I love: finding a new song that I enjoy so much, I have to have it on repeat until I know the whole thing word for word. Here 's the latest one. I've almost got it down. I gotta go push play again.
I love: Grandma's homemade chili. Somehow, I REALLY miss it this year. I also miss eating saltine crackers with butter. That's only an acceptable combination when eating with Grandma.
I love: My family's love for BYU football.
I dislove: the inability of two computer programs to work in harmony with each other.
I dislove: my lack of eloquence when new friends make me nervous. I try to say words and all of my vocabulary goes out the window.
I love: Disneyland.
I love: that my inner-speaking voice has a bit of a stutter.
I love: Lagoon during Frightmares. There's no better way to celebrate Halloween.
I dislove: my desk drawer at work full of animal crackers, apple sauce, Trix cereal and peanut butter when I'm starving and all I want is ... Grandma's chili.
I love: little boys with long, curly hair. Someday, I need to get me one of these. And nobody better come near him with a pair of scissors.
I love: homemade suckers. Like, the kind Judy Infanger used to give me after piano lessons. I think they were all shaped like music notes.
I love: cheese that bites back on those tomato-something Triscuits. And I love Gina for giving me some.
I love: bridges. Especially the swingy kind on hikes that go over creeks or bodies of water. One of my all-time favorite bridges is at the Haunted Mill. When I worked there, I'd stall on my way to my post, just to hang out on the bridge and look down at the rushing irrigation ditch.
I dislove: breaking out. Aren't I too old for this? The worst is having to take care of a monster zit AND a gray hair on the same day. C'mon! I should be able to finish one phase before I move on to the next!
I love: spiders. Not in the "I want to play with them and have them as pets" sort of way. I just kind of love that my mom and Kylee are TERRIFIED of them, and they don't bother me.
I love: the movie Hocus Pocus. Especially the part where Mary Sanderson's broom gets stolen and she has to ride a vacuum. Hilarious! And there's always Bette Midler calling, "SISTERS!!!?"
I love: sisters.
I dislove: having to build the branch bulletin and getting the photocopies done EVERY WEEK. I'm never on time. I never have all the info I need, and I can never make it into the church building to make 70 photo copies.
I love: the show 30 Rock. And Scrubs. And Friends. And Lost. And NCIS. And The Mentalist. And I love that I hardly ever get to watch TV, so when I DO find my way to one of these shows, it's quite the treat.
I love: being Brimball. It's so fun having a crazy friend who's JUST like me! It's been awhile since Kimball and I have spent much time together. It's medicinal, and it's going to happen tomorrow at Lagoon! Add an Alison to the mix, and we're sure to have a blast--with some bruises to show for it!
Sometimes I write for certain readers, and then I find out that those particular readers aren't even reading. I can only send out so many, "Hey! You should read my blog!" emails before I start seeming vain or desperate. So ... I lapse. What's the purpose in writing if nobody reads?
And then i realize I miss it. I miss documenting. I still think of great blog ideas while in the shower. (I need a waterproof internet connection--sans camera.) I stop thinking about audience-specific blog entries and think of things I want to tell myself.
So... to the world--there's not much I have to say.
But,
Dear me,
Today I want to tell you that sometimes it's okay stop and take a breath. When things don't work out, it just means that there's something better down the road.
The best friends aren't always the ones who will go on road trips or climb mountains or ride roller coasters. (While those friends ROCK!!) I don't necessarily need those adventures to build good relationships. Sometimes, all it takes to make my day (and my friendships) is to dance like a dinosaur or wake up in the middle of a volleyball game or even buddy-carry a Zumba platform into a dark locker room. My life has been full of adventures. They don't always need to be big ones, I can basque in the beauty of the small ones.
FOCUS. It's hard, but SO worth it. Walking around in a daze gets me nowhere. But so often, my mind just shuts down. I don't need constant stimulus. I need to be able to make time for important things and focus enough to accomplish them. Namely, I need to put more effort into figuring out my life. Scripture study can definitely stand for more improvement. All of this requires greater focus.
Necessities: wellness doctor's appointment, order new contacts, pay for truck repairs, figure out Christmas gift ideas, work ahead on the branch bulletin and get to church early enough to set it out. Make a two-hour block EVERY week for the temple--why do ward activities always try to interfere with the ONLY time I come up with? think of practical lunch ideas that I can bring to work so I don't starve.
Non-necessities: ordering new bicycle stuff on etsy, ordering ANYTHING on etsy. I really don't have many non-essentials. I find my 2 hours of TV a week is fairly reasonable. I don't have to go to ALL the volleyball nights, but what else would I be doing during that extra hour?
