Thrown for a loop

Literally.

My hair is curly ... in its own way. Lately, I've succumbed to straightening it most every morning. It rarely obeys me, but the straightening seems to work out fairly well. Except, I'm not patient or thorough in most anything in my life--including my hair.

This last Sunday, I was running my fingers through my hair halfway through Sunday School and found something I'd missed.

Of course, I wasn't going to start on the "getting ready" process for the 2nd time in one day, so this stayed with me through church, visiting teaching, a fireside and a communication council meeting all day long on Sunday.

Fun, huh?

My hair defies gravity and most laws of physics.

Train gone ...

So, I really need to post more often. Especially when the last post was as freakin' whiney as it was. That doesn't need to stay at the top of the list for that long. Rant over. Move on, right? Nope. It takes time to follow up and push that post farther down the scrolly list. So, here I am typing the whiney post DOWN DOWN DOWN that scrolly list.

You're welcome.

Like I really have any organization to type out here ...

I feel like I should be posting something about the Olympics. EVERYONE is posting about the Olympics, and they're often quite clever and witty. Can I just link you to some blogs and claim affiliation? Like this one? or this one? No? Fine. Here's what I have to say, then.

1) I keep myself WAY too busy to watch much of ANYTHING. I make time for NCIS. I have my priorities.

2) I've seen a grand total of 30 minutes of the Olympics. BUT, I have STELLAR timing. In my blog surfing, I've seen posts about particularly interesting goings-on. Guess what? I saw that! And I saw that, too! 

So, Shaun White, I can attest to his stellar flippy tricks. Holy crap, who does that? I'm not going to be trying that anytime soon. At least, not on purpose.

Koreans take-down. Those speed skaters don't look like they're moving AT ALL. The glide is effortless. They're just floating along on a cloud of cotton ... until in a frenzy for the finish, positions 2,3 and 4 slide together in a Korean heap of spandex into the padded wall. SUCK a duck! You can't even blame some other dirty country for tripping you up. These guys went out together.

And what's with the girly-man-feathered-wanna-be-Russian-claiming-to-be-American-Marilyn-Manson-look-alike-with-every-bad-haircut-at-the-same-time-on skates? Yeah. What's his name. He's graceful. That's what he is. It's crazy skill, I tell you. Disturbing style and crazy skill. I liked the other guy. Evan something? I didn't see him skate, though. I just really liked his face.

Enough about the Olympics. Mostly because that's all I've seen, so I have nothing more to say. Oh, except that Willie taught me what that shadowy gray line means that chases the speed skaters around (or usually leads them along). That's the record line! So those two skaters BEAT the record! Technically terms, I know. But you learn something new ... sometimes.

Today at work I pulled up my roommate, Gina's blog. She had interesting things to say about the Olympics that took me at least 45 minutes to read. Work kept interrupting. But guess what ALSO happened during those 45 minutes? Some obnoxious song about rocks and trees took over the world. Gina, I WILL get you back for that song.

Desirae is HOME!!! It probably should be more of a highlight in this post, but remember the RANDOM? Today in particular, really. Oh yeah, but DESIRAE is home! For those of you who have NO IDEA what I'm talking about, Desirae Rowberry was my best friend while growing up in cute little Cloverdale. She's been on her mission in Knoxville, Tennessee. She just got home Monday. I got to hang out at the airport with her and her family and THEN go to their house for dinner! It's been fun having Des around. We went x-country skiing with friends on Saturday and she's covering for our broken Skyler at our volleyball games tonight.

