I'm wondering if I can even make sense of things to myself. Is it a girl thing to over-think, over-analyze and be driven by emotions?
I have been SUCH a girl lately.
I didn't realize I was so needy. I didn't realize I was so fragile and so off-kilter. I knew I was confused. I knew that I had a LOT going on in my head. I knew that good things have happened that remind me of other good things, but that's kind of put a shadow over my current life perspective. Do you ever look back and reminisce over mini-triumphs and life-changing experiences, only to recognize that the HERE and NOW is nothing to celebrate? Where did those moments of clarity go? Why have I lost that purpose and sense of direction?
These past few months have been CRAZY. The specifics are not all mine to share. There's SO much good to come of all of this, but I'm having a hard time finding application and a solid ground to build that good stuff on.
I've had some amazing people in my life. And I'm not just talking about fun friends to go to lunch with and laugh with. Although, those are SO valuable. But the ones that have made such an impact lately are those who have been vulnerable.
Vulnerability is such a crazy thing. I don't understand it, and yet I'm captive by it. I used to think it wasn't okay to be vulnerable with other people. I couldn't allow myself to show weakness. But, sometimes it's forced on us. Those have been the times of greatest connection and growth. Crying with friends can't necessarily be considered "fun", but it's one of my favorite past times. I've forged amazing relationships and have taught and learned so much through these moments of vulnerability.
What's amazing to me is to see how far people have come. When you know someone at their lowest, when they trust and let you in and ask for help when it seems they've got nowhere else to turn to, you get to REALLY know them. I am reeling at how these bonds are formed. I've prayed and prayed and I know the Lord guides us in our lives to the people we need the most. I know I've felt that guidance and have been on both sides of that situation. I've felt Him direct me in what to say and do for a friend in need. Do any of you know how great it feels to truly be a "ministering angel"? When you know that, by just being there, and by being willing to love and support, the Lord has used you to bless the life of someone else. It's amazing. A-MAZING. And what's even better? Three years down the road, there's NO sign of that fragile person you loved and cared for so long ago. She's still there--but she's unrecognizable. Who she has become through the whole refining process leaves me speechless and in tears. She deserves it and I'm so proud of her.
But I can't help but be a bit jealous. Where's my transition? I certainly wasn't strong and resilient through all these painful circumstances. I look at my own life and can't help but feel that I need to be better. I know I've come a long way. I started typing that I hadn't, but I remembered that I know better. I have learned SO much and have grown tremendously. But I'm still cycling.
Just recently, I've been learning the importance of trust. I'm not necessarily talking about the difference between telling lies and telling truth, but more along the lines of loving and allowing oneself to be loved. There are few people whom I've truly let into my life, into my weaknesses and dirty laundry. Who wants to share those things? Who even wants to go there? I realize now, that I do. SELECTIVELY.
I have received the answer time and time again that I need people and I need to stop pushing them away. I need to pull them in. I've had awesome experiences with people who have been heaven-sent. I need to learn better the art of "bearing one anthers' burdens." I LOVE to care for my friends. I love to offer help and be involved in their lives. I love when they trust and confide in me. I have NO problem opening my heart to weaknesses and sharing my love when a good friend needs it. I'm a complete disaster when it comes to doing it the other way around. I want that more than ANYTHING in the world. But how do you get there? How do you ask for it, or accept it willingly when it's there? I've found that I'm so insecure. I find myself small-talking about popcorn and camouflage when I really just need to talk about something real. I find myself craving validation and bursting into tears when a friend texts me JUST what I'd been needing to hear--and then I feel pathetic for needing it so badly.
How can good experiences and memories throw my world so off-kilter? Why am I so shaken up by life's greatest joys? Why can't I hold on to the good feelings and use them?
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday, September 22, 2011
Because I can't ignore a direct request from Valerie
Valerie wants me to update my blog. And I know she was talking to me when she said it.
--Summers and falls are for country music. It always happens that way. (I live in Idaho, so it kind of just applies here.) Working at the Post Register has its perks. We sponsor lots of events and I get free tickets. Hello, Josh Turner. Hello, Ronnie Dunn. Thanks for letting me sing along.
--someone I care about just broke off her engagement. There were lies and secrets. Things may have been okay if he'd been honest from the beginning. It's made me think a lot. I understand the need for openness and honesty in a marriage relationship. It's SO important. I think it's important to have someone you don't feel like you have to hide from. That someone should be your spouse. I've realized that there is not one person in my life that I feel I can be completely open and honest with. There are a few who are close. But there are still barriers. Is this something that can/should only be achieved in marriage? Maybe I still just gotta wait my turn.