Joining Zumba, starting up a volleyball team, going to Ultimate Frisbee and growing to love hiking and biking are some of the BEST things I've ever done. Keep on being active. It feels GREAT!
Don't lapse into frustration or desperation with relationships. Friends will be friends on their own terms. Be okay with that and be okay with myself and you'll all find ways to enrich each others' lives.
Gold fingernails were a bad idea.
Lay off the candy corn.
And take that blue and tan shirt that you spilled frozen yogurt on to the dry cleaner.
Don't spill frozen yogurt.
Whenever one of us would say something TOTALLY random, Lindsay would always respond, "Niner"! I still do it. Nobody gets it, but it came from Lindsay, and it will never die. This is a very "Niner" kind of post. "Train gone" for those of you who know sign language. :D
My dislike of onions overrides my dislike of food on my hands. I actually stuck my left pinky finger into a forkful of leftover chicken pesto pasta stuff from Red Robin to dig out the dirty purple onion before I ate it. Apparently, that's a sacrifice I was willing to make.
Why does Collins find it necessary to make random cat-fight noises throughout the day?
I miss this girl.
I mean, I REALLY miss her. She is hands-down and BY FAR, the BEST listener in the entire world. We worked side-by-side for 4.5 months in the BYU-Idaho Registration office and I've never had more fun chatting with someone than I had with Cammie. We shared basically everything and always had random things to share. Since I stopped working there, I have yet to fill the void she left. Nobody talks to me anymore! Cammie and I just need to find another way to be in each others' lives more often. I'm pretty sure we were meant to be BFF. Since she's not around, I basically have no one to talk to anymore.
I've never seen Tami without her hat on. I'm convinced she's hiding a bald spot. Either that, or if she takes it off, her head might fall off.
Joelle's coming!
For those of you who don't know her, she was my literature professor/study abroad director/salsa critic/game night hostess/volleyball teammate/roommate/employer/slave driver/everything critic/hot date every-other-Saturday. Can our relationship be defined? Weird, I know. But she's SO MUCH FUN! And I haven't seen her in nearly two years! She's flying in from Washington on Friday for a shin-dig in Rexburg. She's given me the privilege of picking her up at the airport and bringing her to Rexburg. I think that gives us about an hour of Brooke-Joelle time. I can't wait!
I already blogged about how I was DREADING the weekend. It actually didn't turn out as bad as I thought. It was WEIRD ... but it wasn't all bad. What's weird is I did NORMAL PERSON things. That's just not me.
Zumba was cancelled this weekend because Tami and Amy are away at Zumba training, learning how to further KILL me. So, I woke up and went for a RUN. Yes, that's right. Fat Kid ran! (Sorry Kimball, to make you choke on your peanut butter sammich. Somebody give her the hind-lick!) And by "running" I mean that I jogged a bit and then I walked it off. Then I jogged a bit more and I REALLY had to walk that off. I tried the method of "jog to that tree and then you can walk" and it worked! I made it WAY past the tree before I remembered that I got to walk again. It was fun! And the weather was WONDERFUL! But it was weird to have that done in an hour. (Since, the past SEVERAL Saturdays have been spent on 4-7 hour bike rides or hikes or other adventures.) I at least got my "work out" in.
I've been living in the basement but showering upstairs for a few months now. We finally had a plumber come through and fix the downstairs bathroom about a month ago, but that didn't solve the whole problem. I've been DREADING the scrub-down that would need to take place before I'd set bare-feetsies inside the tub. So, after my workout, I went home and scrubbed the bathroom. I also vacuumed my room until the basement started smelling like vacuum smoke. I wasn't about to change and get pretty while I had all this work to do, so I stayed in the clothes I ran in and drove to Bed Bath and Beyond and then Target to find a shower shelfy-thing. Who knew how many people go to those stores on a Saturday and who DON'T look like sweaty-puffy-pale-death? I probably should have a little more pride. I also bought a bag of Twix which is basically ALL I ate on Saturday until dinner. Random question: Why am I not losing weight through all this hiking, biking, running, volleyball, Zumba, frisbee stuff? Just wondering.
Anyway, I moved bathrooms, FINALLY showered, made myself a sammich and ate (something other than Twix and Christmas marshmallows) for the first time at 6:00 and then went through Fall/Winter clothes while watching 3 hours of an NCIS marathon. I was PRODUCTIVE! It was good to get stuff done. But it was all weird. I also did laundry. I'd rather be playing.
