I knew this was coming ...

--And then I probably made it come. Maybe there's something in anticipation that makes things work out exactly the way you expected. I expected this weekend to kick my trash. We're off to a good start.

I should have followed my impulse, dyed my hair blonde and climbed in the trunk of a car headed to Boise to be a fake Zumba sister. I'd fit in better if I were blonde. Oh, and if I was wearing bright pink pants. If I'd done that, I would had 1) somewhere to go and 2) people to hang out with--therefore, deeming this weekend a success. Those two elements are still painfully and obviously missing. I showed up for work this morning and remembered that Karla had the day off. She couldn't have covered for me if I'd jumped in the trunk. Today, I'm not sure that I really care.

Everyone's gone or planning to be gone, or planning to be busy or productive or just "together" with some togetherness that's void of this Brooke. I missed something.

I didn't get to work until 10, started at a slow pace, and still got the necessary stuff done by noon. I SO could have made something of this weekend--if I had any options. Instead, I'm here. And when I'm HERE, like THIS, I tend to be impulsive. I don't think things through. My opinions come spurting out. I had to force a filter today after I'd already said too much. My boss begged me to explain. I ignored her. It was better than spouting off what I was thinking. Good thing the filter kicked in when it did. *

It's days like today when my self-control fails me. But, I think I'm growing up. Several years ago, on a day like today, I skipped class and drove to Seattle with nothing but my dad's Chevron card and 2 changes of clothes. I emailed in "absent" to work and missed several days of class. Today, I couldn't do it all. I don't know where I'd stay in Seattle. Karla's not here to cover for me, and I probably wouldn't want to be back by Monday, but I'd need to be for work. The branch could go one week without a bulletin, but I'm not sure that I want to be the one to impose that. Why does being responsible make me so depressed?

People are what make the world a good place. Why is there such a shortage of people in my life lately? I've tried to stay busy and it's been working! I've made my own happiness through good things and I know that I'm being blessed for my efforts. These are all GOOD things. But where are the people I need in my life DAILY? Why is it such a fight to find company to spend time with, find adventures with, or just to BE with? I'm SO done living at home. I'm done flying solo. My sidekicks have all found new sidekicks and I don't have siblings and nieces and nephews to lose myself with. I live for one and this one is a bit tired of it. Freedom's only good MOST of the time. Some of the time, it really, really sucks.

Maybe I'll go get a pedicure by myself. Or a massage ... by myself. Or buy matching earrings ... for myself ... to match ... me.

I kinda can't wait for Monday. At least Monday is Bongo Day.

*dislaimer: I wasn't really filtering anything that would have landed me in unemployment. Sometimes, it's just safer to keep one's opinions to oneself. See? I CAN stop the mouth sometimes!