I also want to talk briefly about why I like games. Some of you who have played games with me may wonder this because I ALWAYS LOSE! But it doesn't matter! I like them anyway! I've grown up playing games with my family. My favorite part? Sitting at the table at Grandma's house, throwing elbows in cousin Sydney's face, stealing Aunt Vicki's chocolate, calling Uncle Curtis a "fart" and laughing. Lots and lots of laughing. I'm not in it for the game. It's all about camaraderie. Yes. Big word. I just LOVE laughing with people I love! So, when we had game nights at Joelle's house, my favorite parts were messing up the orientation of Sarah's cards, and trying to give Joelle 5 card handicaps when she wasn't looking. They'd laugh because I could never focus, and things were just FUN! Saturday night we had a game night. Kylee HATES games. She's competitive and doesn't like to lose. There you go. I'm not competitive and I like to LAUGH! So, Saturday worked for me because --oh boy-- did we laugh! Things that came of this week's game night: Does anyone know what the phrase "Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant!" means? Everyone at the table is perplexed. Also, a lion/fighter bee combination isn't as hard to illustrate as you'd think. Aaron's question of the night: "So ... he pollinates?" And Kylee learned not to call out the word "RAGE!" whenever she missed a card. Poor Paige kept responding.

It's going to be a good week. I have lots to smile about. Hence, the random, scattered, missed-the-train post. I had to compensate for the whiney crap of last week ... but I have limited concentration skills, and limited time. Big things are happening this week and I couldn't be more happy about it! Ta Da!!

in another life

Do you ever think of people all the time, wanting the best for them, wanting to be with them, wanting to listen to them and love and support them ... only to find out they don't really think of you AT ALL?

Ever have one of those days, weekends, months where your perception of everything is skewed? Life isn't necessarily sucky ... it's just that your perception is.

Ever freak out and give yourself a panic attack, just to give yourself a wake-up call? Stir things up? SCREAM for some sort of stimulation? or attention?

Ever call for help and get ... apathy?

Ever expect too much from people? You try not to ... it's not fair to anyone. Yet ... it'd be nice if they'd step up ... follow through ... listen ... care ... ask questions ... be involved ... It's not fair to expect too much. Is it fair to expect anything?

I can't recall the last time i felt brave, i just recall insecurities--Owl City

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love--Charlie Brown

I wish I could cross my arms and cross your mind.--Owl City

Love is inclusive - it allows as many people as you wish into your circle of love--Megan's blog

"Love is never wasted. It may not be reciprocated, it may not be fully appreciated, but it is never wasted."--Elder Maxwell

What's good for me

I've decided that Reese's peanut butter cups are good for me. ESPECIALLY during a certain time of the month. My roommate Gina is a genius. Period.

I don't really think celery is good for me. Mostly because it's gross.

I KNOW meatloaf isn't good for me.

I don't think sitting cross-legged is good for me because my foot always falls asleep and then I tip over when I try to stand up.

Fasting on Fast Sunday is good for me, even if it's only for the laughter that comes when Janae, Nicole and I are harmonizing with our growling stomachs.*

Bearing my testimony is SCARY. But, it's really good for me. Even though, (or "especially because"--I haven't decided which) Elder Kim B. Clark from BYU-I and President Dwight Whitaker from the Ammon Stake were on the stand behind me. Those men hold special places in my heart and having them in my branch today was a tender mercy. Tender mercies are DEFINITELY good for me.

X-country skiing is GOOD for me! My muscles like being this sore, even though they're wondering how my neck got involved. And my heart is so happy at the massive amounts of fun I had with good friends. It's also good for the soul to make the squirrels laugh at you.** Birthday cupcakes in the snow are good for EVERYONE, even if you can't get the candle to stay lit.***

Bridal showers aren't always good for you. Actually, most of the time, I hate them. BUT, there are exceptions. Like, when the bride-to-be is super embarrassed by specific presents and the branch president's wife needs an anatomy lesson to figure out the gifts in question. Those are the BEST! I bought Nicole some brown boots to wear to church on Sunday. That's an appropriate bridal shower gift, right?

Sitting on the couch with Kimball is good for me. Even though (or "especially because") we're always intertwined to the point where we don't know which legs belong to whom. Laughter and drooling is also good for me. Those two usually come hand-in-hand.

Know what else is good for me this week? Telling good friends exciting news and getting their responses back. I have good people in my world. The BEST people, actually. I told my Grandma this and she believed me. That is really good for me.

*I know fasting on Fast Sunday is good for so many other reasons. I promise, I know this.

