Leave the light on, I'm coming over.

I just spent a half hour watching a friend blow raspberries on her three-year-old son's neck.
And I LOVED it.

We talked quite a bit (in-between raspberries) about families and priorities and differences in upbringing. I've been fairly reflective about these things lately. There's so much I wish I had, and so much I wish I could relate to. For years and years, I longed painfully for the sibling relationships others seemed to enjoy so much. I know I've posted about it before, so I won't go there again, because that's not what this is about.
Amy made me think from a different perspective. In fact, since I've become friends with her, my perspective has been altered more than once. She's not much older than me, but is married with four beautiful boys. She has three sisters with whom she's really close with. (They freaking talk to each other every single day and see each other almost as often.) While this does spark a bit of jealousy, it also makes me think about what I value and admire in others and what I can emphasize in my own life to reflect that.

I can't change the fact that I'm an only child. That's just the way it is. I'm never going to progress in this life to the stage of "siblinghood." It hurts to say it, but I have to look beyond that. And, for the time being, I feel currently helpless about my relationship status. I haven't often mentioned that I long to be married and have a family, but I do. Someday, little Afton, Ririe, Crimson and Shane* need to come into this world with my destructive personality and abundance of hair to terrorize the rest of you. Someday.
But, until that time comes, I can try my darnedest to be happy with where I am.

Sitting in Amy's living room today, while Jake climbed all over his mom, I thought about how much I LOVE the kind of mom she is. I love that she notices her kids and takes time for them. I see her several times a week sans-children, so when I DO see her with her kids, I find myself drawn to observe. She is so attentive and aware. Amy's family takes first priority. She doesn't stress over make-up or dishes (although whenever I see her, she looks BEAUTIFUL and her house is never a huge mess). She focuses on her boys. They know their mom loves them. Amy's extended family has more family parties (birthdays/baptisms/mission farewells/new babies) than any other family I've heard of. There are so many of them, there ALWAYS seems to be something going on. They attend each others' sporting events and keep tabs on which merit badges they're all working on. I want this. I want to be ATTENTIVE and INVOLVED. I so desperately want people in my life and I want to be in theirs. I know I tend to be self-centered. I don't mean to. Blame it on my only-childhood, my insensitivity--whatever. But it's not intentional. I want to be more consciously aware and concerned about the people I love--whomever they may be.
I'm grateful to Amy and her family for teaching me what's important.

I often feel so disoriented when it comes to relationships. I never feel like I fully belong anywhere. My own family is so segmented. My parents often forget they have a kid (which is fine. They're in love and enjoy spending time together and I LOVE that.) But I'm a definite third wheel in my own family. I always get outvoted and left behind. My cousins are great and have been great friends and great cousins. Kim, especially has become the sister I always wanted. We can talk to each other about anything, and we usually do! But, when it comes down to it, we all live in different states, see each other only a couple times a year (if that) and priority still lies with our own immediate families--of which I am not one. Every now and then, something will happen to remind me how much I value these cousins of mine. This week has been full of them: Shyanne interpreting for the YW General Conference session, Sydney and I shopping for scripture bags together over the internet, Amanda and I fighting over brownies, Kim ... I have good family. I wish we all lived closer.

I'm sort of in a friend-transition zone. It's been weeks since I've been a part of the social scene in my singles' branch. I got tired of the segregation and social compartmentalization and so I've sort of phased out. I thought I'd miss it or be missed a bit more, but it's kind of been a huge relief to not have to fight my way through it all. I feel like I'm back in high school and I'm just ready to graduate so I can move on and not have to worry about not being the popular girl. These people are great and have been great, but I've hit a lull and I'm just so tired of feeling like I'm on the outside of everything. And then, of course--those friends all have their own families.

Tami, Amy and their families have been my tender mercies. I got a text from their baby sister, Sara on Saturday. "Just thinking about you this morning and wishing we were x-country skiing!" I love that I'm friends with all of them! It's Holly's birthday next week and we're all going out to lunch. I harass their teenagers like I'm part of the family. I really like pretending that I'm part of the family. I hope for more opportunities to develop that.

I realized tonight that I see most relationships in terms of how they can develop and get stronger and better and more fulfilling. When I leave, I often think of how next time, I can improve it. I daydream about being a stronger force in each others' lives. I realize that others don't think the same way. I just really hope other people don't hit brick walls with me just as I'm gaining momentum.

I'm not sure what's in store for me. I'm not moping. Really. I'm not. I love what I'm learning. I love analyzing personal relationships and realizing what I value and what I can live without. I love what I learned from Amy. That's what I want. I'm so grateful she invited me into her home to just chill and be comfortable and recognize what's really good in this world. I want that in my life again. I want good people in my life again.
I'm just going to start showing up on peoples' couches.

*Yes, I've had names picked out for YEARS. Don't judge me. And don't steal them.
**I've also gotten myself a bit wrapped up in reading this blog. Shawni's got great family stories to tell and I love the way she interacts with the people in her world.