The people I work for:

This was a brief exchange between my boss, Jerrod (Records Manager) and his boss, Kyle (registrar):

Kyle (coming out of his office where he's been 'working' hard all day): "G'morning!"
Jerrod: "Uhh ... no ... it's afternoon! Don't take that away from me!"
Kyle: "Well, I just woke up from a nap."

Seriously. These people just make me smile. FYI: Kyle really hadn't been napping. He's a busy man.

Cooking Tips

Cooking Tips I've learned from my mother (Brenda Silvester):

1) Making packaged muffins: While using paper baking cups, make sure no two cups of the same color are side by side. There must be a pink or blue between two yellows ...

2) When heating up last week's Chinese leftovers in the microwave, cover with a wet paper towel so the moisture will go back into the rice.

3) With frozen taquitos, chip away the big ice chunks off each taquito so it won't melt in the microwave and make them soggy.

4) If you're using store-bought cookie dough, always add your own chocolate chips. They never use enough.

5) We don't eat in the summer. It's too hot. For 3 months, we live off of Kool-Aid and the next door neighbor's BBQ.

6) When making boxed macaroni and cheese, add the butter before the milk, or else it'll never melt.

7) When making chocolate chip cookies, you have to leave at least half of the dough for the actual cookies. It's okay to eat the rest as long as dad doesn't find out.

8) 1 T cocoa does not equal 1 package of Swiss Miss.

9) There's a difference between Baking Soda and Baking Powder ... we're just not sure what that is.

10) Vanilla DOES NOT taste as good as it smells.

11) If we're out of bread, hot dog buns make great french toast!

12) Wooden spoons can double as microphones when a good song comes on the radio.

13) Spatulas work great to scratch your back, but you gotta wash it afterwards--unless dad doesn't see you, then it's fine to put it back in the drawer.

14) If it's not chocolate, why bother?

Don't get comfortable ...

So, what is it about my life lately that prevents me from getting comfortable and being happy for too long? Ever since I've graduated from BYU-Idaho, I've been in a sort of limbo. Here are my life transitions in a nutshell: Up until kindergarten, I moved a lot, but my parents were my life, so it didn't really matter. Once we moved into Cloverdale, I grew roots. I was the "new kid" since all of my friends had lived there all their lives. My parents tried to buy my grandparents' house in Ammon and move there after I was done with eighth grade, but I kept hiding our "For Sale" sign. As soon as they'd put it up, I'd take it down. I know it wasn't all because of my efforts, but we ended up staying put.

I thought high school was the best time of my life. I had awesome friends and went on fun trips with them for journalism competitions. My closest friends were the same ones I'd had since kindergarten. You just don't lose those kinds of connections. The day I got my high school diploma was the worst day of my life. I didn't want it to be over. I remember hoping that the second coming would just happen so I didn't have to figure out the next phase of my life. But it didn't, and I moved a whole 35 miles away to start college in Rexburg.

I lived in Colonial House for 2 years. My grandparents paid for it, so I was in kind of an up-scale living arrangement. Not the place for this white trash Idahoan hippie. I moved to Greenbrier and found my home. That ward became my family and I lived there for another five years. See a trend? I didn't want to graduate there, either. But I did. After graduation, I stayed in Greenbrier and worked at the Rexburg Standard Journal until I got kicked out of student housing a semester later. I took a job in Salt Lake and hated it. I LOVED living with my old roommate, Shmarah. I'd lived with her for two years at Greenbrier and it was GREAT to be back together again! It was also fun being so close to family and being able to bond more with cousins that I never get to spend enough time with! But the job was hard, the city was hard, the community was hard ... I couldn't adjust and I just couldn't hack it at a software company! I ended up coming back home to my parents' house in Idaho Falls and worked at three different jobs in five months before I got on at BYU-Idaho.

I was attending my parents' ward this summer and did NOT want to attend a singles' ward. I was such a loner in the family ward, but I'd met Shinae and really enjoyed having her there for awhile. When Shinae's family moved, I got brave and thought I'd check out the single's branch. I was SO skeptical. But Lisa John took me under her wing IMMEDIATELY and has become one of the closest friends I've EVER had! My other friends in the branch are just amazing and it didn't take long before we all became inseperable! I've just noticed that I see or hang out with these people nearly every day! They have all become such a HUGE part of my life and I've finally felt like I'm where I need to be.