But, in my productivity, I DID get to do another one of my favorite things--find new outfits to wear. Those of you who know me AT ALL (and I would assume that's ALL of you, because if you don't know me, what the H*** are you doing reading my blog?) know that I have WAY too many clothes. I actually realize that myself until I see something new and cute in the store that I HAVE to have and I think, "Yes, I have a lot, but I don't have THAT!" and the collection expands. So, this weekend, I got to dig out the fall/winter wardrobe and stand in front of the mirror while trying on clothes I haven't worn in several months, deciding if they're worth hanging back in the closet. It's like I created a whole new wardrobe again! It's a little overwhelming, though. I don't have enough closet space for all this crap, let alone enough days in the year to wear it all. And what's up with having volleyball & zumba every day of my life? Some people in my world ONLY see me in basketball shorts and t-shirts anyway? What's the point in having cute clothes if the only people who see me in them are my coworkers who don't notice me anyway because, since Cammie doesn't work next to me anymore, I've lost the ability to speak?
Also, I'm pretty sure Baby Mama has become my new favorite move. Go ahead and judge me. It's got some dirty parts. But the funny stuff TOTALLY outweighs the dirty stuff. Watch this and tell me you're not laughing.
--And then I probably made it come. Maybe there's something in anticipation that makes things work out exactly the way you expected. I expected this weekend to kick my trash. We're off to a good start.
I should have followed my impulse, dyed my hair blonde and climbed in the trunk of a car headed to Boise to be a fake Zumba sister. I'd fit in better if I were blonde. Oh, and if I was wearing bright pink pants. If I'd done that, I would had 1) somewhere to go and 2) people to hang out with--therefore, deeming this weekend a success. Those two elements are still painfully and obviously missing. I showed up for work this morning and remembered that Karla had the day off. She couldn't have covered for me if I'd jumped in the trunk. Today, I'm not sure that I really care.
Everyone's gone or planning to be gone, or planning to be busy or productive or just "together" with some togetherness that's void of this Brooke. I missed something.
I didn't get to work until 10, started at a slow pace, and still got the necessary stuff done by noon. I SO could have made something of this weekend--if I had any options. Instead, I'm here. And when I'm HERE, like THIS, I tend to be impulsive. I don't think things through. My opinions come spurting out. I had to force a filter today after I'd already said too much. My boss begged me to explain. I ignored her. It was better than spouting off what I was thinking. Good thing the filter kicked in when it did. *
It's days like today when my self-control fails me. But, I think I'm growing up. Several years ago, on a day like today, I skipped class and drove to Seattle with nothing but my dad's Chevron card and 2 changes of clothes. I emailed in "absent" to work and missed several days of class. Today, I couldn't do it all. I don't know where I'd stay in Seattle. Karla's not here to cover for me, and I probably wouldn't want to be back by Monday, but I'd need to be for work. The branch could go one week without a bulletin, but I'm not sure that I want to be the one to impose that. Why does being responsible make me so depressed?
People are what make the world a good place. Why is there such a shortage of people in my life lately? I've tried to stay busy and it's been working! I've made my own happiness through good things and I know that I'm being blessed for my efforts. These are all GOOD things. But where are the people I need in my life DAILY? Why is it such a fight to find company to spend time with, find adventures with, or just to BE with? I'm SO done living at home. I'm done flying solo. My sidekicks have all found new sidekicks and I don't have siblings and nieces and nephews to lose myself with. I live for one and this one is a bit tired of it. Freedom's only good MOST of the time. Some of the time, it really, really sucks.
Maybe I'll go get a pedicure by myself. Or a massage ... by myself. Or buy matching earrings ... for myself ... to match ... me.
I kinda can't wait for Monday. At least Monday is Bongo Day.
*dislaimer: I wasn't really filtering anything that would have landed me in unemployment. Sometimes, it's just safer to keep one's opinions to oneself. See? I CAN stop the mouth sometimes!
Once a week, Mondays come around.
And sometimes, on those Mondays, you're robbed of your beloved Zumba night; you lose two volleyball games; your hinges refuse to recover from Saturday's hike; your shoe tries to eat your toe; you run out of Count Chocula cereal; your weekend outlook looks VERY grim; dad doesn't answer the phone when you call; and it rains.
Then something like this happens.
And you remember how everything is right in the world.
Last week, Gina and I met up for a BRIEF session of cardigan-shopping-retail-therapy. We hit Kohls (success!) and Target (where I convinced Gina to buy a coat that I REALLY loved, so I wouldn't feel obligated to buy it. As long as someone I love gets to look cute in it, I'm happy.)
