Revelations of 5/21/08

I have gained such a strong testimony of looking outside myself. Living at Greenbrier, I tried to hide away during the last few months ... but in this type of community, you can only remove yourself so much! I still had so many people whom I loved and so many activities and socialities to be involved in!
Since I've moved to Salt Lake, I've been miserable. I've hid in my cubicle at work, not knowing how to fit in, and not knowing where to go when I get off work. I didn't know what I'd be missing by leaving Greenbrier! At GB, we're a family and sociality is forced upon you! You can't help but to be a part of things! In Salt Lake, I've found that I could just disappear in the throngs of people, or even worse, go all day, surrounded by people, but not be noticed! I didn't like the way I was feeling, but I didnt' know what to do about it. Then I realized what was missing. Service. I hadn't taken an opportunity to look outside myself and see where I could be needed. I haven't been able to attend a ward yet, I'm not a visiting teacher, I don't have a calling, and I've missed that! I prayed to my Heavenly Father that I would find a way to serve. That some organization would fall into my lap, or that I would see where I am needed. Nothing HUGE and amazing has happened, except that I was able to take my cousin's kids for a day to give her a break and spend some time with them, and I was able to spend some time with a lady at work and make a new friend.
But this only further confirms one of my favorite teachings of the Church. We are all in this together. We are meant to lift and teach and learn and grow together.
I know the Church is true. I know without a doubt that Jesus is my Savior. I know that President Monson is a true prophet and that what he and our other leaders teach us is straight from our Heavenly Father. I know all these things. They've never been in question! But ... what am I going to do about it? That's what's been lacking. I know the truth, but the Gospel isn't just something to "know" ... it's something to "do." And until I can go out and LIVE the Gospel ... serve, teach, grow and reach out to others, I'm not going to find true happiness. We're all in this together!

My Favorite Things

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens ...

Mmkay. Maybe not.

But I was sitting at the kitchen table after work today, eating peanut butter and reading my scriptures when I accidentally dropped a glob of peanut butter on my scriptures! That made me remember a fireside that Kimball and I went to in Seattle where the speaker said, "Scriptures are yummy!"

I can't think of a better combination than scriptures and peanut butter! These are 2 things that have proven to make me feel better NO MATTER WHAT! They truly are my favorite things!

I had a few fun favorite things on Saturday that seem to have changed my attitude.

As you can probably tell by reading, I haven't been too excited about this new Utah life lately! And I realized a few key things that were missing. I'm not involved in ANYTHING and I haven't found opportunities to serve!

I had a coworker reach out to me on Friday morning. Her name's Kim and she actually offered to have me come live with her and her family! I'm okay on my living situation, but I didnt' want to turn her down flat, so I tried to come up with a way I could reciprocate her huge gesture and at least be friends!

My cousin, Heather has been "hinting" to me since I moved down here that I would be a close and convenient babysitter! I've always loved her kids and have been close to their family, so I decided that it was time that I step out of my "woe is me" hole and SERVE! So I emailed Heather and told her I was taking her boys (Shae's 10, Hunter & Gavyn are 4) on Saturday. I knew Kim's boys are close in age, so I asked her if she wanted to play with us. I ended up taking Heather's boys to Kim's son's baseball game for the first few hours. Then we split up and I took my boys for pizza, and then to our cousin Silvester's first birthday party. I dropped them back off at their mom's house at 3:00 and they didn't want to go home! We had a fun day with minimal temper tantrums and zero broken bones! I label that as a success! Then, I met up with Kim for a demonstration on shopping at CostCo! It was the most random day full of service and bonding and "learning" how to buy bread and get gas in my car!

But, after all that, I finally felt like I had a purpose, and now I have a fun friend at work and something to look forward to when I go there every stinkin' day!

Those are just a few of my favorite things ...

Annoyances

Is anyone else annoyed with the music that comes on automatically on my blog? I sure am. But I'm too lazy to do anything about it, so i just hit mute on my computer.

I'm also annoyed with myself. Isn't there a song, "It's no surprise to me, I am my own worst enemy ..." I'd continue, but I think there's a bad word coming up. I don't even know what song that is. Ring a bell to anyone? So guess what? It's 2:23 p.m. I'm sitting in bed with my laptop, wearing my pajama pants. i got halfway dressed, but never changed my pants. I straightened my hair, but didn't do my make-up. I considered going in to work, but yet ... here I am. Is that annoying, or what? I think I've hit some level of depression with this whole Utah/scary job thing.