My housing situation's in limbo. I live with my parents. That HAS to change soon, but I'm not really sure how to work that out. My job situation is in limbo. I love this job more than any I've ever had and wouldn't mind staying in this position FOREVER! Why then, is it only a temporary job? The "permanent" jobs I've had recently have been MISERABLE, and the one I LOVE is only temporary? And then there's the whole "Life" limbo. Will I ever get married and have a family? Where do I go from here? I'm not working toward a mission anymore, so what's next? Ugh!

So, the only thing that's really been established lately, is my branch situation and the amazing sociality I've found there. We have such an amazing support system and I've learned so much from these people! And our branch combines with the Foothills Branch for activities and Family Home Evening and we just have an amazing family with such fun personalities.

So, what happens?! Last Sunday, our Stake President came to our sacrament meeting to announce that the Ammon North Stake singles will now be meeting with the 20th branch. That includes me. I've been ripped from my home and my friends and my place of growth and substance and forced to attend a branch that fits ALL of my negative stereotypes of singles branches. (I know this appears to be the case because of my bad attitude, but my own perceptions are my truth.)

I'm not a crier. But--oh,boy. I didn't handle this news well. I'm so grateful that sweet Lisa was sitting next to me for this announcement and was sensitive enough to know that the "statue" sitting next to her was really a friend in need of some love. As soon as her arm went around my shoulders, I lost it. I'd feared this announcement for a couple of months now, but I'd been convinced that it wouldn't happen. Everyone tried to appease my fears by drawing out more practical scenarios. And seriously? This arrangement does NOT make sense! 80% of our worthy priesthood holders are in the North Stake. Who's left to bless and pass the sacrament? Not many! It just doesn't make sense! It's been a week, and I have yet to look my new branch president in the eye. He's sincerely making an effort to smooth the pain of this transition, but I'm stubborn and I won't let him. I am determined to hate this idea. I know. You can tell me how bad my attitude is and how the Lord knows best and I'll see His hand in it, if I just humble myself and have faith that it's all for the best. But that's all easier said than done. For now, my life's over. Now, here are some pictures of the people I love and the good times that I've had that will probably never happen again. NEVER. Because there's no recovery from something like this.

Kristin, Lisa, me and Lisa. Broom hockey babes!

me and Lisa

Broom hockey team 2! Kristin, me, Ryan, Jeanna, Jonathan, Carl & Nicole.

Willie and Lisa at hockey night. We all had to get our pictures taken with him.

Me and Lisa John at Teton Lakes golf course.

We threw off the x-country skis to roll a little in the snow!

Lisa, Lisa and Lisa trying crazy stuff at Weird Food Night.

Lisa, Lisa, Lisa, Kristin and me at a game night.

I think Lisa Jenkins (in the middle) did something funny (and probably inappropriate)to Kristin as this photo was taken!

Lisa, Lisa, me and Kristin. So sore after cross country skiing all morning!

But we like to hang out together again in the evening, too!

Lisa, Willie, Lisa, me and Megan at Weird Food Night

So, I'm not going to mention that many of these activities weren't sponsered by our branch and were just random social gatherings that will probably still happen just as often now that the branch has been separated. (because I think it'd be physically impossible to do them even MORE often than we already do!) I also don't have much to say about the fact that many of these friends have been split and are now going to the new branch WITH me. Many of them. But not ALL of them.

A Smile from Lila

This kid's gonna kick cancer's A**!!