On a related note: I have a friend who hasn't told his wife about an ex-girlfriend that he was madly in love with. She broke his heart. Isn't this something his wife should know about? None of my business. I just believe in honesty.
--My email account was hacked this morning. This is one of those things that never seems like a big deal until it happens to you. Still, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to me, either if I hadn't just sent Viagra/sex drive emails to 1/2 of my coworkers AND my Stake Presidency.
--Pinterest is a little bit inspiring for me. I think I may even learn how to braid my hair. Cooking is still a ways down the road, but it could happen.
--Last night, I was digging through an old plastic crate full of CD's. The crate had been stored on a shelf in the basement and I was holding it in my lap while I looked for "Joseph: A Nashville Tribute to the Prophet." About halfway through the digging, I noticed that stuck to the back of the crate (and subsequently also sitting on my lap) was a VERY full spider trap. Now, most girls would have thrown the entire thing out the window and ran away screaming. I shuddered. And continued to dig. Never found that CD.
--So often, when I'm frustrated or just craving some sort of gratification, I'll think about going shopping and actually ask myself, "Is there anything I could buy right now?" Yes. The concept of "living by necessity" is pretty far out of my reach.
On a completely unrelated note, I think I need this.
--Summers and falls are for country music. It always happens that way. (I live in Idaho, so it kind of just applies here.) Working at the Post Register has its perks. We sponsor lots of events and I get free tickets. Hello, Josh Turner. Hello, Ronnie Dunn. Thanks for letting me sing along.
--someone I care about just broke off her engagement. There were lies and secrets. Things may have been okay if he'd been honest from the beginning. It's made me think a lot. I understand the need for openness and honesty in a marriage relationship. It's SO important. I think it's important to have someone you don't feel like you have to hide from. That someone should be your spouse. I've realized that there is not one person in my life that I feel I can be completely open and honest with. There are a few who are close. But there are still barriers. Is this something that can/should only be achieved in marriage? Maybe I still just gotta wait my turn.
On a related note: I have a friend who hasn't told his wife about an ex-girlfriend that he was madly in love with. She broke his heart. Isn't this something his wife should know about? None of my business. I just believe in honesty.
--My email account was hacked this morning. This is one of those things that never seems like a big deal until it happens to you. Still, it wouldn't have been that big of a deal to me, either if I hadn't just sent Viagra/sex drive emails to 1/2 of my coworkers AND my Stake Presidency.
--Pinterest is a little bit inspiring for me. I think I may even learn how to braid my hair. Cooking is still a ways down the road, but it could happen.
--Last night, I was digging through an old plastic crate full of CD's. The crate had been stored on a shelf in the basement and I was holding it in my lap while I looked for "Joseph: A Nashville Tribute to the Prophet." About halfway through the digging, I noticed that stuck to the back of the crate (and subsequently also sitting on my lap) was a VERY full spider trap. Now, most girls would have thrown the entire thing out the window and ran away screaming. I shuddered. And continued to dig. Never found that CD.
--So often, when I'm frustrated or just craving some sort of gratification, I'll think about going shopping and actually ask myself, "Is there anything I could buy right now?" Yes. The concept of "living by necessity" is pretty far out of my reach.
On a completely unrelated note, I think I need this.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Silvesters-in-Law
I'm never going to catch up on this blog thingy, but I can't let some important events slip away from me, so I'm going to at least attempt to do a few things justice.
Let's start with this family reunion business. It seems to be ALL I do anymore. August was double-booked. Two reunions back-to-back at the same location--Palisades. (IS there any other place, really? When your uncle owns an RV park there, the answer is "no.")
For those non-Silvester blog readers out there, let me give you a little background on the Silvesers. They're ALL boys. Sure, there are a few girls scattered here and there, but the Silvester family is known for boys. It may have something to do with the fact that my dad is the 6th of 7 sons. And out of those 7 sons, 2 had ALL boys. Hold on. Let me do a head count. Out of my generation of Silvesters we have ... 8 girls and ... 11 boys. Is that ALL? Whatever. It seems like there a LOTS more boys than girls. Mostly because out of those 11 boys 8 of them spent many growing up years in Idaho. Guess how many of those girls grew up here? One. ME.
