our loss was by fewer than 5 points both games! I feel good about it. I feel really good about it! I don't feel great about this shoulder problem I seem to be having, but I'm excited for a better-than-expected season of volleyball.

I'm having a lot of fun with this 30 Day Song Challenge I'm doing on facebook. It asks you to post a different song every day (from YouTube). It's fun to think of a song from my personal library that fits the criteria. I'm going to miss it when it's over. I might just have to start over, because I have several more to share!

Thus ends the lamest blog post ever. Have I mentioned that I'm exhausted? I think cleverness requires more than I can muster right now.
I'll get back to you when I've found my wit.

Medicine for the Body and Soul--Tornadoes and Truth.

I've been "sick" for about five weeks now. I don't get sick! but I got a cold back in February and it never seems to go away completely. We may have linked it to the construction that's going on in the basement. Every time dad pulls out the pink foam insulation, my symptoms flare up all over again. As of now, we're done insulating. My voice is back and I can almost count on being able to breathe through my nose at all times. It feels good!
Know what else feels good? Wearing myself OUT. I'm finally well enough to do stuff again! So of course, I do my best to over-do it. :) Friday morning I went to Zumba for an hour. I then plugged away at work until 7pm, ran home to change and then straight to volleyball for 2.5 hours. Saturday morning, I slept through Zumba, enjoyed the morning session of conference (which I will get to) and then hit the road on my bike. I should have thought this through a bit better. It was breezy outside, but I'd been CRAVING a good bike ride, and it really wasn't that bad. What was supposed to be just a casual ride around the outskirts of town got me all the way to the Ririe Cemetery. That tail wind was very encouraging! The problem with tail winds is that, once you've turned around, they become head-winds. I made it about a quarter of a mile before my bike STOPPED. I was still peddling, but there was dust in my eyes and the wind wasn't allowing me to move anywhere! Biking in the wind is a HORRIBLE idea. I was stuck. I swear it wasn't that windy when I left home. I hid behind a headstone, pondering what to do. I had the afternoon session of conference playing on my headphones and thought maybe I'd just wait out the wind storm (aka tornado). I texted my friend Holly, who lives in Ririe, just to see if she was headed back into Idaho Falls that day and if I could hitch a ride. Her husband and sons are avid bike-riders, so she could totally relate to my ... uh ... predicament. (stupidity?) But, Holly was still in I.F. from Zumba that morning. Dang. I did NOT want to have her make extra trips because I'm an idiot on a bike. I texted my home teacher, but he was sleeping. When Holly heard what was going on, she insisted that she could be there in 20 minutes to give me a ride home. I'm glad she was forceful about it. I felt horrible, but honestly, I didn't have anyone else to call. My dad's always on call to help pull me out (I get myself into these situations too often) but he was in Utah. Holly saved me. It's awesome to have such good people looking out for me.
When I got home, I was craving Zumba--even though I was exhausted--and did a few songs on my own, just to see how tired I could make myself. And then, I did something totally out of character. I CLEANED. I did laundry, scrubbed my bathroom floor and cleaned my bedroom. For those of you who've lived with me, you know this is kind of a big deal. I'm not a huge slob, but I RARELY break down and scrub stuff! I'll be honest: I hated it. But, I like that things are clean. I'm also glad it's over with. I opted to skip the vacuum this time. Last time, it coughed up dirt onto my floor, and the time before that, it just smelled like burning. My floor can stay dirty. I have a horrible track record.This girl was pretty tired, and I'd definitely earned my shower by the end of the day! (especially since I'd skipped it Friday night ... Ssshh.) It feels great to REALLY earn it. :)

Now, for even BETTER medicine: I've felt so emotionally and spiritually drained these last few weeks. I've kind of shut down. I'm overwhelmed at the prospect of trying to fix anything in my life, that I just haven't bothered thinking about it. Awesome technique, I know. Since I've remained frustrated, we can tell that it hasn't really worked. My commitment to good things has suffered and my relationship with my Heavenly Father has dwindled. I know better and I know that ultimately, My Savior is the only true source for healing. I know that. But so often, I feel like I'm just so screwed up, that I don't have the energy or commitment to do anything about it. Like I'm going to just miraculously be bestowed that strength before I make any effort of my own? Yeah, right. But still. I've been a punk and I'm drowning in it.
But, guess what happened this weekend? General Conference. :) I've been so overwhelmed with life and with my own insecurities, that I couldn't quite pinpoint what answers I wanted to receive from the conference addresses. I know the #1 thing I'm missing in my life is ACTION. I technically know what's right. My faith is still fully intact. I just haven't quite known what to DO about it, how to apply the Atonement in my life and how to move forward and beyond these weaknesses that drag me down. I prayed that I would know of specific actions to take to get myself out of this slump. I've struggled with motivation because I've lacked direction. Things like "service" have been such vague concepts for me. What should I do? For whom? I try, but I end up bringing store-bought cookies to the same people over and over again. Where's the purpose and growth there? I need greater direction in so many aspects. I'm tired of chasing my tail and not getting anywhere.
Today and yesterday, I think I found the motivation I've needed to press forward. Nothing's going to get any better without my effort. I want to find happiness and purpose in my life. I want to be a tool in the Lord's hands. I want to see beyond my current situation and look forward with a "perfect brightness of hope." I want to be worthy of the blessings the Lord has in store for me. I have a renewed quest to get there. I even have a few things in mind--directions the Lord has inspired me to take. The Lord expects more out of me than what I've been giving. I'm going to try my darnedest to do better in these SPECIFIC areas and I know the Lord will share His love with me and open up more doors down the road. I've got to start somewhere and it's about dang time I get going. Wish me luck. :)
If you missed conference this year, I suggest you go HERE and catch up. The Lord speaks to us today. He guides and directs us in these latter days through His servants, the prophets. They are the Lord's mouthpiece and we can come to know our Father in Heaven and achieve His purposes and plans for us, only by heeding to His counsel through the mouths of His anointed servants. I'm so grateful that I have access to such truths that bring meaning, purpose and direction into my life.