Here's the problem: they've given me too much freedom. They should be regretting it about now. I'm on salary, so I don't get paid hourly. I also have 5 vacation days that I earned the day I started work. Then my boss tells me that if I work any part of the day, he'll count it as a whole day and not make me work my vacation days. He says that the hours are generally 8-5, but if I come in late, no biggie ... if I need to leave early, no biggie. Well ... since I've been doing tutorials and am incredibly frustrated at not knowing anything ... feeling useless and very stupid because I am SO not a technical person (even though I'm not expected to know what I'm doing this soon, I'm so used to being a fast learner and on top of things, that I can't handle being the dumb kid!) So, I've been showing up to work around 8:45 every day. Then on Monday, I didn't sleep well and I had cramps ... so I emailed one of my coworkers, saying I had a migraine and showed up to work around 2. Then, there's today. I woke up with an actual migraine, threw up my meds because I took them on an empty stomach and emailed in again. Woke up again about 11:30 and felt fine. Really should have gotten up and gone in again (show myself I have discipline) but I didn't, because apparently I don't have discipline. I'm lacking the peace of mind that comes with self-mastery. I need to exhibit self-mastery, and there's no one else that can do that for me. I need to study my scriptures better and pray more ... and put forth more effort in my job. But I hate it here and I can't. At least, I failed for today. I'm annoyed. I hate this feeling, and it makes me want to do better ... but I keep falling backwards again! Do I just forget how crappy it feels and decide to feel crappy all over again! AAAhhh!!!

First week in Salt Lake

To start out with ... I was born for much smaller things. Who wants to be big and corporate? Not me! I loved my time in the small town Rexburg newspaper where I could wear jeans and flip flops to work and crawl on the floor after my coworker's one year old daughter. I'd wander to the back and steal M&M's from Tyler to throw at Jim. I miss that. Now, I have to have a security card to even open the door into my department. We each have our own spotless cubicles with sterilyzed computers and our own telephone extensions. I have to wear slacks or a skirt to work everyday! i don't even think my khakis will cut it! It doesn't help that I've gained 15 pounds in the past few months and don't fit into any of my clothes as it is! So now I'm the fat corporate kid who sits at a computer going over tutorials learning software to log convicts. I hate convicts! All the ones I know are no good!

Then, there's this mess! In Rexburg, there's pretty much only one way to get anywhere! No wrong turns that loop you to Reno, no merging lanes or exits from the left lane, no belt routes blah blah blah blah ... I get off work and it takes me 30 minutes to drive the 10 miles to my apartment! Forget about driving to see friends or family or even going shopping! I'm just sitting in the middle of millions of other people who aren't going anywhere, listening to accident reports on the radio and driving 15 miles an hour! This is RIDICULOUS!!!

And let's not forget about this guy! He (or someone like him) stopped me in the parking lot of the grocery store to ask me on a date! THEN he (or someone like him) slowed down and winked at me in the Walmart parking lot! He (or someone like him) lives next door and across the way and just downstairs and he's everywhere I go! Creepy guys! I don't like it. I just really really don't like it!

News!!!

Guess what? It's finally happening! Last weekend I interviewed for a job as a technical writer at Spillman Technologies in Salt Lake City. I had a lot of fun at the interview, but thought there was no way I'd get the job! (I'm not good at all that technology crap!) But I got a phone call on Monday offering me a job! The income and benefits are better than I'd even hoped for! I start on May 5th and will be moving to Salt Lake on Saturday 2nd. And another great part--I'm moving with Sarah Prescott, my old roommate of 2 years! I'm so excited to have our duo back together again! The Lord really has had His hand in this. On Monday morning, I was so frustrated, I was sure I wouldn't get this job ... but within 24 hours, I got a job offer with amazing incentives, and then I got an offer from my Sarah for a place to live! It's all fallen into place and I'm so excited!! Email me if you want my address. We'll be looking for a bigger place after Sarah's apartment contract runs out in June, so for now, it'll be temporary. But, if any of you are in the Utah area, let me know and we'll play!!! ;-) brookelynbyui@yahoo.com

Details

Oh, my loving, demanding friends and family! Guess I have to fill in some gaps! Except, a lot of details are still missing. I'll tell you what I know. My housing contract is over on Saturday. It's a dang good thing, because I'm probably not going to last much longer without killing some roommates. I am SO over this place! I've loved my times here, but those are definitely over. Right now, I'm working for the newspaper in Rexburg at a job that I love with people that I tolerate and a paycheck that depresses me. I could probably do better working at Wendy's! So, in light of the past few AMAZING weekends in Utah with friends and family, I feel that I need to go there. I've researched jobs, and all it would take is 3-4 months of working in my field, and I'd have enough $$ saved for a mission, which is my ultimate goal. 1 small problem. I haven't heard back from anyone who wants to hire me! I'm down to just a few more days of housing, and then it looks like I'll be moving into my parents' house in Idaho Falls and commuting to Rexburg to work. I'd love to give my notice, but I need to be sure I have another job first!