We ran into these sleeper pajamas as we were already rushing out the door so I could make the 7:00 session at the temple. There was no time to do this discovery justice.
We reconvened on Monday at 5:30 p.m.--with our cameras.
Now, neither one of us is a very "hefty" girl, but we can never be described as "small of stature." That was the FIRST trial. Another was Gina's desire to not be seen even carrying the sleeper in the store. We had to load our arms with other merchandise to bring to the fitting room (which is how I ended up purchasing a blue tshirt and Gina ended up with a FLAMING pink sports bra--one that I already own.)
As we were imposing our judgment on some other interesting styles on the clothes racks, Gina gave a very convincing dry-heave in reaction to "Jeggings"--the jean-legging. Go to Target. See for yourself. Just DON'T buy them! Her dry heave concerned me that she was going to project into my hair. I may have overreacted by flailing my arms and tweaked my shoulder. The ensuing conversation went something like this, me: "OW! I just broke myself trying to keep you from puking in my hair!" Gina: "I was REALLY going to vomit. It was just for effect, you know." me: "That REALLY hurt my shoulder!" Gina: "Ugh! But would you LOOK at these pants? I mean, who would wear them?" me: "BROKEN!!!" Gina: "Look, the tag even says, 'Jeggings' like Jean-leggings" me: "Hey! I just hurt myself! Can we focus on THAT for a minute???" Gina: "How's that drama-queen thing going for you? Alright, then?" I am reminded of SO many reasons why I love this Gina and why I miss her so much as my roommate. Man, we have fun together! We DID have a drama-queen roommate competition while I lived there. I often won. But it was all in fun, I promise I'm not a terror! Am I? Gina?
Anyway, we finally got back to try on our fuzzy sleeper jammies. I think we switched fitting rooms at least 3 times before even closing and locking the door. There were rooms occupied and rooms too exposed and rooms not close enough together or too far away from the three-way mirror--all important factors to consider when embarking in an adventure such as ours.
Gina started giggling right away. She had a head start because I'd done one additional fitting room swap after one was vacated. I felt left out. And it was hard to giggle and whisper AND still be discrete. I'm SURE we succeeded. We were only across the aisle and diagonal from each other. Nobody could tell that something was going on! Especially when we both opened our doors for the grand reveal and realized there was a lady standing in the three-way. Both our doors SLAMMED shut again. Gina squatted on the floor to take a picture of my feet under the door.
We tried to get a few side-to-side pictures, but there was SO much giggling going on (and a whole lot of sweating in that fleece) that it was hard to get clear pictures without the flash. And of course, when we were huddled together in front of the 3-way, lady-trying-on-high-heels-in-the-fitting-room decided to emerge.
You try DIVING into a fitting room wearing too-short, stretched-in-awkward-places footy p.j.'s! I dove into Gina's dressing room and hid my face in the corner until I could stop laughing.
The whole event was just FUN!
Check out our feet!
Traction. AND love.
I am reminded of SO many reasons why I love this Gina and why I miss her so much as my roommate. Man, we rock! Question of the day: Me--"Do we ever have to grow up?" Gina--"Obviously not!!"
I'm anxiously awaiting Gina's post on this adventure. When it comes, it'll come here.
I have retarded knees. I was born with them. I blame my ill-jointed parents and this annoying thing called heredity, that only seems to pass on the undesired traits. Who ended up with mom's athleticism or dad's work ethic? NOT ME. But, I got their knees and hips.
Desirae (my best friend growing up) has had multiple sports-related knee injuries and surgeries. It was from her experiences that I began to understand compensation when it comes to the human body. Desirae's right knee was weakened by tears to various important parts, so her left knee had to step it up a bit and ended up being the bigger pain. A few years ago, I tore my left meniscus while running down a mountain trail. (I never saw a doctor, but I SWEAR, my meniscus is torn.) So ... on all of our backpacking trips, my left knee gets the brace. I cry a bit and whine a lot, and turn my backpack over to Jeff, and I survive. Just over a week ago, while playing ultimate frisbee, I came down from a crazy jump-with-no-purpose-because-i-didn't-even-touch-the-dang-frisbee and tweaked my right knee. Now it's got the brace. Last night at Zumba, it buckled during "Mony Mony" which is the killer arm workout. Why my knee decided to get involved, I'll never know. But somehow, it's been compensating for my right one all these years.
Who wants to follow my train of thought? Jump on board. I don't really know where all the connections are.