I remember standing in the kitchen with Grandma in my apron, HATING LIFE while the boys all got to play in the backyard. Why did I deserve such punishment? It was SUCH a relief when Courtney and Gentry would come visit because they actually enjoyed cooking and helping Grandma. I would retreat to the sandbox or the broken-down bus (but only if I could guess the password. Otherwise, they'd never let me on. I seem to remember one pass"word" being more of a gesture. I caught on to that one quickly and they had to let me on.) ;)
But guess what? This year, I discovered a great benefit to having all sorts of boy cousins! They eventually marry AWESOME girls! And just like that, I have friends. Who knew I'd have to wait this long? (Sorry, Silvester girls; but California and Oregon and 10-years-age difference just isn't close enough!) And kudos to my misfit boy cousins for scoring such awesome ladies. I'm glad we got to spend some extra time together this year. We've all got the same last name now (and that's WEIRD for me to think about) so we may as well be friends!
Cousins Jennifer and Amanda couldn't make it with their crews. (Jennifer hails from California and claims it's a long way to come. Amanda likes to plan other "more important" ventures for the same week.) We've heard we have a cousin named Amity, but nobody's really convinced she exists. Heather brought 2/4 of her crew for about 20 hours and went home with 3/4 of hers. Courtney brought her munchkin (Ezra) whom most of us met for the first time. And Gentry brought her bike but no tire pump. Kylie couldn't come cuz she was too busy being a boy scout. But man, we had fun together. 'Cept Courtney wouldn't let me share my taco with Ez.
In addition to watching my dog retreat from the baby, we played some games, hiked some mountains, chased some rainbows and canoed down a river. I had to work the majority of the week, but that's the benefit of having the reunion so close--I could go back and forth.
Now, for some pictures.
Let's start with this family reunion business. It seems to be ALL I do anymore. August was double-booked. Two reunions back-to-back at the same location--Palisades. (IS there any other place, really? When your uncle owns an RV park there, the answer is "no.")
For those non-Silvester blog readers out there, let me give you a little background on the Silvesers. They're ALL boys. Sure, there are a few girls scattered here and there, but the Silvester family is known for boys. It may have something to do with the fact that my dad is the 6th of 7 sons. And out of those 7 sons, 2 had ALL boys. Hold on. Let me do a head count. Out of my generation of Silvesters we have ... 8 girls and ... 11 boys. Is that ALL? Whatever. It seems like there a LOTS more boys than girls. Mostly because out of those 11 boys 8 of them spent many growing up years in Idaho. Guess how many of those girls grew up here? One. ME.
I remember standing in the kitchen with Grandma in my apron, HATING LIFE while the boys all got to play in the backyard. Why did I deserve such punishment? It was SUCH a relief when Courtney and Gentry would come visit because they actually enjoyed cooking and helping Grandma. I would retreat to the sandbox or the broken-down bus (but only if I could guess the password. Otherwise, they'd never let me on. I seem to remember one pass"word" being more of a gesture. I caught on to that one quickly and they had to let me on.) ;)
But guess what? This year, I discovered a great benefit to having all sorts of boy cousins! They eventually marry AWESOME girls! And just like that, I have friends. Who knew I'd have to wait this long? (Sorry, Silvester girls; but California and Oregon and 10-years-age difference just isn't close enough!) And kudos to my misfit boy cousins for scoring such awesome ladies. I'm glad we got to spend some extra time together this year. We've all got the same last name now (and that's WEIRD for me to think about) so we may as well be friends!
Cousins Jennifer and Amanda couldn't make it with their crews. (Jennifer hails from California and claims it's a long way to come. Amanda likes to plan other "more important" ventures for the same week.) We've heard we have a cousin named Amity, but nobody's really convinced she exists. Heather brought 2/4 of her crew for about 20 hours and went home with 3/4 of hers. Courtney brought her munchkin (Ezra) whom most of us met for the first time. And Gentry brought her bike but no tire pump. Kylie couldn't come cuz she was too busy being a boy scout. But man, we had fun together. 'Cept Courtney wouldn't let me share my taco with Ez.
In addition to watching my dog retreat from the baby, we played some games, hiked some mountains, chased some rainbows and canoed down a river. I had to work the majority of the week, but that's the benefit of having the reunion so close--I could go back and forth.
Now, for some pictures.
Gentry and I at the top of Fall Creek.
We were supposed to ride our bikes there,
but that plan failed on so many levels.
Gentry and the double rainbow we were chasing
Uncle Tom doesn't like being licked by dogs. ;)
Targhee, Mark, Cody, Gentry, Kelan, Barbara, me and Tom
on our hike to Lower Palisades.