**Squirrels really do laugh. I promise. If you were a squirrel, you'd laugh too. Just watch.

***It wasn't my birthday. It was Skyler's. So you should probably wish him a happy one.

The reason squirrels laugh at us.

from Keri: We wanted to see if you could run from one tree to the next in several feet of snow...without skis... This is Skyler's demonstration.

Let's catch up!

Lisa--don't you dare JUST look at the pictures and then have no idea what I'm talking about. READ! :D

So, it's been awhile since I've blogged, and it's been even longer since I've given anything akin to a real update. So, here's to some highs and lows of 2010! (I've done a few lows already, so let's hope this post stays up high!)

High: Nicole and I successfully made an apron for Kylee for Christmas. It was HARD, seeing as neither of us have any sewing talent at all. This just goes to show how much we love Kylee and how determined we were to make this work! We were finally able to give it to Kylee at our fun friend Christmas party at the beginning of January. Guess what?? She LIKED it! There may or may not have been a tear or two involved. I'm pretty sure Kylee likes zebra stripes.

Low: Work has come up with mandatory furlough days instead of doing wage cuts. This means that I have to take 5 unpaid days off in a 4 month period. I've procrastinated, so I have to take one each pay check until March. This means, I'm short 8 hours pay. Since I'm barely making any money anyway, this means I'm even MORE broke than ever! The result? I know what hungry feels like. Last week, I think I had maybe 4 legitimate meals all week. It was a PARTY when I was finally able to donate plasma and take it all to WinCo! (oh ... that last part should be considered a HIGH)

High: Even though I'm broke, I've been snowboarding 4 times this year! (so the first time was on Dec. 31st, but I say it counts.) I've been 3 times to Kelly Canyon and once to Targhee. Now, you may be thinking that I'm an idiot for spending grocery money on snowboarding and now you're not going to feel sorry for me for being broke and hungry, but wait for this next HIGH: I've only spent a grand total of $35 on snowboarding all 4 times! It pays to have friends with 1/2 price tickets and other friends on Ski Patrol who ROCK!! So ... I know people.

High: this one time while we were night skiing/boarding at Kelly Canyon, the power went out and all the lights shut off on the mountain. It was freaking AWESOME! Then a backup light came on on the shack. They made us all sit down until the lights came back on. COOL!

High: Remember that time I blogged about snowboarding and said that Tara has the same pot coat as me? This could have been a bad thing. But really, I LOVE Tara. So ... we're pot coat buddies. This is a definite highlight.

Low: I didn't hang my poppy picture in studs on the wall. It keeps falling and the nails are slipping. I really need to fix that.

High: I got domestic for Christmas. I sewed stuff! In addition to Kylee's apron, I put peoples' names on towels and initials on washcloths. They turned out SUPER cute and I LOVE them! (some of you may remember the last time I did this. I think they've improved.) I also made a log. But, we're going to pretend that never happened.

Low: We had a cross-country skiing trip planned for yesterday, but Harriman Park apparently had white-out conditions, so it got cancelled. High: We had people over for potluck lunch instead. High: Ryan and Gina made the exact same YUMMY soup. What are the chances? Low: I got SO stir-crazy from sitting around all day chatting and I didn't get out to play or work or anything. My ADD can't handle it. High: I got to spend a fun day with friends. High: I've finally watched the first two Lord of the Rings movies and before the week is over, I'll have seen all three. I like them! And it's about dang time I take the chance to gain this appreciation! Low: I'm NOT a movie buff and have minimal patience for them. My patience wore thin after two nights of Lord of the Rings in a row with a LOT of movie discussion in between. Media overdose. Seriously.