Lila's Bumpy Road

Hello everyone,We have finally come to the big transplant phase of Lila's treatment. She is still in remission, is very healthy right now, is receiving her own stem cells (versus a donors), and she is young - all big plusses for starting out this ordeal. Over the last week and a half she has gone through a ton of tests - heart, lungs, kidney, liver, etc - which you can read all about on Annie's blog at www.anniehowington.blogspot.com . Annie warns that it's long and boring, I think it's a witness of what Annie is having to go through! (You can follow Lila's progress on Annie's blog too.) Lila came through with flying colors. She also had a developmental test this morning. She is behind physically because of all the surgeries and chemo, but they said she is otherwise a normal 11-month old and shows no signs of impaired development. Big sigh of relief as this has been a major concern after all of her brain surgeries. After all the tests, they found two things: first is a sinus infection that is probaly due to her prolonged use of a feeding tube. They will remove her feeding tube when she goes into the hospital on Wednesday (tomorrow!) and she is on antibiotics for that. She will be receiving nutrition through her IV from now on. Annie and Ben will even have to continue that after she leaves the hospital. They also found that her blood coagulation count is elevated. They can't figure out why (Where is Dr. House when you need him?), and have run a battery of tests to try and determine why. But as of right now they will probably sign off on letting her have surgery Weds. (to put in the transplant port - it's a different port than her chemo port) because the count is not too high, but is definitely elevated. The doctors say that it has no impact on her clinically other than increasing the risk of bleeding during the surgery. So once she is past the surgery, it is no longer a primary concern. The doctors are more frustrated than anything as to why they can't figure out what is causing it.When she goes in tomorrow she will have surgery first and then be admitted directly to the isolation ward. (The 5200 wing of Duke Hospital). The children's isolation ward is a little city unto itself. You enter through 2 sets of self-sealing doors, remove your shoes, put on your designated hospital shoes and wash your hands at the bank of sinks while reciting the Pledge of Allegiance or singing Happy Birthday twice (both are the required length (15 seconds) for washing your hands). There are people there from all over the world and those children have a parent literally move in to the hospital with them. They even have their own newsletter which they took Lila's picture for! This ward has it's own air system, seperate from the hospital, and each room has it's own air filtration system. Doors have to be kept closed at all times, so someone has to be in the room with Lila at all times. The hospital requires that be a small core number of people. So Annie will be there during the days and I will be her backup. Ben will be there during the nights and Janelle will be his backup. We want to preserve Ben and Annie's sanity, so we plan on forcing them to take a day/night off every 3 or 4 days. Annie's parents are here from Texas and plan on staying indefinately as Jack's caregivers. Lori and Kimmy will be their backup to give them much needed breaks too!Since Annie, Ben, Janelle and myself will be with Lila the most during her transplant, we are making every effort to stay clear of people who are sick or feel like they are getting sick. So if you are around us and feel like you have a cold coming on, please let us know. We could easily pass anything on to Lila without even knowing it. We will have a mask with us at all times and can easily put a mask on ourselves if there is any risk.Up until one minute before they begin the chemo, Ben and Annie can change their minds about having her have the transplant, but after that there is no going back. That is because, although all chemotherapy is potentially lethal, this dose will be so large that Lila would die without the transplant since it will destroy all of her bone marrow. All of the tests were done because the high dose of chemo can also severely damage her organs, even to the point of multiple organ failure, which would be fatal. So they want to make sure nothing else is wrong with her before they do this. She will have years of follow up with the transplant doctors to track her organs. You may wonder why they are going through with this when Lila is in remission. Lila's type of brain cancer is very rare in such a young child and recurrence is a very real danger, so this is being done to deliver what we are praying will be the knock-out punch to her cancer. Even with the concerns of infection and organ failure from the transplant, recurrence is still their main concern, even for the transplant doctors.On Thursday, Friday and Saturday Lila will receive the chemo drug Carboplatin. On Sunday, Monday and Tuesday she will recive Etopicide and Thiotepa. Thiotepa is excreted through your pores and severly burns the skin, so during those days Lila will be getting full baths every 4 hours. (she hates taking baths) She then has 2 days of rest. The days I have just described are marked on her chart as days -9 through -1. Transplant day is day 0. Those pre-transplant days will be her best days. she'll be vomitting but the real side effects of the chemo don't kick in until day 7 to 9 (two weeks after being admitted). The worst of those side effects will be open ulcerated sores throughout her mouth, down her esophogus and in her stomach lining.The transplant itself is very uneventful. Very similar to a blood transfusion. Lila's chart then shows 100 days of post transplant follow up. How long she will be in the hospital will be determined by how fast Lila heals. The doctors are guessing 3 1/2 to 5 weeks in the hospital. Then 2 weeks in an apartment within 10 minutes of the hospital (we are 45 minutes away, which is too far in case of an emergency). During those two weeks she'll be going into the clinic daily. Once she can return home, she will continue going back to clinic every day until her counts are normal again. Most likely it won't continue for 100 days, but it will be a while.Many people have asked what they can do. We appreciate your help so much!! The most obvious is keep on fasting and praying for her. The power of prayer in healing Lila and comforting all of us has been miraculous. The hospital encourages the families to decorate their child's room, so if any of you want to send a colorful children's card to Lila, you can send them here to our home and we will get them up there. ( Lila Howington 7913 Mourning Dove Rd. Raleigh, NC 27615). You can email Ben and Annie directly at benhowington@gmail.com and anniehowington@gmail.com. Lila cannot be around fresh flowers or fresh fruit. Anything that goes into her room, toys, clothing, etc has to be washed twice in very hot water. So cards and letters are the easiest for her to get.I will continue to keep all of you updated on how she is doing. Thank you, thank you, thank you, for your love and encouragement!! Love, Julie