I've been thinking a LOT about the principle of compensation mentioned in Elder Wirthlin's talk "Come What May and Love It." "The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
I think about this because I still struggle to get over the "loss" I feel at being an only child. I thought the loneliness and isolation was bad growing up, but it seems to get worse with time. Friends all around me are so close with their families. They plan sister-weekends, or attend each others' children's football games and birthday parties. Phone chats--craft projects--talking comfortably without a filter or need to impress--Now that I'm an adult, I crave that family time more than ever. It's just something I'll never have. BUT--I've also seen some compensation for that. I spent some time on my knees last night, in tears of gratitude for some new friends who have come into my life just at the right time. I have Kimball's family and Desirae's family who claim me as one of their own. And eventually, I know that Heavenly Father will bless me with the relationships I have been craving, (even if I have to wait until the next life) if I remain faithful.
I also think of my cousin, Kim. She has been the closest thing to a sister that I've ever had and has been a huge part of "compensation" the Lord has given me in my life. Kim and I aren't even technically related (she's my mom's ex-step-cousin.) We're 14 years apart in age and it's just been a crazy series of events that have brought us close. If anyone deserves "compensation" she does. I can't wait for the day when Kim finally gets the rewards she SO deserves. She's SO faithful in the Gospel, tries her best to do what's right and has done it largely on her own. She's been dealt a rough hand, and things don't seem to be settling down for her, but she's AMAZING and can be solely accredited for raising two of the most AMAZING, well-behaved, kind and loving kids on the planet. I take GREAT comfort in knowing that the Lord is aware of our situations, of our innermost desires and the great pain we feel at our losses.
This recent conference had a lot of penetrating and comforting messages from our prophets that bring hope and peace through hard times.
Kimball recently posted this on her facebook page:
Kimball's take:
Elder Packer’s Conference Talk, OCT ‘10
There has been a lot of controversy over Elder Packer’s talk over the past couple of days. In his talk he points out pornography and alludes to Gay Marriage/relationships as evil. Many people mention he says that Heavenly Father, being a loving Father, would never make anyone have homosexual feelings inborn into them. I did not notice this while listening to conference and have been wondering what all the “hoo-ha” is about so I decided to listen to his talk for my study today and gain my own take on it. President Packer specifically says, “Some suppose they were pre-said and cannot overcome what they feel are inborn tendencies toward the impure and unnatural. Not so. Why would our Heavenly Father do that to anyone? Remember, He is our Father. Paul promised, ‘God will not suffer you to be tempted above that which ye are able, but will with the temptation also make a way to escape that ye may be able to bear it.’ You can if you will, break the habits and conquer the addiction and come away from that which is not worthy of a member of the church.” From what I understand and the example he gives to back up his comment, he is NOT saying that God does not let people have inborn feelings and problems, what he IS saying is that God will not leave His children without a way to overcome temptations against God’s laws! God DOES have a law against immoral/unnatural relationships. Everyone has temptations and challenges, some come from birth, but He will NEVER make it so we cannot overcome those problems that are against His laws. Someone used handicaps as an example of how people are born with problems (as a similarity to being born with homosexual feeling). Some may rebuke me saying that handicaps usually aren’t overcome in life... but that is different than being born with certain feelings. There is nothing in a handicap that goes against God’s laws; therefore, he has not put them into a position where they cannot overcome sin. Those who may be born with homosexual feelings DO have a way out of those feelings, which ARE against God’s laws, through the infinite and eternal atonement of Jesus Christ. I full heartedly support Elder Packer’s message based on how I understand it.
My response:
I LOVE this! Our prophets are direct mouthpieces of the Lord. How then, can we "debate" the validity of statements coming from the Ultimate Source of Truth? The wicked take the truth to be hard. But it doesn't have to be so. For those who struggle to hear this--who struggle to think that their inner desires and passions and "who they are" is condemned by the Lord, it should be a comfort and source of hope to know that the Lord has promised us a way to remain righteous and to overcome our weaknesses. I love the line said by President Packer "you can if you will." I have a testimony of that concept in my own life. When we don't feel capable of following the Lord's commandments, He will bless us with the capability IF we truly desire it. It may seem "unfair" that those who experience these weaknesses are denied natural affections and are told that how they feel is wrong, but we can all take comfort in the Principle of Compensation as stated by Elder Wirthlin, "understand the principle of compensation. The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way. While it may not come at the time we desire, the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude."
I love: little boys with long, curly hair. Someday, I need to get me one of these. And nobody better come near him with a pair of scissors.
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