Cody and his chipmunk friend who tried to climb onto his back.
Courtney, Ezra, me, Cynthia, Baby Bobby and Pauline.
The younger generation (and their babies) took on the old ladies in a game of "Word on the Street."
I don't remember exactly, but it would make sense to say we won.
Gavyn, Hunter, Scott and Heather starting out the river trip.
Shae and Hunter
Uncle Scott and Ezra--BFF's.
Oh no he di'int! Never tell Uncle Scott he's too old.
Shae, Heather, me and Gavyn just before they left.
They weren't there for nearly long enough!
me and Cody's wife, Pauline. See? They pick good ones.
Scott, Robin and Cody & Pauline's boys, Colby and Harrison. That Harrison's pretty thug.
Friday, August 19, 2011
So my late-night work doesn't go to waste ...
I stayed up WAY too late last night revising my blogger profile. Then, I realized nobody's EVER gonna see it. So, I'm gonna make sure somebody does.
About me:
Likes: cookies, new jeans, bike riding, making memories, wit, parallels, canoes, communication, poppies, movie quotes, peanut butter, Harry Potter, being inappropriate, heel clicks, bright colors, snow drifts, climbing on things, good books, brushing my teeth, hugs, balancing things on my head, clouds, good games, pictures, laughing, stepping on spiders, Zumba, Toms (shoes), wearing multiple bracelets, tender mercies, dog piles, short fingernails, bikes, Disneyland, snuggling, creeks/rivers/streams, skinny dipping, banjo music, tree houses, hikes, shopping, volleyball, heart-to-heart chats, star-gazing, picking grass, winking, clean pillowcases, family and friends. Dislikes: meatloaf, dirty fingernails, blind dates, handfuls of food, cooking, speeding tickets, crafting, video games, alarm clocks, filters, loneliness, puzzles, car alarms, secrets, breaking out, the orange/brown color combination, Hallmark movies, up-do's, details, gerber daisies or butterflies as decoration, doing my hair, chapstick, lazy days, being left out, hot & mushy fruit, being stepped on by a horse, stepping out of the shower into a cold bathroom, meanies.
There. That's me.
Oh. And I also like this:
and this:
About me:
Likes: cookies, new jeans, bike riding, making memories, wit, parallels, canoes, communication, poppies, movie quotes, peanut butter, Harry Potter, being inappropriate, heel clicks, bright colors, snow drifts, climbing on things, good books, brushing my teeth, hugs, balancing things on my head, clouds, good games, pictures, laughing, stepping on spiders, Zumba, Toms (shoes), wearing multiple bracelets, tender mercies, dog piles, short fingernails, bikes, Disneyland, snuggling, creeks/rivers/streams, skinny dipping, banjo music, tree houses, hikes, shopping, volleyball, heart-to-heart chats, star-gazing, picking grass, winking, clean pillowcases, family and friends. Dislikes: meatloaf, dirty fingernails, blind dates, handfuls of food, cooking, speeding tickets, crafting, video games, alarm clocks, filters, loneliness, puzzles, car alarms, secrets, breaking out, the orange/brown color combination, Hallmark movies, up-do's, details, gerber daisies or butterflies as decoration, doing my hair, chapstick, lazy days, being left out, hot & mushy fruit, being stepped on by a horse, stepping out of the shower into a cold bathroom, meanies.
There. That's me.
Oh. And I also like this:
and this:
Sunday, August 14, 2011
what happens when you feed a labweiller to an 8 month old baby?
So, Targhee's a BIG dog. She weighs just under 100 pounds and has a bark that will scare away any meter man who considers entering our yard. What that meter man doesn't realize is that the big black thing that's barking at him is shaking and has just peed herself out of fright.
She's scared of the vacuum, even when it's not turned on.
We know she's a wuss. We know she's a mama's girl. So, this next bit really shouldn't have surprised us. But it did. Years from now, we'll still be laughing about it.
Then, Ez got excited and may have squealed just a little bit. Targhee's looking for an escape.
Uncle Kelan thought it was funny, so he brought Ezra closer. She's not in the picture, but Targhee's eyeing her.
If you look in the far right of the picture, you can see Ez's fingers holding a plastic spoon. Targhee had to get away, so she decided to climb ON the table.
She's scared of the vacuum, even when it's not turned on.
We know she's a wuss. We know she's a mama's girl. So, this next bit really shouldn't have surprised us. But it did. Years from now, we'll still be laughing about it.