A better choice than evil's anguished cries

I've really been thinking and studying and weighing things out in my mind lately. I could probably go on for days about all the things that have been plaguing, frustrating, motivating and inspiring me. But I won't. Not about all of it, at least. But one thing that's really kept coming back to me is my continued love and PASSION for BYU-Idaho. I took so long to graduate because I couldn't really pick one field that I was totally passionate about. I finally got a degree in something that I don't particularly have a love or even a talent for. But, what I've been realizing with this job is that my passion lies in the university itself! I have such an intimate relationship with this school. This is where I blossomed. This is where I found myself. This is where I learned to live with roommates, to live without parents, to live for myself and not always for what others think of me. This is where I learned to express myself and where I learned to analyze and think and expound. This is where I learned to learn and to love learning. I love this university. I love everything it stands for. I love that I can come to a place of higher learning with a knowledge that my professors not only know the subject material, but they also have a testimony of the Gospel and a desire to bear testimony of the Savior through their teaching of secular material.

I just came from a meeting where President Clark announced some new expansion and changes that will be occurring at BYU-Idaho. As a staff member on this campus, I've been given a whole new view of the way this whole system works. I love seeing the workings of policies and implementation of programs all guided by inspiration from the Lord. Where else can such an institution be run with such a great purpose? I love how much emphasis is placed on students' individual experiences. The main goal of this University is to build disciple leaders. This not only requires a secular education, but it requires an atmosphere of love, and a cultivation of the Spirit. As I sat in this meeting, I looked around and could see so many people who have influenced my life. I sat directly behind President Kimball Galbraith who served as my bishop for four years before he was called into our Stake Presidency. President Galbraith extended the call to me to serve as the first counselor in our Relief Society presidency--an experience that changed my life. I've been able to spend time with him and his family and have such love for them. From where I sat, I could see the receding hairline of Brother Roger Merrill from whom I took a Sign Language and two acting courses. Roger was one of my all-time favorite professors who really got involved and personal in his passion as a teacher. Our classes were always close because he cultivated such an atmosphere of socialization. Roger's family owns the Playmill Theatre in West Yellowstone, and I've worked with the theatre in editing their programs. I make it a point to go to at least one show every summer and have grown closer to Roger and his family through that connection. I saw Steve Kugath who took us all canoeing and camping with his family, Ben Romney who chased 40 of us around Mexico for a month, Scott Wood who's so passionate about the outdoors, it makes you even want to be in an avalanche so you can utilize the survival skills he teaches! Each of these wonderful people is united in the cause of this university, which coincides with the cause of the Church as a whole--to expand, to include, to prepare and to serve. After the meeting, I turned to see Joelle Moen standing along the wall waiting for me. Joelle started out as my literature professor, but over the years became one of my very best friends. While Joelle was a professor, she was also a travel buddy (more than just a tour director!), she's been my landlord and roommate, my "hot date" every other Saturday night, my encouragement, my disciplinarian ... pretty much a hub in my whole educational experience. These people are amazing. Their purpose is amazing. This university has such great power to influence and educate, not only individuals, but the world as a whole.

I'm not sure what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure what individual field I'm passionate about, but I do know that I'm truly passionate about this purpose. This university is who I am. It's powerful, and I'm so grateful to be a part of something so worthy and good.

Frustrated spewing of nonsense.