Ideally:
hear back from one of the thousands of companies I've applied for and be hired for a technical writing/editing position.
Give my 2 weeks notice and train a new person in my job.
Move to Grandma's basement and pay no rent. Work 40 hours a week, find a great ward and a great bishop and fill out mission papers and get a call and work some more and then leave by the end of the summer! and in my spare time, I'll be able to play with all my family and friends in that area!

Until then, I'll live with my parents and commute, then I can move into Joelle's house for a month if I'm staying in Rexburg. uggh!

Anyone know of anyone who's hiring in the writing/editing fields?

Holding On

Song of the Day: Holding On by Cherie Call

If I had to move away, if I had to pack a box today, there some things I'd have to let go before I headed down the interstate. My favorite dress that doesn't fit anymore; And all the papers in my old desk drawer.

Bad habits, and old grudges, I'd take them all to the second hand store. But there's a list of things I'd have to take with me, no matter how long this winding road turns out to be.

I'm holding on to the Valentines, letters I've read a thousand times that say: "We believe in you. And never let go of your dreams." I'm holding on to my own backyard-- I hope that I can fit it all in my car.

When the whole world's letting go, I'll keep holding on.

You can't keep a harvest moon. It fades away all too soon. Even the trees let go of their leaves much quicker than you'd ever choose. So many people say goodbye. I see those teardrops in their eyes and I start to wonder how I'd live without love and I'm glad I'll never have to try. Cuz hardly anything lasts forever anymore. There will always be a few things I'm going to keep fighting for!

I'm holding on to my father's love and my mother's faith in God above. she says: "We believe in you; never give up on your dreams." I'm holding on to my true love's hand and I know that he will always understand.

When the whole world's letting go, I'll keep holding on.

Shooting stars and red balloons, ice cream cones and breezy Junes, I love them all, I hold them dear, but they so quickly disappear.

These are the things I'll keep with me, no matter where my life will lead me:

A loving word, a gentle kiss. I need nothing more than this!

I'm holding on to the Valentines, letters I've read a thousand times that say "We believe in you, never give up on your dreams." I'm holding on to my own backyard--I hope that I can fit it all in my car. When the whole world's letting go ...

I'm holding on to my father's love and my mother's faith in God above; she says: We believe in you, never give up on your dreams. I'm holding on to my true love's hand and I know he will always understand. When the whole world's letting go, I'll keep holding on.

I'm coming to realize more and more over the past few weeks, the things I really value in my life and the things I need to let go. Time is coming quickly for me to move on from this phase of my life that seems to be all I can remember. I haven't been ready. Rexburg has been my life for so long. All my friends have been here. I have so many great memories and great loves from this place. But the time has come, and I'm actually SO READY for it! My close friends have all left Rexburg. There are a few I want to hang on to, and the rest ... I'm sure we'll all move on and we'll be okay. I'm realizing more and more how much my family means to me. These are people who know me better than anyone else, and who love me in spite of it. No matter where I end up in life, these wonderful people will always be there. I won't lose track of them just because I move cities or states. And I've had friends that have become like family. I plan to hold on to these, too. My relationships are the most valuable thing in my life. I'm noticing that sometimes I invest too much in friendships that aren't going anywhere. I have some of the greatest friends in the world, and I need to invest more time and interest in those relationships and less in the ones that are so fleeting.

A couple weekends ago, I got to spend a few days with some of "MY girls" ... these are friends that I've perhaps neglected. But they're friends that are like family, the stick around no matter what. We hadn't all been together in over 2 years and yet it was as if nothing had ever changed. We value each other, we love each other, we support each other and try to uplift each other. We're not just friends for a short time, to have a little fun and move on. We're in each others' lives. Those are the best kind. As I leave Rexburg, and move on to the next stage of my life, these are the things I'm holding on to.