Targhee, meet Ezra (my cousin Courtney's 8 month old daughter)
Obviously, Ezra was not afraid of Targhee, but when the dog woke up to Ez in her face, she took one look at her and came to me for protection.
A few days later, they were introduced again. The meeting seemed to be going well. Targhee even leaned forward to sniff Ezra's hands.
She came to hide next to mom for protection.
Yeah, we were playing a card game until the moose-dog decided to crash.
Ezra's pretty happy just standing there, but Targhee won't have anything to do with her! "Mama, save me!!"
Cowering Targhee.
Targhee thought she'd be safe up on the table, but Ezra's pretty crafty at getting where she wants to go!
Oh, dear. Do dogs ever get embarrassed? They should. The baby totally won this battle. Go, team Ezra!!
It runs in the family ...
The last two weeks, I've had two separate family reunions.
Family dynamics always fascinate me. I absolutely love that I belong to these two very different groups of people. As an only child, I don't often feel a sense of belonging or even connection to any particular group. But, it's times like these where my quirks, characteristics and other traits are explained. I am a Silvester AND a Chapple and I'm so grateful for my roots on both sides. I've been able to admire so many of these traits in the people that I love and I thought I'd break a few of them down.
Silvester traits I exhibit:
an inability to sit still--a need to fill every spare second of the day with work or adventure--fearlessness/carlessness. We'll climb anything, jump off of anything, and we usually leave our helmets at home--impulsiveness. We don't plan. We just go. Hopefully we'll have what we need when we get there.--sarcasm. We don't have actual conversations. We rarely sit and chat and ask questions of each other. There's rarely any "catching up" time. But, we sure like to throw out random sarcastic remarks!--we stayed at the RV park for a week. I'm not sure if any of us even realized there was a big screen tv there. We're too busy for stuff like that.
Chapple traits I exhibit:
lack of filter. We're NOT shy. without shame, our conversations bounced from farting, to boobs, to giving birth to an elephant (the tusks would hurt), back to farting ... ---need for attention. We all talk over each other and try to get the focus on ourselves. When Uncle Curtis found himself alone at the table, he started in on record-breaking belches just so we'd remember he was there.-- randomness. Seriously, how DID we end up talking about giving birth to elephants?--lack of shame. There are always random, silly songs, dances, imitations happening and nobody thinks anything of it. We don't usually laugh a whole lot just because these behaviors are totally accepted and not even questioned.
I love my family and all of their quirks. I love being able to appreciate them for who they are and know that they feel the same way about me. I love spending time with them. I'm so glad I get to be with these awesome, obnoxious and lovable people FOREVER. I can't wait until the next family reunions!
Family dynamics always fascinate me. I absolutely love that I belong to these two very different groups of people. As an only child, I don't often feel a sense of belonging or even connection to any particular group. But, it's times like these where my quirks, characteristics and other traits are explained. I am a Silvester AND a Chapple and I'm so grateful for my roots on both sides. I've been able to admire so many of these traits in the people that I love and I thought I'd break a few of them down.
Silvester traits I exhibit:
an inability to sit still--a need to fill every spare second of the day with work or adventure--fearlessness/carlessness. We'll climb anything, jump off of anything, and we usually leave our helmets at home--impulsiveness. We don't plan. We just go. Hopefully we'll have what we need when we get there.--sarcasm. We don't have actual conversations. We rarely sit and chat and ask questions of each other. There's rarely any "catching up" time. But, we sure like to throw out random sarcastic remarks!--we stayed at the RV park for a week. I'm not sure if any of us even realized there was a big screen tv there. We're too busy for stuff like that.
Chapple traits I exhibit:
lack of filter. We're NOT shy. without shame, our conversations bounced from farting, to boobs, to giving birth to an elephant (the tusks would hurt), back to farting ... ---need for attention. We all talk over each other and try to get the focus on ourselves. When Uncle Curtis found himself alone at the table, he started in on record-breaking belches just so we'd remember he was there.-- randomness. Seriously, how DID we end up talking about giving birth to elephants?--lack of shame. There are always random, silly songs, dances, imitations happening and nobody thinks anything of it. We don't usually laugh a whole lot just because these behaviors are totally accepted and not even questioned.
I love my family and all of their quirks. I love being able to appreciate them for who they are and know that they feel the same way about me. I love spending time with them. I'm so glad I get to be with these awesome, obnoxious and lovable people FOREVER. I can't wait until the next family reunions!
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