powerless awakening

So, I was thinking tonight about some of my earliest memories--trying to conjure up little Brooker and the joys and sorrows of her upbringing. As I took a mental inventory, I came across an un-healed memory that actually brought fresh tears to my eyes.

I was no more than three or four years old and attending Tot Lot Daycare in Idaho Falls. My dad was already working for Skywest Airlines and bringing home random treasures from the airport Lost and Found. He still does it. I got a used Nalgene bottle for Christmas this year. Thanks, Dad. One night, he brought home a soft, like-new Care Bear blanket. I can still feel the excitement as I snuggled it. I was such a lucky little girl! I loved it so much, I couldn't stand to leave it home the next day when I went to day care. I brought it and it was stowed under the stairs with everyone else's. I got to use it at nap time, and then it went back in the pile. Five o'clock rolled around and parents started showing up. I can still remember it happening. The mother of a baby boy, too young to talk, reached in and grabbed my Care Bear blanket to take home with her son. My heart leaped into my throat. I don't remember if I approached her myself, or if I summoned Grandma Joy, but either way, I stood alone as the mother insisted the blanket belonged to her son and walked out the door with it. Of course, Grandma Joy sided with her. She was the adult. I was powerless, and my own mother wasn't there to defend me. I'm pretty sure I didn't even throw a fit, I was so shocked and distraught at what had just happened. That was the end of my blanket. Mom came a bit later to bring me home, but I don't even remember if I told her what happened. I just remember how powerless I felt.

Life has been good to me. I've been SO blessed with amazing and wonderful people in my life. I love those friendships where two people can claim to be "glued at the hip." One of my favorite things was to be labeled "Brimball" because Kimball and I were always together--or that one Saturday morning when both Lisa and I slept in until noon because we kept looking at our phones, expecting the other person to call. It was just a given that we were going to be together that day.

Loneliness has not been a life-long curse, but it has been a reoccurring one. Two of my good friends are sisters, and while I ADORE their close, family relationship, it pains me to hear them talk about things knowing that whatever is planned, they'll be together for it. I've had too many days where nobody knows where I am, and nobody misses me. I've gone through too many days without any personal interaction. I've fought too many battles without anyone ever knowing about the fight.

I love my friends and I love the relationships I have. I love my family and the good times we have together. I have good people in my life and I feel love from them. But sometimes, I'm still four years old and somebody bigger than me has my blanket and nobody's got my back.