Low: I've lost my will to read. I was an English Literature major in college and LOVED every minute of it! I loved the intensity behind the Kite Runner and even the thoughts behind the controversy of Beloved. I loved breaking down themes and finding symbolism. LOVED it. I've loved reading since before I even knew how to. But now, I have NO desire to read. None. I'm SO BURNT out! The other day, I picked up a book at Fred Meyer that looked like something I would have loved a few years ago. I read the back of it and walked away, fighting tears! I don't need the anxiety of other people's sob stories! I don't need to go looking for drama! I think I'm too overwhelmed with my own that I just can't get wrapped up in fictionalized problems! I love my scriptures and my churchy books ... and I love my Harry Potter down time (which happens maybe 2 hours a week while I'm donating plasma.) But I can't seem to muster up the desire to get into anything else!

High: I've talked to Kimball more lately than I have in a LONG time. Funny that. We're both so crazy busy, it's not like we have much time to talk, but these few conversations have been EXACTLY what I needed! I just need to love and laugh. Kimball's GOOD at that! I enjoy being Kimball's handicap. Kimball: Sorry I made you lose your game!

High: I found some old pajama pants that are size XXL. My dad thinks I'm a moose cuz he bought them for me. Whatever. They're COMFORTABLE! But they still don't roll over when I do.

High: Kimball and I have decided that polygamy is the way to go. I need a sister, a BFF AND a husband. Brimball goes well together and everyone knows we'd have FUN! AND, Elliot's already offered to be the husband in all of this. We're set.

High: We went to JACKSON! 'nuff said.

High: Kylee comes to my parents' house for Sunday dinners and movie nights and we have FUN! Kylee and mom get along WAY too well and there are lots of laughs in the kitchen. Only a few burned tortilla shells had to suffer from it, so we're still coming out on top.

Low: My hips and knees hurt pretty much ALL the time now. Always. Why do I get these stupid arthritic genes that make me an old woman LOOONNG before time time?

High: I have a kids' yoga CD that I LOVE! It helps me stretch out my hinges while pretending to be bears, owls, apple trees, whatever. It's SUPER FUN! Know what's even funner?? (yes, English nerds. I said "funner"!) When I'm doing post-snowboarding, pre-volleyball hinge-stretching and my roommate Gina joins in! "I am, I am, I am an apple tree! And I'm tall! So tall!" Sorry for your face, Gina. :)

High: I put together the most AWESOME snowboarding soundtrack that's pretty much become the soundtrack of my life! My roommates introduced me to www.legalsounds.com. Go there. It ROCKS! You can download songs for $.09 each! I find one random song I like, and I buy the whole album. So, my playlist is FUN because I still don't know all the songs on it and I love it when I come across new, fun music!

High: We just started up season 2 of volleyball at the Apple. Last season, our team was sponsored by the Post Register. We had fun! But ... We never won a game. This season, we lost two girls, gained two new ones and traded sponsors. The Marshall's Tile team just won our first game last week! We're off to an AWESOME start!

High: I LOVE vanilla ice cream with bananas and carmel. Just sayin'.

High: This isn't MY high, but it's still pretty freakin' awesome, so I'm gonna share anyway. After two-or-so years of jumping through hoops, pulling strings and fighting with UNICEF and adoption drama, my friend Chavonne finally got to bring her babies home from Haiti--just two weeks before the earthquake hit! What a miracle. Awesome.

High: My roommates ROCK. Seriously, I live with some awesome girls. Brooke and Gina make me so happy! They're fun, funny, friendly and the best part? We like each other. We've had our occasional annoyances, but I'm SO grateful to live with people who are mature enough to talk it out. We're not just roommates. We're friends, and we care about each others' happiness. I love this. I love them!!

High: The Lord answers prayers. He really does! Now, I'm not surprised at all ... but I just LOVE that this happens. Tender mercy: There was a LOT I needed to hear. And I heard it when one of my all-time favorite people gave a talk in sacrament meeting. It meant so much more coming from her. Thanks, Ky.

Only Child

So, it's one o'clock in the morning. I'm probably going to regret this post in the morning, but right now, I'm feeling bold and thoughtful and I've lost my filter. I'm dealing with a lot right now. I've been needing to roll things over ... chat with a friend ... cry a lot. SOMETHING! But nothing's working. Probably because I can't go it alone. But somehow, that's my only option. Garbage from my past and present are swirling around me and I'm left trying to figure out how to cope. I think I've been dealt a sort of "coping handicap" if you will. I've always seen myself as slightly disadvantaged to the rest of the world. I'm an only child. Only children don't understand a lot of things. I'm missing connection, communication, convention. Isolated and confused, longing for someone-something to connect, to support ...