I'm so frustrated, I want to cry! Okay, nobody worry. This is just a momentary thing, I'll be over it shortly, but not until I spew a little bit on my blog in order to shake things off. That's what blogs are for, right? So, there's going to be no pretending or softening things up ... I'm not even thinking about my audience right now and who's going to read it and who's even going to care and who's going to have any clue of what I'm talking about!
I am a social retard. In a million different ways. I've had such a DRASTIC week this week and I think it's totally thrown me! Everything should be fine right now. Things have calmed down, life is looking more clear and positive ... I actually think I was totally fine and excited about things as recently as yesterday ... sorta. There's always that "sorta" ...
I'm beating myself up right now for something as little as not knowing how to entertain. I'm going to resort back to blaming the "only child" who doesn't know how to be around people. I'm awkward. I don't carry conversations well. I freeze up. I don't know how to talk to people.
I'm going to give this blog post a summary of my awkward and discombobulating week. It's only going to confuse you more, because while I don't want to be mindful of my audience, I'm still know you're there. Therefore, I'm going to be totally vague!!
So, I don't know how to talk to people. Let's just start with that. I have a few friends I can open up to, but even that's so awkward for me. I even find myself pulling away from people who "know too much" because I feel totally ... weird. Yep. I'm good at being expressive when I'm frustrated. So, Monday, I tried to stay in my bubble. I have no idea why. I went to FHE and saw a close friend who's been out of town and I'd missed her and I didn't know how to act after so long, so I tried to just play it cool and kept to myself. Luckily, this friend is a better friend than I am, and she came to sit with me and let me know that she'd missed me, too. Things were so much better after that, and of course, I beat myself up for trying to act stupid. Tuesday ... life was good, I'd invited friends over to watch a movie that night, then drama happened and I was in the middle of a social friendship EXPLOSION. Seriously brutal. Guts were everywhere. I DO NOT COPE WELL!! I cancelled the movie night, and went home to hyperventilate alone in the snow. After debating about calling 911 (I seriously couldn't get my breathing to normal) I texted a good friend who immediately came to my rescue, along with 3 wonderfully worthy priesthood holders. She got me breathing semi normally, and got my face unglued from my ultra-soggy and disgusting pillow. The men gave me a priesthood blessing. I have never in my life needed intervention so strongly! After a couple hours of talking and understanding and sharing, I was able to shower and get myself to bed. I hadn't eaten since lunch, and still couldn't. I didn't really sleep, either. I attempted to go to work Wednesday morning, but couldn't focus, couldn't think, had a raging headache and upset stomach. I left early. Wednesday evening, I had a long tearful phone conversation that seemed to have passified the explosive situation. I was able to chug a Slim Fast and act semi-normal at a New Years party--relieved beyond words!! Thursday, I went snowboarding with some awesome friends. Still unable to eat ... got home, exchanged some painful emails, stayed in my pajamas all day friday, no eating, more painful emails and lot of understanding and clarification. All this trauma has made me so paranoid and I just don't know how to act! That same friend that came to my rescue is such a stranger to me because I'm so self-conscious and insecure! Today, we ran a couple of errands together and there was so much I wanted to say, but all I could do was bite my tongue! I don't know how to talk, close friends become strangers because I second guess myself, or don't know how to start conversations! Then tonight, i had friends over for a movie! Seriously? What am I thinking?! I can't host social gatherings! I don't know if anyone else noticed how painful it was, but I just wanted to die! I was embarrassed about the movie ... sat alone on the floor because I didn't know how to interact ... but I'm in charge of this whole thing, so I have to take the lead! Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. As soon as the movie was over, everyone left. No lingering or chatting. Gone by 10.
Am I just being retarded and insecure because I've had a rough week? I've lost 5 pounds this week and have felt like JUNK! But I have every reason to feel recovered and fine and I need to be able to pick up and move on and just BE NORMAL! But instead, I'm analyzing every interaction and I have no idea how to say what I've wanted to say ... I have friends who are there for me, I just don't know how to talk to them! I've always been this way! What's wrong with me?! It takes a near trip to the emergency room for me to even be able to say the words: "I need help"?! And when I'm struggling, I close off. I don't deal well on my own, and I'm the kind of person who needs to talk things out. I need that support sometimes, but I certainly don't ask for it, or allow for it! When those silent moments and perfect opportunities arise, why can't I just say "can I talk to you about something?" I push people out and then I'm surprised and upset when they don't push their way back in?! Yeah. I'm retarded. And I don't know how to handle movie nights at my house. Kill me now.