The following excerpts are pieces I've highlighted from a book called Only Child: Writers on the Singular Joys and Solitary Sorrows of Growing Up Solo. I bought this book at my favorite little book store in Jackson Hole. I underlined and annotated the whole thing as I read. I've never been able to put all of these thoughts and feelings into words. But these authors did. If I was more eloquent, this is what I would have said. While I'm filterless, I need to purge these thoughts from other people's perspectives to express my own, because for some reason, I can't get my own grasp on any of this. Here's my excuse:

...the bitter voice that can still pops in my head when I watch my friends or husband bantering easily with their siblings, the voice that wants to know, Why not me? I loathe that voice, drenched as it is with envy and self-pity. It cuts me off from people, roadblocks conversation and connection, and returns me, fittingly, to the very state of ancient loneliness I'm always trying to get away from.

...constant longing I remember plaguing me as a kid.

I was searching for some mysterious, lasting attachement--a substitute for the sibling bond I never had and the romantic relationship I had yet to have.

... attempts to turn their friends into family left them hurt, disappointed, and bereft.

How can you gauge the depth with which the people we love and live with leave their traces in you ... that's all we're searching for ... longing for human connection ...

It's an impossible task to know if you are the way you are because you are without siblings.

I have close friendships, but sometimes I'm too demanding. I give a lot to my friends, but I want a lot back. I want love from them and often I get only like.

Friends usually have siblings--or children, not to mention parents and/or husbands. All of those people understandably come first.

... some kind of something that he didn't quite know how to satisfy ...

I mind it very much. I want a witness--or better, two, three--to what I remember, a person or persons to whom I could turn and ask, "Remember that Christmas, the one when Mom ..."

No one to confirm or deny. No other perspective but my own.

I clung to my girlfriends. I was always crossing some unspoken line with them, too, entering into relationships that were too close, too intimate ... I ... held on tight. Too tight. I didn't have any way to measure the distance between us, no real sister at home to provide an accurate gauge of the precise increments between friend and family. As a result, there was an odd friction in the relationships, and unspoken tension about how close we should be. I wanted something permanent, forever. They had that with their siblings at home.

I was always on the lookout for extra siblings. Substitutions were all there were.

I was always poised on the edge of chairs, the corners of rooms, the smallest space, so no one would find me asking too much.

songs to get lost in

So, I've been in a funk. A huge one. I'm still there. I'm not going to post details on the internet, but I want to share this song ... just cuz it seems to fit. I love it. You should too.

"Top Of The World"

I wished I was smarter 
Wished I was stronger
I wished I loved Jesus
The way that my wife does

I wished it'd been easier
Instead of any longer
I wished I could've stood
Where you would've been proud
That won't happen now
That won't happen now

There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day
Without so much as a word
Somehow

I think I broke the wings
Off that little songbird
And she's never gonna fly 
To the top of the world Now
To the top of the world

I don't have to answer
Any of these questions
Don't have no god to
Teach me no lessons

I come home in the evening
Sit in my chair
One night they called me for supper
But I never got up 
I stayed right there 
In my chair

There's a whole lot of singing
That's never gonna be heard
Disappearing every day 
Without so much as a word
Somehow

I think I broke the wings
Off a little songbird 
And she's never gonna fly 
To the top of the world 
Now
To the top of the world

I wished I'd had known you
Wished I had shown you
All of the things I 
Was on the side
But I'd pretend to be sleeping
When you'd come in in the morning
To whisper goodbye
Go work in the rain
I don't know why
Don't know why

Cause everyone's singing
We just wanna be heard
Disappearing every day 
Without so much as a word
Somehow?

Gonna grab a hold
Of that little songbird 
And take her for a ride 
To the top of the world
Right now
To the top of the world